Making another go of our relationship with an alcoholic

If you stay then one day you will have to explain to your son why your prioritised his deadbeat alcoholic father over his wellbeing.

He is an alcoholic. He sleeps almost all day.

Yet he is criticizing YOUR parenting?

You feel sorry for him, don't you? Which is why you are making excuses for him.
How about feeling sorry for your son, the one person in this scenario who can't choose to leave?

Do you have to leave the flat OP as it's in his name? If so do you have somewhere to stay?

It’s much more likely AA didn’t work because you have to commit to abstinence and he didn’t want to. He has likely convinced himself he has control over his alcohol intake but you shouldn’t be taken in by him. Without his commitment to getting abstinence and significant intervention he will once again begin drinking heavily. Please save your child from being exposed to this man’s substance misuse because if you don’t he’s going to be significantly damaged, likely for life, and could well follow in his father’s foot steps.

Alcoholic or not, the man sounds like a fucking loser. He naps all day? Just so unappealing.

Get a man that sets his alarm, gets up, cracks on, helps with the kids, works, contributes to the home and gives you a kiss goodbye.

You are trying, he is doing nothing. I would insist on him being teetotal or its finished.
He's doing nothing at home but criticise. This isn't him making a go of it. I'd be off. Goodbye.

Who is this person he is supposed to be seeing next month? Do they exist? What is he doing about his sleep apnoea? You don’t treat sleep apnoea by sleeping all morning. You say he is not “as aggressive” when sober - so he is still aggressive at times and controlling even when he isn’t drinking?

How much does he do around the house if he isn’t working? Are you doing all that for him as well?

I’m trying to work out what is in this for you and the child. I’m not seeing anything very positive to balance the negatives. He needs to go and address his drinking and lack of work first, get his life back on track and at that point try to navigate rebuilding a relationship when he has something worthwhile to bring to that relationship

You've not been stupid, you've been abused. Coercion and control can be difficult to escape.

OP, I think you know what the right thing to do is. Wishing you strength. You deserve a better life than this, and so does your son.

My dad was an alcoholic. As an adult I can see more how he just couldn’t cope with life and have some empathy. But my siblings and I were all negatively affected by it significantly. For the sake of your child, I’d move on from the relationship. You must put yourself and your child first x

What do you actually get out of this?

What positives does he bring to your life?

I genuinely can’t understand how he makes your life better or easier.

If it didn’t work the first time then it’s not going to work the 2nd, 3rd, 4th etc time.

If he genuinely wants to make the relationship work, he needs to move out and get better by going to the gp, stopping drinking, getting a job and sorting himself out - before retrying the relationship.

I wasted 12 years with an alcoholic. I have 3 wonderful kids from it, but literally nothing else. He ran up masses of debt in joint names i found out about after i left. He was a shit dad, his priority was never the kids, he would fake it for a few days but it never lasted. He had a job but put in minimal effort and never wanted to achieve anything. The two times we managed a holiday he was vile the entire time and ruined it for them. Id beg him to stop ans it would last a few weeks. Id break it off and he would beg me to return and he would get help, he never did. When i left he had them 3 times, i had to remove them the third time as he got drunk and our then 6 year old got (thankfully not significantly) injured. He never saw them again, as he refused to agree to supervised contact, and that was a decade ago. Hes done evil, vindictive things, reported me to social services for most abhorrent of reasons which thankfully SS saw through immediately and back up my reasoning for him not seeing them unsupervised. Though hes never tried to see them or contact them officially or otherwise. Ive never received CMS or the likes. Its just been on me, for 10 years to support and raise them - and its the best decision i ever made for all our wellbeing.

AA does work. Your partner is not making any effort. Please leave him as this will not be helpful to you or your son.

Your poor child. You sound utterly passive and unwilling to accept any responsibility for his living environment. He needs one of you to stop thinking of your own selfish needs and be a parent to him, ffs.

Could you set your bar any lower?

For goodness sake, have some pride and step up and be the parent your son needs, he only has one!

The pain he has is caused by nerve damage due to his drinking. He's still deep into alcoholism and the alcohol will come first in everything. If he really wants to be a family, then you need to separate whilst he accesses the help he needs. This isn't going to go away, and this quieter period won't last.

Please just leave this person. I was the child in this situation. My bio father was an alcoholic since I can remember, he emotionally abused me and my mum and I also saw and heard her being physically abused. There was also financial abuse and most of the time we had literally no money at all for food and clothes as he'd steal it all to use on alcohol.

We went to a women's refuge when I was 12 but my mum then forced me and my sisters to go back to live with him when I begged her not to. And guess what, I was right. He didn't 'change' at all - everything went back to exactly how it was within a year. I was very damaged from this, among other things I self harmed and started using alcohol and drugs myself at 14, but she still wouldn't leave him. She left him again when I was 16 (after I told my school what was going on) but a few months later was saying that we were going back to him again! Thankfully he died a few weeks later from alcohol related issues and it was honestly the best day of my life because finally I was free. If she had gone back to him yet again I'd have simply just ran away from them.

My relationship with my mum was very damaged for a long time, it did improve when I had my first child at 19 but we are still not very close now 8 years later. It really hurts that she never put me first.

This man has already started treating you badly, showing that he's clearly not 'changing'. I'd say that your child will be very grateful to you if you left and you would save them a life of possible mental health issues/drug and alcohol use or whatever else later in life as a result of living with this man. I know it's really hard but what's best for you and your child is leaving.

Poor kid. He has 2 shit parents. He will have zero chance of a happy childhood.

This is a Very Very Bad Idea.

He doesn't sound very good even now, when he's "making an effort".

You were not put on this earth to be a rehabilitation centre for shit men OP, and neither was your son.

Your DH needs to move out and continue therapy to work on why he needs to passively selfmedicate lifes disappointments with drink rather than actively trying to make positive changes . Your child deserves better than growing up in such an atmosphere.

He's an alcoholic. He needs to completely stop. I know what it's like when someone promises and promises you feel like you should give them a chance to get better but sometimes the best thing you can do is leave them to it. If they get completely off the drink and make a real effort for themselves then they may be able to be a half decent parent at least but you need to be the one keeping your DS safe in case he doesn't. He doesn't seem like he's making much effort at all.

So him on his best behaviour is him sleeping all the time and sniping at you about the way you look after your child and telling you he does everything?

You deserve so much better, OP. Next thing he'll be back on the drink (he's already started, hasn't he) and blaming you. If it wasn't for you, he wouldn't need a drink, etc.

You can't save him, but you can save your child from the hell that is growing up with an alcoholic parent. Leave.

Waiting for some to inevitably fuck up is no way to live.
You and your child deserve more than this.

Move out. When he has been completely sober so a good period of time, like 6 months, and is showing consistent behaviour and effort to you and your son then you could possibly consider trying the relationship again. However, right now he hasn't stopped his addiction, this is the honeymoon period so this is as good as it gets and likely to slip a little or a lot.
Also, sleep apnea- does he have the CPAP machine? Then he shouldn't need more sleep than others.
What does he actually give to your life?
Would you be happy if your son grew up to be like him? Staying means you are showing your son this behaviour is acceptable.
Please leave, don't go back. I understand the guilt of your son not living with his two parents. But he will then have one parent who will prioritise him and love him, and have a safe home with him, and that is what he needs. Not a mum tip toeing around dad, being worried about what reaction you might get that day.
Wishing you luck.