My daughter asked me if she’s pretty

OP I think you dealt with it well. Unfortunately, in the world we currently live in, it’s inevitable that they start thinking about these things. The most important thing is that they know they can talk to you about how they are feeling and get reassurance that way.

I actually grew up with the opposite - was constantly valued for my work and character and it gave me massive hangups.
So i compliment my DC on their looks every day. shrug

Looks are an important part of us so no need to play it down.

Its not the be all and end all but lets not play down the fact that we live in a society where appearance is important and will reflect on certain career paths, social standing and in forming relationships with the opposite sex, whether we like it or not!

I think your answer was great.

I've always told DS and DD (in passing) that they are good looking. I've also praised them for more important qualities (kindness, hard work, intelligence etc). Also made sure to mention that good looks weren't actually important, although obviously it's nice to have them.

I've never commented on other people's appearances in front of the kids, in either a positive or negative way. There is no reason to, and the kids don't need to think that people go around judging the appearance of others.

The problem is in out Insta, shallow world, prettiness is power. From being ‘Mary in the school play’ at 6 to going out with the best looking boys to the workplace. An unfortunate haircut & spots at a sensitive age can lead to a lifetime of under confidence. It really shouldn’t matter & character, spark & fun should. Does she do any sports? Those that were the sporty kids seem to often grow to the enviable happy-go-lucky type.

This! My son asked me the same question a week ago. I said ofcourse you are. He wanted to know because he didn't know whether he would have a girlfriend in the future in case he wasn't handsome.

And I guarantee the message a child would get from that would be that she is not pretty @twobabiesandapup

Congratulations on your baby. Don't overthink. Just say yes! Balance is everything isn't it. I'm sure you'll tell her she's kind and smart and whatever too.

I like Phillipa Perry's book on parenting. It's interesting.

It's a minefield, and I suspect whatever you do, you'll get it wrong in some way.

I got bullied in school for being ugly. I remember asking my mum if I was pretty. She paused and said:"you've got nice eyes. " wtf? Looking back at old primary photos, I would say that out of all of us, only one is 'pretty'. I would be classed as 'attractive'. In her defence, I think my mum was probably autistic, so honesty came first!

With my own dd, I've always gone for the 'you're so clever the way you do...' or 'that outfit/ makeup looks really nice'. But if she asked me directly, I would just say yes. Mainly because I'd be wondering who'd told her she wasn't.

I think it's a nice thing to tell your kids they're pretty or handsome or they look nice. I don't remember being told I was pretty at all. I remember my parents commenting on my weight (never bigger than size 12 as a teen) and talking about women's figures. My older brother always had younger and very skinny girlfriends (right into adulthood) and they always praised their beauty or figures. Quite gross really. I used to feel so awkward listening to it.

I was 'clever' or 'grown up'. Not 'pretty'. We have to be careful about giving our kids labels. Saying they're pretty one day and praising kindness or creativity or achievement is good and balanced.

I realised when I was an older teen that I seem to be attractive to men, but I never really felt confident in my appearance.

My mum is very conservative and sometimes commented negatively on my clothes etc. I had a skirt I loved that she called tarty.

I've never worn a bikini in my life and kind of wish I'd enjoyed being young and attractive more sometimes, now I'm fat and fifty.

My son seems to have good self esteem despite issues with bullying and having autism so hoping I am doing ok with him. I often tell him he looks good when he's put something new on or had a haircut or whatever. I think it's important.

Just tell her she looks nice and pretty now and again along with praising her other qualities. She won't turn into a vain numpty because of it. The tik tok and Instagram selfie culture does that more!

Oh this is sad OP - I expect you have caused more of the problem you were trying to solve.

I would have just told her than of course, she’s beautiful, she has lovely eyes/hair/smile and moved on - you have made it into a “thing” now.

My niece is 7 and very much in the wanting to be pretty phase - thankfully she doesn’t seem to be lacking any confidence in that department and tells me confidently that she has the most beautiful hair in her whole school because it is long like a princess (it’s down to her ankles!).

My little girl is only a week old and I’m already thinking about this conversation coming up 😂 I’ve decided I’m going to answer with “pretty what? Pretty smart, yes! Pretty kind, yes! Pretty strong, yes! Pretty funny, yes!” And so on, and I’m going to tell her that those things make a person truly beautiful, not just pretty! I know it sounds really cheesy so don’t shoot me 🙈 I’m just sharing my thoughts

If she’s 9 and asking the question it implies someone else has told her she is not pretty.

In my experience people who are obsessed with selfies/make up/hair/etc are those who deep down don’t think they are pretty not those who have been raise to be confident in how they look.

I know plenty of teenage girls plastered in
make up and fake tan, posting underwear selfies on public Instagram accounts so that strangers will tell them they are pretty.

We have always told both our children (boy and girl) that they are gorgeous. They don’t need external validation from
strangers.

You always tell her "of course, you are the most beautiful girl!". What else could you do?

I think I would tell her that yes she is pretty with lovely skin and hair. Also say that its important to do well and try her best. Realistically not everyone is beautiful or clever .Its important that she feels she can achieve . I was totally fascinated at the same age by Golda Meir .The first Woman prime Minister of Israel .I clearly remember asking DM ,if she thought there would ever be a Woman PM of UK."I dont know ,but I shouldnt think so" she said. 10 years before Thatcher!

This!

OP said she does think her daughter is objectively pretty. She is just worried that confirming this to her daughter will result in her placing too much importance on her appearance.

Oh FGS🙄

Don't overthink it. If she asks, tell her yes. And make a habit every day of noticing and praising her for her good qualities - any time she shows care, perseverance, thoughtfulness, effort, skill, kindness etc, tell her you saw it and praise her for it.

She won't develop robust self esteem by everyone skirting round the question of whether she's pretty. Tell her she is and move on, but create an environment where her good qualities are consistently praised.

And just in case it needs to be said, make sure you never comment negatively on your own appearance in front of her.

I don’t have any kids and I’d never say what Magicality suggested. Childless people aren’t ogres with no clue how to talk to kids.

In this case, the child is 9 years old and asked a direct question (not “fishing”) once. She certainly doesn’t deserve such a response.

I also found it interesting that her mum didn’t think she was ‘objectively’ pretty. I think most young kids under the age of 10 or so look appealing/attractive. Maybe that’s just me though.

This. Totally.

I don’t think being told you’re pretty or gorgeous makes you narcissistic, maybe if you’re constantly told you are prettier and better than everyone else it would but there’s a massive difference.

I’ve told both my ds (20)and dd (24) on probably a daily basis that they’re gorgeous, both are happy with their looks, not obsessed and dd rarely wears makeup except on a night out as she’s confident about how she looks.

Your response sounds spot on. It's good to reassure her she's beautiful, but also remind her that beauty takes different forms and doesn't always mean you need to look the same as whoever the influencer of the moment is etc. One thing I wish I'd be taught growing up, is to compliment others (not necessarily on appearance, but if they do something helpful for another person etc). It usually makes them smile and encourages you to have a more positive outlook on life. .

Well I suggest you DON’T answer it with ‘Don’t be so vain’ which was my mother’s response to me at the same age, asking the same question.

Parents should tell their children that they are beautiful on the inside (smart, kind, funny, brave etc.) and outside everyday.
I sure do.

You are overthinking this. Tell her that she’s beautiful.

My dd is mid twenties and I still tell her often. I tell her that she is intelligent, kind, caring, a great mum, incredible woman and that she’s beautiful. Shes not obsessed by her image in the slightest.