Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that my appearance is no one else’s business?

134 replies

burntoranges · 13/07/2025 17:02

I’ve lost 5 stone over the course of around a year, and I finally feel happy with myself for the first time in a very long time. The weight loss was fuelled by a relationship breakup, and I’ve really been prioritising self care and enjoying being alone. I feel genuinely happy and confident, and I’ve always been curious about aesthetic treatments but to be honest I never bothered because I knew I’d still feel rubbish until I’d shifted the weight so it felt pointless. Fast forward to now and so far I’ve had my eyebrows micro bladed, hair extensions fitted, and an upper blepharoplasty scheduled later this month as I’ve always had hooded eyes that are now starting to affect my vision due to the skin sagging onto my eyelashes.

I also got the tiniest bit of lip filler at the weekend, had zero plans of telling my family because it’s none of their business, but they saw me the afternoon I had it done and it’s like all hell has broken loose. My mum and sister are disgusted with me, saying I’m ’taking It too far’ and I don’t need anything done. I’m just so annoyed because I’m finally happy and confident and treating myself to these little tweaks that I KNOW the risks of, I’ve accepted those. I feel like they’d rather I went back to being fat and miserable.

AIBU to ignore them if they ever bring up my
looks as it’s none of their business? Am I being too harsh?

OP posts:
IceLollyMolly · 13/07/2025 18:40

burntoranges · 13/07/2025 18:36

@IceLollyMolly yup. It’s more so in one eye specifically, plus I work from home on a screen all day so by the end of the day my eyes feel extremely heavy and tired from having to open them so much wider to see properly due to the excess skin sitting on my lashes.

But also, even if it wasn’t affecting my vision and I just wanted it done purely for cosmetic reasons does it really make a difference?

Yes I think it does make a difference if done for cosmetic reasons.

Pamspeople · 13/07/2025 18:40

I'd use the money on assertiveness training rather than any further treatments. Then you'll learn how to genuinely not care what other people think about your choices, and how to communicate that clearly and respectfully. It's a super power that doesn't fade with age.

Tiswa · 13/07/2025 18:39

myplace · 13/07/2025 17:31

I think you are being a bit black and white.

They aren’t saying they prefer you fat and miserable. They are saying that you are going hard at cosmetic treatments in a way that isn’t in character.

That’s a caring observation, and a reasonable concern to raise. A relaxed response would be, ‘No, it’s all good, I’m done now. I’ll just be better at self care from now on.’ Your reaction suggests it’s caught you on a nerve.

All the people who have had plastic surgery addictions or similar, started out with perfectly reasonable, small tweaks. At some point they edged across to dysmorphia and ended up looking like a cat, Barbie, an alien, or just someone else. Being asked to slow down a bit by your family is not an infringement on your civil liberties- even if they are wrong.

This there is a fine line and only you and your friends know where you are on it and it maybe that there is a difference as to where that it

Zov · 13/07/2025 18:39

Wow, they're jealous. 😂

You go girl. I bet you look amazing! Well done on your weight loss, and healthier lifestyle. 😃

Richiewoo · 13/07/2025 18:39

Tell them to mind their business. You continue to do what makes you feel good.

MikeRafone · 13/07/2025 18:38

burntoranges · 13/07/2025 18:34

@MikeRafone thank you, this is exactly what I need! I feel like I go on the defense and start trying to justify it when I really don’t need to, I just need to practice not even engaging in the conversation.

not engaging and defending - its really hard - but it is so powerful and to just say thanks for your opinion, then nothing more will eventually get the message across

well done on the weight loss

I do wonder if there is some noses put out of joint as you are blooming...

tripleginandtonic · 13/07/2025 18:38

I'd enjoy being the weight yoy want for a while otherwise you could spend your life getting "little things" done surgically abs tbh, that doesn't equate with contentment.

AhBiscuits · 13/07/2025 18:37

I'd definitely be a bit concerned if it was my sister. Everyone starts off with a little bit of subtle filler and then they get a little bit more and before you know it it's leaking out beyond the line of their lips and they go full on duck face. It happens a lot. A friend of mine started as you did and now, as much as I love her and would never say it, she looks fucking ridiculous.

I just find it sad that women feel so much pressure to look a certain way that they put their bodies through so much.

Americano75 · 13/07/2025 18:37

burntoranges · 13/07/2025 18:32

@Americano75 I’m 34, but always struggled with hormonal skin issues - I’ve managed to get it under control over the past year so that means a lot, thank you!

I'm 50 and very jealous of both your skin and your amazing weight loss. I don't think your sister and mum are coming from a place of jealousy though, you've been through a massive transformation in a relatively short time which can be unsettling. They might just be worried about what you might do next, or if you'll never be content. Just smile and nod and in a few weeks they'll be past it.

Original poster
burntoranges · 13/07/2025 18:36

@IceLollyMolly yup. It’s more so in one eye specifically, plus I work from home on a screen all day so by the end of the day my eyes feel extremely heavy and tired from having to open them so much wider to see properly due to the excess skin sitting on my lashes.

But also, even if it wasn’t affecting my vision and I just wanted it done purely for cosmetic reasons does it really make a difference?

OP posts:
Original poster
burntoranges · 13/07/2025 18:34

@MikeRafone thank you, this is exactly what I need! I feel like I go on the defense and start trying to justify it when I really don’t need to, I just need to practice not even engaging in the conversation.

OP posts:
IceLollyMolly · 13/07/2025 18:34

Is your vision really being affected at 34?

Original poster
burntoranges · 13/07/2025 18:33

@DiggingHoles thanks, but I’ve researched the bleph for over a year! It’s being done by an oculoplastic surgeon and I’m up to date with my eye tests. It’s actually a relatively minor procedure. And yes, there are risks with filler but again, I researched this and chose a reputable injector and I felt that on balance, the benefit outweighed the risk for me personally.

OP posts:
MikeRafone · 13/07/2025 18:33

All you have to say to them is

thank you for your opinion
Don't engage, don't stop tell them stuff but if they react adversely - just repeat Thank you for your opinion - full stop mouth and lips shut tight

do not engage, don't debate, don't justify yourself

its really important not to justify yourself

as you state, its none of their business

Original poster
burntoranges · 13/07/2025 18:32

@Americano75 I’m 34, but always struggled with hormonal skin issues - I’ve managed to get it under control over the past year so that means a lot, thank you!

OP posts:
Americano75 · 13/07/2025 18:28

I'm guessing from your photo that you're quite young? Your skin is perfect.

DiggingHoles · 13/07/2025 18:28

Congratulations on the weight-loss. As for the micro-blading and the hair extensions. It's a personal cosmetic choice. I can´t see much harm in these.

But are you sure you know the risks of filler and upper blepharoplasty? Was the latter prescribed by a doctor? Are you sure you vision loss is not something happening with your eyes or your glasses prescription?

From what I know of filler is that it is hyaluronic acid, that it won't dissolve on it's own, that it can become hard and lumpy, but there is an equal chance of it traveling down the face and causing sagging, requiring surgery to fix.

And if I know you and saw your lips like that I would wonder if you had been attacked by bees. Why would you do this to yourself?

Pamspeople · 13/07/2025 18:23

burntoranges · 13/07/2025 18:17

@Pamspeople i get that, and I know that lip filler isn’t for everyone. I only posted the photo to show that it genuinely was conservatively done and that I think she was overreacting, especially given how swollen they are since they were JUST done 🤣

It sounds like your mum is bringing up two different things - your sister's anxiety (not your problem, tell your mum it's not your problem and to take it up with your sister) and her own concerns about the treatments you've had (be assertive and tell her you're not going to discuss it with her any further).

You've made your choices and need to deal with people's reactions, they won't all be what you want but as long as you're happy then what people think of you is none of your business, as they say

GuevarasBeret · 13/07/2025 18:23

burntoranges · 13/07/2025 18:19

@GuevarasBeret I don’t want to care, it’s just difficult to ignore when it’s constant comments even when I tell her that I’m happy with it and it’s none of her business. Like I said, this was yesterday and she’s still bringing it up today.

Then you have to not give it oxygen. “All done now? Got it all off your chest? I gave you the respect of listening now please her me out. I don’t care what you think. Who won the tennis?”

Barney16 · 13/07/2025 18:22

Good for you OP, if you want work done have it done. I have had Botox and fillers and it's marvellous. I tell the doctor I don't want to look younger, just well preserved. If it makes you feel good take no notice of others.
.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/07/2025 18:21

burntoranges · 13/07/2025 18:20

@MrsTerryPratchett I recognise your username, I think you were extremely supportive on one of my previous threads about leaving my ex and I just wanted to say thank you.

So glad to hear that. All the very very best Star

Iloveacurry · 13/07/2025 18:21

Well done op. Is your sister bigger than you now? Perhaps that’s her issue.

Pomegranatecarnage · 13/07/2025 18:21

Congratulations on your weight loss. I got hair extensions after my DP died. Ignore them!

Original poster
burntoranges · 13/07/2025 18:20

@MrsTerryPratchett I recognise your username, I think you were extremely supportive on one of my previous threads about leaving my ex and I just wanted to say thank you.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 13/07/2025 18:19

burntoranges · 13/07/2025 18:09

@5128gap thank you, I also think this is the most reasonable explanation for my mum’s concern at least. She just hasn’t worded it that way which is what’s frustrating.

I think it is a reasonable explanation as well. And I worry about the young women in my team getting this and that done. Everyone says it’s ’for me’ but the male gaze and our socialisation into it is very strong. And the pull of endless modifications is worrying. In the olden days it was nails, tan and diet. Now it’s a lot of intrusive, medical procedures.

The other thing is that people get really really upset when you change their relationships unilaterally. And weight is so meaningful and important in society that ‘the fat one’ not being that any more is changing a relationship. Some people are great with it, some aren’t. It’s analogous to someone getting into drip and alcohol recovery. Co-dependent cracks show up.

Be kind to yourself, check if there is anything you can work on inside your head and well as outside! And if you’ve done an honest self-inventory, and you’re calm and clear and healthy in your intentions, carry on. If you’ve done need to do some self-esteem work, do that. None of it is really anyone else’s business.

Swipe left for the next trending thread