To tell my bro his wife is secretly preventing pregnancy?

@MyameVyce

It's no different than if your DB didn't want children and your SiL had giggled and confided she'd flushed her contraception down the loo. You'd tell him that, wouldn't you? I sure as hell would.

If it’s acrimonious she may look for something to deflect the heat from herself. I’ve seen it happen before. Why on earth would you tell your husbands’ sister something like this. There has to be a reason.

I don't think the OP has enough clarity on the situation to tell her brother anything at the moment. It might have been an odd off-hand fabrication by SIL (who the OP thinks is fond of creating drama) at a difficult time. SIL may have completely forgotten about it.

The OP is very sensibly reluctant to interfere in her brother's marriage because she does not know the ins and outs of their relationship. She doesn't know the present status quo. She'll look a right fool and cruel to boot if she makes a big "smoking gun" announcement to her brother and actually it turns out that SIL is not on contraception and is in reality struggling to conceive and may have suffered losses, but doesn't want everyone around her to be aware of her private business.

It’s his body and his choice too. He’s choosing to have sex with her on the basis they’re trying to conceive a child. It would be exactly the same if the other way round & he’d had the snip for example & not told her.

What would you do if she doesn't?

His wife needs to tell him I would be telling her that!

Well no, its still her body her choice. The bit that people forget is that choices have consequences.

If they are Catholic (which OP gives us no clues about) the SiL's refusal to have children would be grounds for an annulment. I mention this only to show how serious this would be in some communities, as some here are saying 'her body her choice' type of comments. Clearly, the RC church would very much disagree with you on that.

I'd tell your brother, OP. Everyone will hate you for it initially, you'll have to weather that, but ultimately it'd be the best thing.

Tell him outright then take a step back.
It's up to him what he chooses to do with the information.
He is your brother and your loyalty lies with him first and foremost

I'd tell him. I'm usually not one for getting involved but if someone was deceiving my brother like that I couldn't keep it to myself. I'd probably speak to her first to find out the reasons and tell her she needs to be honest herself. I can't see how anyone could lie about this, unless your brother is abusive and she is scared to leave and rightfully not willing to bring a baby in to it. That is the only valid reason I could think would justify it

Normally I keep completely out of other people’s relationships but this is your brother. I would tell him exactly what she said to you as he deserves to know.

Speak to her, tell her you feel really uncomfortable with that knowledge as you know your brother really wants a baby. If she really doesn't want one, they then decide that between themselves. If you tell your brother, you will end up involved and may end up the bad guy. I tend to stay out of things like this now as I told someone when I was younger that they were being cheated on - they fell out with me and when they dumped their partner, I was ex friended too. Just turns ugly despite your best intentions!

OP

Tell your brother.
He deserves to know as soon as possible what's happening so he can take appropriate steps like hiring solicitors and preparing for divorce.
He also needs time to protect himself legally against anything.
Advise him to hire the best solicitors available, as this person will likely try to claim 50% or more of his assets.
Additionally, inform him and his solicitors to prepare for potential conflict, including the possibility of her making accusations of violence or abuse.

You do you, but your loyalty should be to your brother first and foremost imho.

Her body her choice. Yes.

But he also has the right to choose to stay with her or not based on her choices.

That's such a cruel thing to do.

Of course it's her choice to get pregnant or not but she doesn't have the right mislead DB the way she is.

How weird of her to tell you and giggle about it!

Agree that you need to speak to her and tell her if she doesn't fess up then you'll tell him.

I couldn’t keep that from him. Please tell him. Show your loyalty and your SIL clearly isn’t.

I would absolutely tell him. Your allegiance is to him, not your SIL who is doing an awful thing. I had a really upsetting secret that was kept from me (and Dh) by the family. One that I had a right to know so I could keep my dc safe from harm. It eventually all came out (it always does). And it turns out that there was an actual family meeting between MIL, BIL and SIL to discuss not telling us and how to prevent us finding out.

The actual thing was bad enough, but the betrayal was a whole different stab in the back. That people knew and would rather have seen something really awful happen to my children than to have the guts to speak up and tell the truth. It’s been 10 years and I’ve never forgotten and never forgiven them.

Sorry *what if it was the other way round

What is f it was the other way round - a man who had had a vasectomy stringing along a woman who was trying to get pregnant?

your poor brother, OP - I would definitely tell.

Presumably you didn’t bring this issue up given what you said in your OP, so I don’t see why she would feel the need to lie and be defensive about fertility issues. That makes no sense. If it were me I’d just give a true account of what happened to your brother if you have a decent relationship with him. She maybe wants this to be brought to a head but is too cowardly to do it - still your brother deserves to know.

I think you should tell her you feel uncomfortable knowing this secret and if she doesn’t want a child she should speak to your brother.

I agree. Like an admission of guilt. Although if you actually thought it through, the outcome would likely be much more acrimonious him finding out indirectly.

I'd expect it more in the sort of situation where she might be wanting to dump him but not know what to say. The type of situation where maybe they don't really care that much about the other person but don't want to have that difficult conversation.

If that was my SIL, I'd warn her that I'll tell my DB and then I would tell him. I'm quite close to my brother and my loyalty lies with him.

He needs to know.