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Original poster

To tell my bro his wife is secretly preventing pregnancy?

306 replies

MyameVyce · 13/07/2025 18:41

About 2 years ago my bro told me he’s trying for a baby with his wife. He was really excited and was hoping it would happen quickly for them because he can’t wait to be a dad. With it being a personal sensitive topic I would not ask further updates, but he’s made a few rueful comments about how it isn’t happening. He mentioned that his wife had said she doesn’t want fertility investigations or treatments and if it doesn’t happen naturally she’d be ok with that.

Problem is that SIL made a weird kind of confession to me where she basically told me she’s on contraception and my bro doesn’t know. Conversation was bizarre. She giggled and saying “ssshhhh” don’t tell him.

I have no interest in getting involved in someone else’s marital problems but I told my best friend about this and she strongly thought I needed to tell my bro.

AIBU to keep this info to myself?

OP posts:
Rosscameasdoody · 13/07/2025 20:09

babyproblems · 13/07/2025 20:03

I honestly don’t think it’s your place to say anything. Really your brother needs to decide whether it’s a deal breaker or not and you could maybe have that conversation with him.. but I deffo don’t think you need to say anything tbh.

How is he supposed to decide if it’s a ‘deal breaker’ if he doesn’t know he’s being deceived ? If SiL doesn’t want, or is not ready to have kids, then she should tell him. Not deceive the poor sod so that he’s thinking they’re trying to conceive when there’s absolutely no chance. The fact that she’s covered her tracks by saying she doesn’t want investigations and will be OK if it doesn’t happen ‘naturally’ is just disgusting.

CaptainMyCaptain · 13/07/2025 20:08

Cynic17 · 13/07/2025 19:05

OP, you shouldn't have told your friend - that's outrageous.
And you shouldn't tell your brother either. This is absolutely nothing to do with you - keep out of it.

I agree.

I would wonder why she feels the need to do this. Is he coercing her to have a baby she doesn't want?

Flashahah · 13/07/2025 20:08

LimitedBrightSpots · 13/07/2025 20:01

There are many family members of abusers who don't believe their loved one is capable of behaviour like this behind closed doors. And often they skew the narrative to paint the victim as "difficult" to justify the little acts of contempt and disrespect that they do witness.

Show quote history

You’re making such a massive leap it’s untrue!

Sometimes women are wrong, like this. The OP has the right to not keep such a massive secret from her DB.

Original poster
MyameVyce · 13/07/2025 20:07

About the suggestions that my db is abusive … 100% not the case. He is a gentle person. Always has been. I’ve known him my whole life and he is a straightforward kind of man. If SIL really is doing what she said it’s probably that she has changed her mind about kids but wants to keep the relationship or wants to end it for whatever reason and doesn’t have the guts to pull the plug. Db would never leave her because they couldn’t conceive (he’s not a monster!) but he might leave if he knew she didn’t want baby

OP posts:
AmyDudley · 13/07/2025 20:06

tripleginandtonic · 13/07/2025 19:01

Her body, her choice. Keep your knowledge to yourself OP.

What a weird, ignorant and completely irrelevant comment.
His life, his choice whether he wants to be with someone who deceives him in such a cruel way. Yes her body her choice regarding having a child, but she could have told him at the outset she didn't want a child, lying to him about something so important to him is nothing to do with her body, and totally about his choice to make his life with someone who wants a child a much as he does.

FairKoala · 13/07/2025 20:06

DiscoBob · 13/07/2025 19:41

Do you want her to be pregnant against her own consent?

If she doesn't want a pregnancy and her husband is too much of an abusive cunt to accept that then she should leave him. And no of course you shouldn't tell him.

He should be a decent enough human being that his wife doesn't have to hide the fact she's not wanting a kid with him. You should be supportive to her personal right to choose.

Edited

Where does it say the husband is an abusive cunt

Rosscameasdoody · 13/07/2025 20:06

tripleginandtonic · 13/07/2025 19:01

Her body, her choice. Keep your knowledge to yourself OP.

Her body her choice but she’s taking the choice away from someone else. You can’t take the high road unless you’re being honest. And she isn’t.

Thisisnotmyid · 13/07/2025 20:05

I would be saying nothing to him personally. Yes he’s your brother but you have no idea what their marriage is truly like and what her health history is. Maybe she just isn’t ready, maybe she’s scared. Who knows

Jimmer253 · 13/07/2025 20:05

I haven’t rtft, but just wanted to add my two pennies worth. I have an older brother (just us two siblings) and I would 100% tell my brother. I have his back and he has mine. He needs to know that (for whatever reason) his wife is being deceptive here 😢

babyproblems · 13/07/2025 20:03

I honestly don’t think it’s your place to say anything. Really your brother needs to decide whether it’s a deal breaker or not and you could maybe have that conversation with him.. but I deffo don’t think you need to say anything tbh.

Rosscameasdoody · 13/07/2025 20:03

Agree with the majority. You need to have an honest conversation with her. Tell her your bro told you how much he wants to be a dad and was hoping it would be soon. She’s put you in a horrible position, and can’t expect you to keep a confidence that was so casually made. If she doesn’t tell him, you will.

Foreverm0re · 13/07/2025 20:02

Tell him.

LimitedBrightSpots · 13/07/2025 20:01

Flashahah · 13/07/2025 19:57

Beat her up or kill her?

I think OP may know her DB a little better than that!

She also should not be lying or pretending to be TTC.

Show quote history

There are many family members of abusers who don't believe their loved one is capable of behaviour like this behind closed doors. And often they skew the narrative to paint the victim as "difficult" to justify the little acts of contempt and disrespect that they do witness.

FairKoala · 13/07/2025 20:00

tripleginandtonic · 13/07/2025 19:01

Her body, her choice. Keep your knowledge to yourself OP.

I would tell because whilst it is her body her choice she is taking away someone else’s choice

If she doesn’t want children then no one is going to force her but she needs to understand that whilst she might be vehemently opposed to having children it doesn’t mean she ban make that choice for anyone else including her dh

MemorableTrenchcoat · 13/07/2025 19:59

tripleginandtonic · 13/07/2025 19:01

Her body, her choice. Keep your knowledge to yourself OP.

Would you say that if the sexes were reversed?

BunnyLake · 13/07/2025 19:59

Why are people jumping to the conclusion he’s abusive and might kill her, bit of a reach when OP has given no indication her brother is a bad sort.

OP is your brother the violent type? Does their dynamic seem tense or off?

Flashahah · 13/07/2025 19:57

NeverDropYourMooncup · 13/07/2025 19:50

As long as you fully accept the responsibility if he were to beat her up or even kill her, I guess the woman's rights over her own reproductive system < your brother's wish to have his sperm fertilise an ova in this world. Or that's what this thread seems to be saying, at any rate.

Beat her up or kill her?

I think OP may know her DB a little better than that!

She also should not be lying or pretending to be TTC.

New2you · 13/07/2025 19:57

I’d tell my brother. Wasting someone’s time when you know you don’t want what they want is the biggest betrayal

Sahara123 · 13/07/2025 19:55

tripleginandtonic · 13/07/2025 19:01

Her body, her choice. Keep your knowledge to yourself OP.

Not when she’s lying to her husband it isnt.
I would be saying to her either you tell him or I will. And do it.

BunnyLake · 13/07/2025 19:54

TheAphrodite · 13/07/2025 19:51

I'd tread very carefully with this. As much as I'm sure your brother will be hurt, you have no clue what goes on behind closed doors. She could have a valid reason why she doesnt want a baby just yet with him. Stupid for her to tell you and put you in this position either way anyway.

If it’s valid why doesn’t her husband know?

What would people say if it was the other way round and the man had secretly had a vasectomy or something while ‘trying’ for a baby!

MsTamborineMan · 13/07/2025 19:52

DiscoBob · 13/07/2025 19:41

Do you want her to be pregnant against her own consent?

If she doesn't want a pregnancy and her husband is too much of an abusive cunt to accept that then she should leave him. And no of course you shouldn't tell him.

He should be a decent enough human being that his wife doesn't have to hide the fact she's not wanting a kid with him. You should be supportive to her personal right to choose.

Edited

I think OP wants her to be honest with her husband tbh...

If your issue is your scared of your husband, and he's abusive, why on God's earth would you tell his sibling? Probably the one person most likely to tell your husband bar perhaps his mum

BunnyLake · 13/07/2025 19:52

tripleginandtonic · 13/07/2025 19:01

Her body, her choice. Keep your knowledge to yourself OP.

And what happens when it eventually comes out, as all things do, and he finds out OP has known for a long time?

It might be her body her choice but she is blatantly lying to her dh. Do you like people lying to you?

TheAphrodite · 13/07/2025 19:51

I'd tread very carefully with this. As much as I'm sure your brother will be hurt, you have no clue what goes on behind closed doors. She could have a valid reason why she doesnt want a baby just yet with him. Stupid for her to tell you and put you in this position either way anyway.

Hallywally · 13/07/2025 19:50

Tell her if she isn’t honest with him, you will be.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 13/07/2025 19:50

As long as you fully accept the responsibility if he were to beat her up or even kill her, I guess the woman's rights over her own reproductive system < your brother's wish to have his sperm fertilise an ova in this world. Or that's what this thread seems to be saying, at any rate.

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