Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think forgiveness is overrated?

37 replies

MyPoisedDenimReader · 12/07/2025 21:51

We act like healing requires forgiveness. Why? Some people don’t deserve peace. Some wounds don’t need closure - they need distance. “I forgive you” has become another way to tone-police pain.

OP posts:
piscofrisco · 12/07/2025 22:46

I agree with you OP. I have never forgiven my best friend for having an affair with my now ex husband and I never will. Ten years on and I’m happily remarried (to someone else)and fine. I didn’t need to forgive her to move on and be happy. She didn’t deserve forgiveness. I doubt she cares what I think about her now and I couldn’t care less about her. But I still don’t forgive her.

Toddlerteaplease · 12/07/2025 22:35

I think there are somethings that shouldn’t be forgiven. I think to forgive on some circumstances minimises the harm that’s been done.

alexalisten · 12/07/2025 22:34

Yanbu some things are unforgivable. Why would I forgive my abuser/rapist.

Dweetfidilove · 12/07/2025 22:29

I agree

FrippEnos · 12/07/2025 22:28

EmeraldRoulette · 12/07/2025 22:20

I went to a talk about this with a teacher friend - this was years ago - like maybe 15 years.

It was the biggest load of bollocks I've ever heard. I couldn't find any justice in it. And it did actually get implemented in schools I think did it?

Show quote history

Yes it got implemented in schools and is still done today.

Some SLT love it so much that they even make the teachers have these sessions with the pupils that they have given sanctions too (even at the higher levels of 'mis-behaving').

It really is a joke.

Rhaidimiddim · 12/07/2025 22:26

Agree 100%.
I don't forgive certain people in my
past for their behavior, and never will.
According to some, this means I can't move on. Not true, I have.

Sassysoonwins · 12/07/2025 22:25

I agree. I think you need to find a way to move on from hatred eating you up, but there are people I will never forgive and I think forgetting would open me up to having people treat me badly again. I think it would be far better to change the sentiment to 'learn from the experience and don't let it happen again but don't give that person space in your brain'. Easier said than done.

EmeraldRoulette · 12/07/2025 22:20

FrippEnos · 12/07/2025 22:18

Having been a teacher and gone through the "restorative justice" bollocks, were victim and bully sit in a room and talk it out, a lot of time all forgiveness does is let the abuser/bully (whatever) know that they have got away with it and they just carry on as they did before.

I went to a talk about this with a teacher friend - this was years ago - like maybe 15 years.

It was the biggest load of bollocks I've ever heard. I couldn't find any justice in it. And it did actually get implemented in schools I think did it?

FrippEnos · 12/07/2025 22:18

Having been a teacher and gone through the "restorative justice" bollocks, were victim and bully sit in a room and talk it out, a lot of time all forgiveness does is let the abuser/bully (whatever) know that they have got away with it and they just carry on as they did before.

EmeraldRoulette · 12/07/2025 22:11

Yes, I know what you mean

There is the mild version - as Taylor Swift said "you don't have to forgive and forget to move on. Eventually, you just move on and everything's fine." That's not verbatim by the way - I'm sure she put it much better.

Then there is Schopenhauer - "to forgive and forget is to throw all the benefit of experience out of the window". That's the one I heard first obvs 😂 and I find it useful.

To be honest, I think people mostly forgive because that's the only way they can feel better themselves. I suppose it's hard work to carry a grudge for some people or they need some kind of closure.

FrippEnos · 12/07/2025 21:59

I don't know if this makes sense but
you need to be able to forgive yourself for not needing to forgive other people so that you can move on.

MrsSethGecko · 12/07/2025 21:55

Damn right it's overrated. I was trafficked. I'm not forgiving the man who did it to me or the men he sold me to. I wish him dead every day.
Don't forgive, never forget. I'm not letting the bastards off that easily. I don't care if anyone thinks that's stopping me healing or whatever. They weren't there.