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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think overnights at their dads will have to stop soon?

111 replies

cadburyegg · 13/07/2025 13:49

I share two boys age 10 and 7 with my ex husband. He lives in a 1 bed flat and has done since the break up. He has the children EOW and every Monday night. When they are there they sleep in his bed and he sleeps on a camp bed in the living room. This was fine to start with, when we broke up they were 5 and 2 so no issue but as they are getting older it’s playing on my mind that they need their own beds really.

I bought him out of the house 2 years ago and we got a financial clean break. My solicitor said I was very generous with the settlement he got (6 figures) but we live in a pricy area and my exh doesn’t have a high income, so I wanted him to have a decent deposit which would hopefully enable him to buy somewhere suitable for when the children stay with him. That hasn’t happened, and since then he’s gone self employed and doesn’t earn much (as far as I can tell - CMS say he doesn’t have to pay maintenance).

I have told exh that he needs to sort proper beds for the children if they are to carry on staying there. I’ve suggested the beds that zip together but can detach which would mean they would have separate beds. He won’t consider it and said he can’t get more beds and can’t move yet.

AIBU to say they won’t be able to stay there when ds10 starts secondary? Or can they carry on like they are for a few more years? Ds10 said he doesn’t mind but ds7 says he has trouble sleeping there. I am stressing a bit because if the overnights stop I am going to have to change childcare arrangements or possibly even find another job….

Some thoughts please?

OP posts:
Delphiniumandlupins · 13/07/2025 16:39

Have you asked your younger DS why he thinks he's having trouble sleeping at his dad's? Is it anything to do with sharing a bed? I would have thought there's plenty of space at their ages. They should say to dad if they think separate beds, or maybe separate duvets, would be better.

whynotmereally · 13/07/2025 16:35

Leave him to it. I’d expect visits to drop when they become teens and want privacy, friends , gfs are more important

Original poster
cadburyegg · 13/07/2025 16:34

MascaraGirl · 13/07/2025 16:31

OP, it sounds like you have an agenda

Not sure where you got that from. I’ll have to rearrange my entire life if they stop staying at their dads and it would also mean I never get any time to myself, but sure, it must mean I have an agenda

OP posts:
Imaybeoldbutstillrandy · 13/07/2025 16:34

MsJemimaPuddleDuck · 13/07/2025 15:26

id buy a single air bedand just send them with them. One on the double, one on the single & dad on the sofa. Problem solved and would only cost £20 max.

No, don't buy beds for them.

It's up to your ex how he manages his weekends with his children.

I'm certain that there will come a time when they start saying that they don't want to share a bed. Then that's up to him to manage. Not your problem OP unless they're saying that it is - in which case I'd say that it's something that they need to discuss with their father.

I'd bow out of it - again, not your problem.

How would you feel if he started enquiring into your domestic arrangements?

ExercicenformedeZ · 13/07/2025 16:34

I'm surprised at these responses. I think that your Ex is a CF, TBH. He got a six figure settlement and he can't get the boys a bed each. Pathetic. As for the people saying 'there are whole families living in one room', that is very sad, but is absolutely no excuse for this situation.

MascaraGirl · 13/07/2025 16:31

OP, it sounds like you have an agenda

Iamacatslave · 13/07/2025 16:29

TomatoSandwiches · 13/07/2025 15:57

The 10yr old will start puberty soon and will have night time emissions, they do need separate beds, not necessarily separate rooms but yes.
I would talk to social services about this, they could do an assessment on the accommodations provided by their father and make recommendations for him to follow.

Don’t be so silly!

NapoleonsToe · 13/07/2025 16:29

TomatoSandwiches · 13/07/2025 16:25

Why am I being ridiculous?

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If you think having separate beds prevents abuse, that's a ridiculous notion. And why would you thoughts even go to that when 2 siblings share

x2boys · 13/07/2025 16:29

TomatoSandwiches · 13/07/2025 16:22

They also care about potential abuse and the emotional and social development for each child.

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That's just something you have made up.in your head
The Op.has made no mention of abuse why would you?

Namechangefordaughterevasion · 13/07/2025 16:27

My same sex DC had their own rooms and own beds but chose to room hop and share beds until the oldest was about 13. When your sons are unhappy with the arrangement they will probably make their feelings known.

Also, even if they aren't particularly happy with the situation they might still prefer that to not staying over with their dad.

TomatoSandwiches · 13/07/2025 16:25

NapoleonsToe · 13/07/2025 16:23

Abuse? Oh come on, you're being ridiculous now.

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Why am I being ridiculous?

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 13/07/2025 16:24

Purpleturtle45 · 13/07/2025 15:01

I don't think you can really decide yourself that they can't stay at their Dads. I agree it's not ideal but the sleeping arrangements aren't up to you. Hopefully he will come to the realisation himself as they grow.

Another turtle agreeing with @Purpleturtle45 !!

Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 13/07/2025 16:24

Nothing else going in. Bog standard case of left dh in the family home. Cafcass came out to check dc had own beds....
End of visit.

NapoleonsToe · 13/07/2025 16:23

TomatoSandwiches · 13/07/2025 16:22

They also care about potential abuse and the emotional and social development for each child.

Show quote history

Abuse? Oh come on, you're being ridiculous now.

TomatoSandwiches · 13/07/2025 16:22

x2boys · 13/07/2025 16:18

Social.services don't care wether the father has funds or not they care that the child has a place to sleep,is being fed and kept clean

Show quote history

They also care about potential abuse and the emotional and social development for each child.

x2boys · 13/07/2025 16:18

TomatoSandwiches · 13/07/2025 16:16

Yes, especially when the father has funds to provide this for his children.

Show quote history

Social.services don't care wether the father has funds or not they care that the child has a place to sleep,is being fed and kept clean

x2boys · 13/07/2025 16:16

TomatoSandwiches · 13/07/2025 16:14

It's not a middle class standard, its safeguarding, its really shocking to me that so many on here think this is ok.
Being made to share a bed and having the option to whilst having access to your own bed or room are completely different situations and one child here has expressed discomfort.

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Tell.me what safe guarding issue you think there is?

TomatoSandwiches · 13/07/2025 16:16

BlackCatGreyWhiskers · 13/07/2025 16:14

There’s entire families living in one hotel room and you think social services are going to be bothered about two children sharing?

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Yes, especially when the father has funds to provide this for his children.

x2boys · 13/07/2025 16:15

244milesnorth · 13/07/2025 16:12

I wouldn’t be allowing overnights without their own beds.

why should they have to share - their dad isn’t forced to share with someone else so why is it ok for his children

id end overnights and tell him to get the beds or take you to court

Its not up to you to allow anything

BlackCatGreyWhiskers · 13/07/2025 16:14

TomatoSandwiches · 13/07/2025 16:14

It's not a middle class standard, its safeguarding, its really shocking to me that so many on here think this is ok.
Being made to share a bed and having the option to whilst having access to your own bed or room are completely different situations and one child here has expressed discomfort.

Show quote history

There’s entire families living in one hotel room and you think social services are going to be bothered about two children sharing?

Magenta82 · 13/07/2025 16:14

244milesnorth · 13/07/2025 16:12

I wouldn’t be allowing overnights without their own beds.

why should they have to share - their dad isn’t forced to share with someone else so why is it ok for his children

id end overnights and tell him to get the beds or take you to court

It wouldn't be up to you though, nor is it up to OP. If she stops contact over this then her ex could take her to court for enforcement and unless something else was going on this would be looked on very unfavourablely.

TomatoSandwiches · 13/07/2025 16:14

BlackCatGreyWhiskers · 13/07/2025 16:12

Social services wouldn’t give a flying hoot. Why do MN think they are an enforcement agent of middle class standards?

Show quote history

It's not a middle class standard, its safeguarding, its really shocking to me that so many on here think this is ok.
Being made to share a bed and having the option to whilst having access to your own bed or room are completely different situations and one child here has expressed discomfort.

x2boys · 13/07/2025 16:14

TomatoSandwiches · 13/07/2025 16:11

That doesnt mean that SS shouldn't be asked to look at this.

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I would hope they would tell you ,you were being ridiculous
There are children that are being neglected and not fed enough food
Social.services have far more important things to do with their stretched resources, than pander to this nonsense.

BlackCatGreyWhiskers · 13/07/2025 16:13

244milesnorth · 13/07/2025 16:12

I wouldn’t be allowing overnights without their own beds.

why should they have to share - their dad isn’t forced to share with someone else so why is it ok for his children

id end overnights and tell him to get the beds or take you to court

You’re assuming the kids are bothered? My niece of that age chose to share.

BlackCatGreyWhiskers · 13/07/2025 16:12

TomatoSandwiches · 13/07/2025 16:11

That doesnt mean that SS shouldn't be asked to look at this.

Show quote history

Social services wouldn’t give a flying hoot. Why do MN think they are an enforcement agent of middle class standards?

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