DP is refusing to drive, after doing it previously

He has offered options though, public transport or cycling, which are perfectly reasonable if you don't want to drive.

Not everyone likes driving. I have good friends driving for decades and still hating it. They do it because they have no other option - 2 hours public transport to and from work, against half hour in the car.

One good friend driving over 40 years can't wait to retire to give up the car. She still gets nervous on the wheel and won't touch the car except to and from work or to buy groceries locally. Her husband always long distance or anywhere not familiar to her.

I understand that living rurally seems like he's not pulling his weight with family transport, but if he hates it, you have to accept the burden of doing most of the driving. It's part and parcel of accepting our spouses personal limitations in a marriage.

I hate driving. I can only drive to places that I know. I get confused with lanes and directions. Can't follow a Satnav. Going anywhere new fills me with dread and panic. I would also just get public transport. Every time I get in the car with my kids I think that their lives are in hands. It's awful. I do drive the places I'm comfortable driving too and I need to for work but my husband does most of the driving when we are out and about. I know a couple of other people who have their licence and refuse to drive completely. It's not your husband being lazy or entitled, he's obviously scared. Getting frustrated isn't going to help. He probably does need to force himself a little but I completely understand the fear and panic.

Neither DH nor I have driven for years. We were both reluctant drivers and really didn't enjoy it. Tried a Scottish highlands holiday by train/taxi/bus in the early 00s and realised it was more than manageable. We never looked back, we have one DC.

Bit shocked by the people dismissing the OP's partner saying he has panic attacks over driving, with comments like 'he needs to grow the fuck up'.

I know people who've stopped driving after experiencing this, and frankly we're all safer without them on the road.

If it's a deal breaker him driving then he'll need to seek out help for his panic attacks.

He needs to work through what is bothering him about doing it. The linger he leaves it then the harder it will get.

I suffer from driving anxiety from time to time. I used to drive all round the country, a very confident driver and didn't think twice. Completely came out of the blue the anxiety for not obvious reasons. I think it came down to a few life events that give me anxiety but I know the triggers and work hard to keep on top of it during every day life. I absolutely do not shy away from it or refuse to let it win.

However after an attack the once where I completely cocked up a roundabout DH saw just how bad I was. I'm talking about pulling over, dry heaving, the shakes etc. I have however been working on it and can drive further out, take the kids away etc. When we go out DH will now ask if I want to drive, sometimes I do sometimes I don't. However I am a much better navigator than he is and he is more confident on unfamiliar roads. Works well for us that way.

Wtf I don’t want anyone who has a panic attack on the road.

I've been driving 10 years but I went through a patch where I started having panic attacks on the motorway after driving home one evening in torrential rain where I couldn't see and thought I was going to die. Panic attacks are horrible, is your husband being treated for them? If not he needs too, start with the GP or private therapist. If he stops driving altogether then he will probably never drive again, I pushed through and overcame the fear but I know people have different levels of panic. Try to be supportive, but realistically he needs to be able to drive if your live rural.

Yeah because drivers too frightened to be calm behind the wheel, who could lose control of themselves are exactly what we need on our roads. Maybe when you grow up you'll come to understand that not doing something you don't feel safe and competent to do is actually the mature decision.

Did I miss the part where OP said that he is instead proactively looking to either address his anxiety or has been coming up with alternatives, such as planning bus routes and times so they can all do things together without the expectation that OP will just drive?

It sounds like an anxiety issue. This would need to be discussed with his GP to check this out. Just because anxiety was not a problem for him before does not mean it is not a problem for him now.

If it does turn out he is sufferingis an anxiety disorder, these conditions are treatable with medication or therapy or both. The usual therapy is gradual re exposure to the situation causing the anxiety to desensitise the sufferer to the fear or anxiety - which you might be able to help him with.

My DH had an operation in the spring which meant no driving for a couple of months. It was a royal pain so I don’t think you are BU. But if he’s genuinely got an issue then he’s a danger to everyone else.
Is moving somewhere with good public transport a possibility? Because you’ll be in trouble if you can’t drive yourself for any reason.

The frustrating part is probably that he wont even attempt to seek some support or help, if he did and still felt like it was too much then im sure OP would be more understanding. As is he doesnt have to bother because he knows OP will drive, and/or his children will miss out on stuff and hes content with that.

Indeed. And this is what makes the situation difficult. While I understand OPs frustration, most parts of family and household work don't involve potentially endangering the lives of others.

Dishes and laundry aren't dangerous activities

Driving when you're nervous or unsure can be lethal

I don't think one single poster has actually said that?

what would be better rather than the OPs partner digging his heals in and leaving it all up to OP would be to go to the GP and get help with panic attacks.

they are treatable. Once they're under control then get back on the road.

no one's saying they'll put their child in a car with someone having panic attacks WOW
😂

You are talking nonsense.

I wonder if there has been a near miss or something happen that he has not told you about, when he has been driving without you.

These things can be self perpetuating, though. I have a friend who sounds similar: she can drive, but isn’t a confident driver, therefore makes any excuse mot to it. But I do think a big part of the reason she isn’t a confident driver is because she doesn’t do it very often! Sometimes, in these situations, it really is about practice and something just becoming the norm. And I do have sympathy with the OP - it’s miserable if you always have to be the driver. It actually does limit where/how far you go as well, because it’s a different kettle of fish going on a long drive but knowing that you can ask your DH to take over for a bit if you feel tired or get fed up with it.

Developing a phobia around something to the extent that it triggers panic attacks is not “very selfish”. Don’t be ridiculous.

If driving ia an issue for him then I would happily do it. Normal for me and dh to have different jobs within the family depending on what we are better at.

I’d much prefer it that an unconfident driver liable to panic attacks stayed off the road. We discourage elderly drivers and this is no different.

My OH doesn’t drive, I do. Doesn’t bother me one bit as I enjoy driving. I wouldn’t be keen to be driven by such a nervous driver OP.

I work with a few people who have serious anxiety about driving. In a work context it is a problem as they need to drive as part of their role. They are encouraged to speak to their GP and have counselling.

In your position I would be keen he addresses it. I am confident about driving but still choose to walk, cycle or catch the bus whenever possible.

@KassandraOfSparta yes I get that. I would rather be the family day out driver than feel my kids were missing out. He could perhaps take some sessions with an instructor in their own car to help build confidence.