Ignored by friend for trying to be considerate

I think it’s fine to say to someone to not worry about coming if they don’t feel up to it but it sounds like perhaps she felt she wasn’t welcome.

It would depend on how you worded it etc and what your messages after that were.

If you had said please don’t force yourself to come if you’re not feeling up to it, then that would be fine. But it sounds like you told her that’s its best not to come and that sounds like you are telling her she’s not invited anymore.

I don’t think you did anything wrong but she’s misunderstood it and as she was already feeling vulnerable, feels left out and like you weren’t there for her.

If you want to salvage the friendship then I’d send her another text saying that you hope she’s ok etc and you’re not sure why she’s not replying but you hope it’s not because you told her she didn’t have to come etc.

There are certain situations which require actually calling the person and speaking with them, instead of messaging. I feel many of these threads can be avoided if people just did that.

Yes I very much struggle with this as well OP so can empathise

It does sound like you were uninviting her.

You should have worded it differently.

That's awful OP, totally telling her not to come even if that's not what you meant.

Give her a call and say you didn’t write the text in the way it was intended and you’re sorry, you would love for her to come of course. Your message came across as rude, condescending and parental.

This is the importance of appropriate boundaries. One of their many functions is to mark where you end and other people begin. They delineate what you are responsible for and what you are not responsible for.

You are not responsible for another adults choices. If an adult chooses to people-please, then that is on them. If they moan to you, then is the time to have an honest conversation about how they brought that on themself.

What is not appropriate is deciding to 'give them an out'. I've never known anyone take an 'out' anyway - you see it on here all the time, how women give a man who is treating them badly 'an out', and they don't take it, because they are enjoying having their cake and eating it.

Similarly, a people-pleaser would be unlikely to take an out, because of not wanting to let someone down. but what you did was uninvite her.

If this is an example of you often taking responsibility for other people's emotions and decisions, you might want to take a look at your own boundaries and (differently expressed) people-pleasing tendencies.

Id go to see your friend asap with a bunch of flowers and an apology

As everyone has said, you have majorly messed up with your choice of words. Telling her you completely understand if she wasn't feeling up to it is one thing, but you didn't give her a choice, you basically told her she wasn't welcome. After being ill then her relative dying she might have really needed some normality and to get out the house for a bit.

You should apologise then ask to take her for lunch or something. I'm sure she's spent enough time at home so your offer to go see her (did you actually go?) might not have been her preferred option.

I can see you meant well and understand your reasoning for the message. I can be clumsy in text and come across abrupt, now I write the message and then read it again to ‘fluff it up’ after a telling off from my sister.

Maybe you’re in my boat and need to fluff too! Either way, it wasn’t intentional and I’m sure you’ll clear it up face to face.

You mentioned that she was a people pleaser OP. The thing is, I feel that the reason people pleasers are as they are is that people throughout their lives have been overriding their decisions etc. They often lack confidence in turn and are then patronised by others. It’s a vicious circle. So by doing what you did OP you’ve just resisted the behaviour they’ve always been at the receiving end of

It was very badly written. If you sent me that I’d be thinking go fuck yourself.

Also your assumed response that it’s fine (if it had been you) is from a place of no illness and no bereavement. So a breezy that’s fine is unrealistic.

its patronising - surely she is old enough to decide if she is coming or not if invited. It wasn't your call. You, in short, told her not to come. You may have been well intended but it comes across very rude.

You need to apologise if this friend means anything to you. She's been ill and lost a family member then her friend uninvites her to something she might have been really looking forward to. It sounds like you didn't want her there ruining your birthday because she might put a downer on the occasion ( but you would still go to her house, potentially for her to give you a gift). This is narcissistic and selfish. It was up to her to suggest not going and if you had to ask, you could have said it in so many better ways.

It sounds like you’ve uninvited her. I understand you’re trying to be kind but she may have been looking forward to getting out for a little bit and being distracted from feeling sore and upset.

I think either you leave her be or you message her and explain that you were only thinking of her and would still love for her to attend if she feels up to it- but I would expect her to say no though.

A better way of phrasing it would have been “I’d love to see you tomorrow but if you don’t feel up to it, I totally understand.”

Your way has basically told her not to come. Did you not realise how it sounded?

Remember she will be getting a lot of messages right now, due to her bereavement and is probably struggling to keep up with them all. especially on top of any she would have received about her own health.

Dear God how rude are you? You uninvited her!

You told her not to come and you’ll visit her instead. Of course she’s upset, she was probably looking forward to coming for a distraction and you told her you didn’t want her there. Did you even go and visit her like you said you would?

It was a kind thought but you phrased it unbelievably badly.
You should have PMd her privately saying "you've been through so much, I cant wait to see you but PLEASE dont feel forced to come - if you need to cancel its totally understandable, we can always rearrange. Whatever you need x"

You told another adult its not a good idea for her to come? That sounds like you're basically uninviting her and that she'd bring the mood down!

Why not have just told her there was no pressure to come if she wasn't up to it?
She might have been looking forward to a distraction.

The one word answer indicates she's probably really upset. It does read to me don't come as you'll put a dampener on my birthday. Which lacks any empathy and makes you look self centred. I'd go and speak to her and explain what you meant.

Gosh @Scarlypopsmummyif I was your friend in this situation I’d be ignoring you too.
She’s been through a difficult time and may have been looking forward to a meal out with friends and getting a bit of sympathy/support. Instead she finds herself abruptly uninvited. Unfortunately it reads as though you don’t want her there because she’ll bring the mood down.
If you genuinely did only send that message with her best interests at heart I would try messaging or ringing and apologising and explaining your intentions.

Having reread the OP, it sounds like the meal has already happened but it doesn't sound like you actually went to visit her like you said? Is this right? If so I can understand why she's ignoring you more now.