My daughter asked me if she’s pretty

Your hesitation and struggling to respond is exactly what will make it a “thing.”
She will be wondering why you had to think about it, it will read like you’re lying and trying to find a diplomatic answer. Even saying “you are beautiful to me, of course.” I’d think: so you only think I’m beautiful because you’re my mum and have to say that!

answer without hesitation. Telling her she is beautiful/pretty should be second nature. Just as I often tell my sons how handsome they are. It’s not the only compliment they hear, but it’s an important one.

Wanting to feel/look pretty or at least be assured you aren’t hideous and have a base level of confidence in your appearance does not make you a narcissist. It’s a normal part of the human experience.

She's a child starting to develop her identity and looking to her mum for reassurance and validation. Mate.

I think by wondering if she’s pretty ‘objectively‘ and thus implicitly considering if you’re telling the truth, you help to perpetuate the false idea of what pretty is. I agree with those who suggest you just say to her she is pretty all the time—don’t wait for her to ask. Of course you also praise all her other qualities. Though I get the ‘pretty what?’ Idea (it’s a bit cutsie for me), the issue with that is that other people talk about ‘pretty’ and it just sounds as though you’re avoiding it because you don’t think they’re good looking by external standards.

If you tell your children they’re beautiful all the time then their idea of what is beautiful encompasses all that they are. Having a child with a visible facial abnormality I can say it’s really important to tell them they’re beautiful, pretty, cute etc etc because it gives them a rock solid sense of security in their looks as not something that is judged by external standards.

If she can't ask her own mother, who can she ask? She's not fishing for compliments, ffs, she's asking her mum if she's pretty.

Beauty has always been power. It’s been currency for hundreds of years. I wouldn’t hesitate to tell my daughter she’s beautiful, no caveats, no comments on character, just yes, you’re pretty.

Oh I love that. My daughter is never more beautiful than when she's covered in dirt or sand from playing outside and I've always told her that - it's an indication that she's been having the best fun. I always loved collecting her from nursery in the summer when she would be all dirty and sticky from suncream and would conk out asleep early from lovely, slow summer tiredness. She's 10 now and I still love it, and I'd like to think I'm doing something right on that score as she's so un-self-conscious in comparison to some of her friends at even this age. When she's a bit more dressed up I always tell her I love her look or her style but I don't really make any distinction on when I tell her she's beautiful or pretty or cute. I've also bigged up a lot of things that I know children can become self-conscious about very easily and very quickly - freckles, smiling with her teeth showing, distinguishing marks. It would be heartbreaking for her to start covering up her beaming toothy smile with the closed-lip-half-smile.

There is a line though between encouraging her to enjoy herself outside and not fearing being dirty, and knowing when she has to be presentable and making sure she keeps brushing her teeth 😅 But she is the most beautiful little thing in the world and I would never not tell her that. She seems fine and comfortable with who she is for now, and I would so love for that to be the case in the years ahead. If I didn't tell her she was beautiful or pretty then as a PP said - where would that leave her when someone did compliment her in that sense and it was a new and novel thing?

What's wrong with being pretty? She is, and you think she is, and you love her, so just say it.

You already explained that it's what's inside that counts and people's heart and brain and character are much more important than looks.

It's perfectly normal for little girls to want to be pretty and it's all really innocent.

In my eyes, my daughters were the most beautiful girls ever to walk the earth. Don’t most people feel that way about their children? Tell your daughter she’s pretty for goodness sake.

This got me in the feels. This was my childhood except it was other girls my mum used to go on about being pretty...never once me. I genuinely thought, and accepted, I was ugly and it affected my confidence for my whole life. My husband says I'm a goddess which I adore him for but I still struggle to believe anyone could find me attractive. I do also believe that how we look is the least important thing about us but to think your parents believe you're ugly is kind of heartbreaking. I tell my kids (girl and boy) all the time that they're gorgeous and they're fully fledged confident adults now and I feel proud that I've broken the cycle.

Feel bad for your kids

It’s unnecessary to say that’s the least important thing about you - just say I think you are pretty but I am so proud you are Xxxx

try and keep messages positive

Has someone told her she's not pretty, maybe a 'friend' at school? The only answer is of course you're pretty.

Yes, youre so lucky that you are lovely looking and pretty. Always remember though darling, that there are FAR more important things about you than that. Youre also funny and clever and kind and hard working and strong etc etc and I love all those things about you.

Really? What message do you think that would send to a 9 year old?

My daughter has never needed to ask me this question as I've have told her (and my son!) that they are gorgeous plenty since they were babies.

Who doesn't tell their lovely children they are gorgeous inside and out

I was never told i was pretty as a child. I dont think my parents were great with compliments like that or maybe thought they way you do. I did get complimented on my sporting acheivements and work.

But plenty of other children called me ugly. Guess what i believed growing up? It really knocked my confidence and self esteem to the extent that when guys started to flirt with me etc i thought they were taking the piss.

I didnt bother dressing 'nicely' because i thought people would make fun. And i refused to be a bridesmaid cause i didnt want to ruin pictures. 🤣 missed out on a few things.

So yes it is important to let her know she is pretty.

No its not the most important thing in the world. And beauty isnt just one look either. But you can compliment everything.

I’ve been doing the ‘fancy’ thing too.

Our lovely older neighbour very kindly looked after DD for an hour yesterday - she came back with her hair in some kind of elaborate up do, reeking of perfume and with a very orange lipstick on. I mean I hated it, but I had to go with ‘oooh you look (and smell) so fancy’ 😆

Why is 'strong' more worthy of praise than 'pretty'? Unless she's weight training as a child, then her levels of strength will be as much down to luck and genetic predisposition as her apprearance. Shying away from telling a child they are pretty is more likely to create problems than reassuring them that they are.

I watched an interesting interview with a child psychologist who recommended telling your children they look pretty/handsome/beautiful all the time but esp when they are muddy, disheveled, covered in snot etc and focusing on effort/effect when they are dressed up by saying 'you look fancy' if they have tried makeup or nail polish or 'that outfit suits you' if they are dressed up.

That gives them a sense that they are inherently beautiful for who they are in their natural state, but recognises the effort made when they focus on their appearance.

I agree with PP that you risk inadvertently passing on your issues with this to her by making it into a bigger deal than it needs to be.
All children will consider their physical appearance and ‘attractiveness’ at some point. It’s completely natural.
I tell mine they are beautiful outside and most importantly, on the inside too.

Oh yes, dismiss & diminish them instead of encouraging a child to be completely transparent, open & vulnerable with their parents, especially as they head into double digits…

Your answer was perfect, but dont project your own concerns and experiences growing up onto her - asking you once does not constitute a ‘preoccupation’. Even if she asks it more times - the answer is yes every time, ‘youre bloody gorgeous, of course you are. Right what are we making for dinner?’

Then of course at other times praise her kindness or her courage or her creativity or her physical abilities or whatever else - and give lots of opportunities to develop and shine in those areas too.

The world is shallow and preoccupied with looks and it’s only getting worse with social media. ‘iPhone/ instagram face’ and an increasingly narrow and artificial range for what is considered acceptable/ attractive. But you not telling your daughter she’s pretty isn’t going to change that - nor is not expecting her to notice it or respond to it.

It’s a minefield and I’m dreading it as my own DD gets older. I’m hoping to take that approach - lots of praise for all the wonderful things about her, lots of support and encouragement for interests and hobbies, lots of exposure to a wide range of people and role models, keeping off social media as long as we can possibly manage. Whether or not it will work remains to be seen.

I grew up feeling not pretty, that my body was ‘wrong’ (fat although looking back I wasn’t, particularly) and less than. No matter how much praise and encouragement I got for being clever, academic, creative, kind etc - that feeling has never really left me and it’s not a legacy I want to pass on to my daughter so I’ll also continue telling her she’s so utterly beautiful, as often as she needs me to.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with telling children they're beautiful or pretty or handsome or anything else about their appearance. As usual society has went off a cliff with this one - there is a difference between not tying a girl's entire worth to her appearance, and never telling her she looks nice, lovely, pretty. You don't need to add qualifications to it either, she'll pick up on that - nobody adds qualifications to someone being funny or smart. Just don't only ever tell her she's pretty.

Ah, ok, cheers. I read that wrong. 👍

What 'preoccupation'?

The kid asked a question that's all.

If she ever does become preoccupied then you can cross that bridge when you come to it.

Having said that, if you're one of these parents who's been posting her photos on social media most of her life, I'm sure you can understand where she's got it from.

I’d rather just be told I was pretty if I asked! If someone answered like this I would think they are avoiding the question and I must not be pretty. Maybe that isn’t the right thing but that’s how I would feel.