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Original poster

My daughter asked me if she’s pretty

133 replies

GirlMumof2 · 13/07/2025 09:14

My nine year old asked me if she is pretty and I didn’t know how to respond. Of course she is beautiful to me and I do think that she is objectively pretty, but I don’t want to encourage her to think about her appearance too much.
My mum was a raging narcissist who constantly talked about her weight and appearance, so I make an effort to focus on more important things with my own kids.I told her that yes she is pretty but that that is the least most important thing about her and that she is smart and funny and kind. She seemed to accept my answer but I’m worried that her preoccupation with the way she looks is only going to increase as she gets older. How do I ensure that she has healthy self esteem without making too much of a fuss about her appearance?

OP posts:
JMSA · 13/07/2025 09:47

Jeez, I can guarantee you’re overthinking it way more than she is.

SinkthisShipPlease · 13/07/2025 09:46

Tell her that she is beautiful on the outside, but more importantly on the inside.

I think you've blown this up op, and may affect her confidence by doing so.

Comedycook · 13/07/2025 09:41

Well I tell my DD she is gorgeous all the time....as well as clever, funny, kind etc.

TheyreLikeUsButRichAndThin · 13/07/2025 09:40

God yeah, tell her she’s beautiful without hesitation! Hesitation says a thousand words.

Nothing wrong with being pretty and everyone wants to feel beautiful. Luckily, everyone is beautiful to someone, and the most beautiful people I know aren’t necessarily what you’d think of as stunning, but they have the inner glow and generous spirit that comes from being secure in oneself.

Narcissism isn’t thinking you’re beautiful, it’s a personality disorder!

MrsO3 · 13/07/2025 09:40

I think you answered her perfectly OP. You told her she’s pretty but you also told her other far more important qualities she has. That’s exactly what I do with own young daughters.

MrsVino · 13/07/2025 09:39

Lactofull · 13/07/2025 09:15

“Bloomin gorgeous. Now, get your shoes on and let’s go for a dog walk”

❤️

Notmycircusnotmyotter · 13/07/2025 09:38

I tell my daughter she's beautiful every day. I also tell her she's smart and funny and brave and strong.

It's pretty sad if your own mum won't tell you you're pretty. She shouldn't have to ask.

DaisyChain505 · 13/07/2025 09:38

You handled it well.

The things you can do to help her are:

Never talk about your body or anybody else’s negativity around her.

Compliment her daily on things other than her appearance. How strong she is for carrying something, how funny she is, how kind she is etc.

Dont let her have social media or unsupervised access to the internet. Have your parental locks on to the max so she has to ask for permission to go on basically all websites/use apps.

BadSkiingMum · 13/07/2025 09:37

Hmm. I actually it’s quite useful for parents to tell growing girls that they are lovely, gorgeous and special, as well as clever and kind, otherwise they are then rather susceptible to the first man who comes along and gives them some personal compliments. No young woman was ever seduced by a man just telling her that she is clever and kind.

I realise that this doesn’t challenge our sexist and looks-focused society but it already exists and is even more of an issue these days due to social media.

ShoeeMcfee · 13/07/2025 09:37

This has brought back a memory for me of a 9 year old me asking my mum if I were pretty and my mum laughed and refused to answer. I assumed that she didn't want to tell me that I was not pretty. I felt ugly for years until I stopped caring what she thought. For goodness sakes, just say yes.

DrowningInSyrup · 13/07/2025 09:36

I tell my daughter she is pretty, funny, clever all the time. I want her to be secure in her appearance, as I am sure there are many times people will try and knock her down.

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 13/07/2025 09:35

You tell her she is beautiful as well as all her other fantastic qualities, without a doubt.

Lacitlyana · 13/07/2025 09:35

My mother and father never told me I was pretty. I was pretty but also had a bit of puppy fat. I grew up believing I wasn't attractive or pretty at all. It's only when I look back at pictures I can see that I was very pretty. I wish my parents would have told me. Not to make out I was the most beautiful creature in the world, but just to assure me that I was attractive as well as smart, funny etc. They never did say that and as a result I thought I must not be nice to look at.

My younger sister they used to coo over and she still has her portrait on the wall (no one ever made a portrait of me).

DrowningInSyrup · 13/07/2025 09:33

Magicality · 13/07/2025 09:21

I would explain to her (kindly) that it's not considered polite to fish for compliments.

She may well not be fishing for compliments, she may just be questioning her attractiveness or looking for reassurance. Really not the time to be putting her down.

Moveoverdarlin · 13/07/2025 09:32

Magicality · 13/07/2025 09:21

I would explain to her (kindly) that it's not considered polite to fish for compliments.

I read this in the voice of Maggie Smith’s character from Downton Abbey.

Wish44 · 13/07/2025 09:31

i totally understood your fear op. My parents were both obsessed with physical appearance and that impacted on me and my sibs.

but saying she is pretty is very different to this.

Moveoverdarlin · 13/07/2025 09:30

I would have replied ‘You are so so pretty!’

Weirdestfamily · 13/07/2025 09:30

Magicality · 13/07/2025 09:21

I would explain to her (kindly) that it's not considered polite to fish for compliments.

If she’s feeling insecure then having validation from a parent is much healthier than seeking it elsewhere.

IthasYes · 13/07/2025 09:28

I was worried about this op and always praises DD for thier hard work etc but it's also really important to tell girls they are beautiful a lot of issues come conversely from that lack of belief and confidence

Heronwatcher · 13/07/2025 09:26

Magicality · 13/07/2025 09:21

I would explain to her (kindly) that it's not considered polite to fish for compliments.

Ridiculous! Of course you can ask your own mum FFS.

It’s totally normal for a child to ask this, don’t overthink your response as others have said. A resounding yes followed by a bit of broader thought is all that’s needed.

Crowpigeon · 13/07/2025 09:25

Yes, but you’re beautiful on the inside which is far more important

Lactofull · 13/07/2025 09:24

Magicality · 13/07/2025 09:21

I would explain to her (kindly) that it's not considered polite to fish for compliments.

Do you have children @Magicality ?

Lactofull · 13/07/2025 09:23

Magicality · 13/07/2025 09:21

I would explain to her (kindly) that it's not considered polite to fish for compliments.

Ignore

AMillionTomorrows · 13/07/2025 09:23

Tell her she’s gorgeous. Often. As well as telling her all the other things that are great about her. Girls need their mums to build them up because the world is quick to knock us down.

Magicality · 13/07/2025 09:21

I would explain to her (kindly) that it's not considered polite to fish for compliments.

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