To think forgiveness is overrated?

No, and you’ve taken my comment out of context quite deliberately as it was pretty obvious what was meant.

Some people can move on though, yes. As I said, it’s not about making friends with the murderer and thinking they’re great because they’ve said sorry. You can still grieve your child but over time some people learn to accept that what’s happened has happened, they can’t change that fact and carrying anger for the rest of their life and dwelling on something they can’t change isn’t productive.

I mean I suppose it might depend on the situation and whether the child was murdered by accident or in a cold blooded and calculated way also.

I struggle with this as I consider myself to be a Christian. Then I read Romans 12:19-21 and feel better (sometimes!)

@CuriousKangaroo thank you. I agree with you, some things are too big to be forgiven.

I couldn’t read this and not comment. Fuck your trafficker, fuck those men who knew exactly what they were paying for and didn’t care. They are disgusting and don’t deserve your or anyone else’s forgiveness. Wishing you all the very best. x

Agreed. Some things are unforgivable. And that doesn’t mean you can’t move on, it just means you can see it for what it is.

I know what you mean.

I think what it is, forgiving yourself is the only way you can really really move on, and that has been my personal experience.

It’s not about forgiving the other person for healing, it’s about being at peace with yourself and acknowledging that it was not your fault.

I think that it is important to seek justice. But being bitter makes a horrible life - so I believe the act of forgiveness is meant to prevent bitterness. And it’s more about letting go of bitterness than it is about letting the perpetrator get away.

I don’t forgive them either. I’m so sorry you had to got through this x

I agree with @jackstini Forgiveness for me is not about telling the perpetrator they’re ‘forgiven’, it’s about finding my own peace.

It’s bad enough being harmed by a person’s actions: why would you want to give them even more power over you by holding onto anger and bitterness? It eats you up, so then they’ve won twice.

I try and accept we are all flawed human beings, some more flawed than others. The perpetrators won’t ever be happy - they can’t be with a mindset that enjoys harming others - so that is its own punishment.

Meh. In my school, I usually remind the wronged party that they don't have to accept an apology if they still feel aggrieved (and it's vanishingly rare for the person apologising to actually sound sufficiently contrite and earnest). I tell them to let the apologiser know at a later time if they decide to accept the apology or forgive them, but definitely make it clear there is no expectation to forgive as a natural consequence of receiving a half-arsed "Sorry...".

For me, forgiveness is not to do with the other person

It doesn’t mean it didn’t happen - it did
It doesn’t mean it doesn’t matter - it does
It doesn’t mean they were right - they weren’t

It’s about me not allowing them to live rent free in my head after they’ve done something shitty. Not wanting to feel that bitterness, hate, anger, fury etc. inside me. Me feeling those things doesn’t punish them, it punishes me.

I don’t let them off, and would make it clear they were wrong. However, I do choose to let go of certain feelings associated with it, so I can feel better and can move past it

You don't forgive someone for their sake, you do it for your own wellbeing.

Forgiveness isn't the same as saying it was OK to do it.

It’s a Cristian concept isn’t it?

So if someone murdered your child you would forgive them and move on

That’s one of the best things I’ve ever heard. Makes so much sense but I never thought of this. It is just awesome. Changes a few difficult situations for me. Thank you

I never forgive. I bide my time and when they least expect it, they get what’s due to them.

could be months or years of waiting. I don’t forgive, I don’t get mad, but I will get even.

It’s not about absolving someone of responsibility for what they have done, it’s about choosing to let go of it. What happened to someone may be traumatic or however you want to describe it and some people have a hard time accepting it but, ultimately, carrying around all that hatred and anger isn’t good for the victim in the long term.

You can’t control what others choose to do, only how you react and how you heal from that. Perhaps ‘’forgiveness’’ is the wrong choice of wording. I prefer to see it as just learning to let go and learning that what happened to you isn’t a reflection of you.

It isn’t about inviting your abuser, for example, around for tea and a hug, it’s just about learning to move on and redirecting any negative feeling you have towards somebody.

I agree I come from a family where there was abuse. Forgiveness was weaponised against me by people covering for the abuser. I was the problem because I wasn’t forgiving enough even though they had forgiven my abuser, aka hid the abuser out from accountability.

A relative who is a Catholic priest told others to hide out the abuse and not speak about it to preserve the family.

Forgiveness can be manipulated and it can be used as part of people failing morally and ethically.

Completely agree. There are some devastating replies on here, my love to those who have suffered so much.

Nothing wrong with righteous anger or indeed vengeance or just a cold lack of forgiveness. If someone’s not sorry for how they hurt you it’s stupid to forgive them. Not forgiving doesn’t have to mean holding onto bitterness which will only hurt you.

I think it depends on how you define forgiveness. If you see it as letting go of the inner rage and anger inside you, at the wrong someone has done to you, something that is poisoning you, not the other person, then it can be helpful. It can make a person feel back in control and stops the other person from controlling you, albeit unknowingly, and hopefully lets go of some of the damage that negative, stressful feelings can cause you. I don't think it is something that has to be communicated to the person who hurt you. It's about you being kind to you.

I don't think it's something that can be dictated by others, however. No-one can ever tell you to forgive and as others have said we don't want to forget the lesson the hurt has taught us ...

Forgiveness isn't an action you choose to take. It's a feeling. You either accept what was done to you, and feel you can get past it with no ill will against the person, or you don't. Personally I think true forgiveness, as in the emotion, is pretty rare unless the wrong was minor, or there were extenuating circumstances. I think what people mean when they use forgive as an action, is that they've decided they won't dwell on it and nurse a grudge.

It’s a legacy of the previous dominance of Christianity in our culture - in Christian teaching, forgiving people who have wronged you is envisioned as a reflection of God’s own forgiveness of us, his children, who err and sin. Forgiving people thus makes you more godlike.

But I’m not a Christian, so forgiveness is not an important value to me - particularly where someone shows no remorse.

Thank you FrippEnos for acknowledging what a load of bollocks that was, especially with you being a teacher. My son was bullied and the restorative justice was missing a playtime so that he and the bully could discuss it. Used to make me mad. Where is the justice in that. In the end, my son never reported it just got his own back.

Forgiveness is difficult to achieve, some things are unforgivable.

I agree. I am easy going but some things I can’t and won’t forgive.

My DD came home from school recently & said “we forgive those who hurt us” and I was like wft, no we do not have to do that. Some things in life ARE unforgivable. To tell people to give everything is telling them to hold their standards low.

I think the starting point is at the very least that the perpetrator begs for forgiveness and shows genuine remorse and a definite commitment to do better.

Even then any such decision is entirely up to the victim and should never be some sort of psychobabble requirement.

It is rare these days for anyone to own up to their actions and take responsibility.
Nobody apologises anymore.

It’s like the world has copied those arrogant fantasists on The Apprentice and think that humility and accountability are weaknesses to be avoided at all costs.