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Original poster

AIBU to feel (a little bit) hacked off by being accused of mollycoddling my child!

517 replies

WhiteWidowWithAttitude · 12/07/2025 15:51

My youngest DC (of four) 12yo, went on a sleepover. He has only been on a couple, which he has enjoyed but has said the next day that he was homesick and missed me and his siblings. Just for some context, his friend’s house is in the same suburb, maybe 5 streets away, approx a 3-4 minute drive.

On the night he was away, I had a few of my girlfriends over for cocktails and food, a couple of whom were staying overnight with me. We had all worked a really long week, so by 11pm, were pretty much in bed and half asleep. I had only had a glass of wine, as was knackered, and we had plans for the morning.

Just before midnight I got a text from 12yo saying “mum, is there any chance you can come and get me please, I want to come home”. I replied that I’d be there in 10 minutes and got up and started putting my boots and coat on to go and grab him. My girlfriend who was sleeping in my bed with me stirred when I was getting ready (in the dark - I didn’t turn on the light or anything), and asked me what I was doing. I replied that X had messaged me to come home and I was just popping out to get him. She then asked “what’s wrong with X, why does he want to come home at this time?” I just said “not sure, im sure I’ll find out soon enough”, and left.

Turned out when I picked up X, it was just a combination of things - his best friend at the sleepover had gone home last minute when their mum had got a message re an unexpected sporting event early in the morning. X was also hungry as hadn’t really liked what was for dinner so hadn’t eaten much, and he was also just homesick.

We were home in 10 minutes, I made him a sandwich, gave him a cuddle, and he was in bed asleep in no time, at which point I crept back into my bed, and slept too. My friend didn’t stir when I got back.

The next morning, when everyone was up, ready, drinking coffee and getting ready for the day, my girlfriend accused me of mollycoddling my child, said I should have either asked him what was wrong and why he wanted to come home, and said that his reasons weren’t a big deal and he could just have waited until the morning, or just have ignored his text and “he’d have fallen asleep and been fine”. I just said that if one of my kids want to come home, then I’m going to get them if I can.

She continued that I was mollycoddling and babying him. My children range in age from 12-21, and I told her that if any of them tell me they want/need to come home, then I trust that they have their reasons and will facilitate it if at all possible. She is adamant that I’m not doing them any favours and should “let them get on with it unless it’s an emergency”.

I know her opinion doesn’t mean I should change how I respond to my children’s needs, and I haven’t and wouldn’t let it affect our friendship, but it has made me feel a bit annoyed by her judgement of my parenting.

Sorry for the essay, but I didn’t want to be slammed for the Mumsnet crime of drip feeding so tried to include everything.

I suppose my question is, was I being unreasonable for how I acted, is this what others would do in the same or similar situation?

OP posts:
JayJayEl · 13/07/2025 20:45

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That's fucking horrible considering the OP has shared that they have recently lost his father.

usedtobeaylis · 13/07/2025 20:43

I would have done the same OP. There are circumstances where I would be less likely to for example a school trip, but somewhere nearby, at a friend's house where they just want to come home is different. Never will I tell my daughter she can't come home to her own house and her own bed when it's perfectly reasonable for her to.

It's none of your friend's business at all and there's no 'mollycoddling' - just a mum being there for her child.

Dawnb19 · 13/07/2025 20:43

All I see is a mum with a really good relationship with her son. Although saying that I would have tried to convince him to stay the night as to not upset the child's whose sleepover it is plus I wouldn't want to get my other children out of bed and into the car. But if he really wanted to come home I would have got him.

pineapplesundae · 13/07/2025 20:39

I think you are both right but you more so. Some twelve year olds are closer to eleven and some twelve year olds are closer to thirteen. Your son knew you were nearby and so decided he was ready to go home. I would have picked my child up also under those circumstances. You have to know your child and react accordingly. Your friend shared her opinion based on her parenting style, now she needs to keep her opinions to herself. Parenting is not a one size fits all.

Hanab · 13/07/2025 20:25

WhiteWidowWithAttitude · 12/07/2025 15:51

My youngest DC (of four) 12yo, went on a sleepover. He has only been on a couple, which he has enjoyed but has said the next day that he was homesick and missed me and his siblings. Just for some context, his friend’s house is in the same suburb, maybe 5 streets away, approx a 3-4 minute drive.

On the night he was away, I had a few of my girlfriends over for cocktails and food, a couple of whom were staying overnight with me. We had all worked a really long week, so by 11pm, were pretty much in bed and half asleep. I had only had a glass of wine, as was knackered, and we had plans for the morning.

Just before midnight I got a text from 12yo saying “mum, is there any chance you can come and get me please, I want to come home”. I replied that I’d be there in 10 minutes and got up and started putting my boots and coat on to go and grab him. My girlfriend who was sleeping in my bed with me stirred when I was getting ready (in the dark - I didn’t turn on the light or anything), and asked me what I was doing. I replied that X had messaged me to come home and I was just popping out to get him. She then asked “what’s wrong with X, why does he want to come home at this time?” I just said “not sure, im sure I’ll find out soon enough”, and left.

Turned out when I picked up X, it was just a combination of things - his best friend at the sleepover had gone home last minute when their mum had got a message re an unexpected sporting event early in the morning. X was also hungry as hadn’t really liked what was for dinner so hadn’t eaten much, and he was also just homesick.

We were home in 10 minutes, I made him a sandwich, gave him a cuddle, and he was in bed asleep in no time, at which point I crept back into my bed, and slept too. My friend didn’t stir when I got back.

The next morning, when everyone was up, ready, drinking coffee and getting ready for the day, my girlfriend accused me of mollycoddling my child, said I should have either asked him what was wrong and why he wanted to come home, and said that his reasons weren’t a big deal and he could just have waited until the morning, or just have ignored his text and “he’d have fallen asleep and been fine”. I just said that if one of my kids want to come home, then I’m going to get them if I can.

She continued that I was mollycoddling and babying him. My children range in age from 12-21, and I told her that if any of them tell me they want/need to come home, then I trust that they have their reasons and will facilitate it if at all possible. She is adamant that I’m not doing them any favours and should “let them get on with it unless it’s an emergency”.

I know her opinion doesn’t mean I should change how I respond to my children’s needs, and I haven’t and wouldn’t let it affect our friendship, but it has made me feel a bit annoyed by her judgement of my parenting.

Sorry for the essay, but I didn’t want to be slammed for the Mumsnet crime of drip feeding so tried to include everything.

I suppose my question is, was I being unreasonable for how I acted, is this what others would do in the same or similar situation?

I don't care if my kid is 12/21/101 if they call me and ask to be picked up and I can I am there asap. In this day and age I would rather be safe than sorry.
if that is mollycoddling I am taking the title
moddycodddling queen! Good for you mama .. your child called and you responded.

Hoppinggreen · 13/07/2025 20:21

We actually have a code phrase for our DC if they ever want to leave but don't feel they can say so - they ask how the dog is.
We started it when DD started to go to school parties around 15/16 but she never used it. She is away at Uni now and she messaged me to ask after the dog - I was about to get in the car until DH phoned her and she realised she had forgotten the code and was genuinely wondring how the dog was after a vet visit!

Cakeandcardio · 13/07/2025 20:21

It's always surprising to me when parents don't put their children first. So you did the right thing in my eyes OP. It wasn't even a big inconvenience to you and your kid will know you are a great mum who was always there for him without it being an argument or his feelings needing to be justified. Your friend has overstepped. And if she is a mum I wouldn't have much respect for her parenting either.

knor · 13/07/2025 20:17

I think you did the right thing by 100%. I think it’s good children know they can trust their parents to come and get them if they ask.
if something bad was happening (not saying it was) you’d always want your child to contact you

Sunaquarius · 13/07/2025 20:16

I would let that affect my friendship, who says that to someone?

I think it's really nice that you trust your children's decision making and are there to support it.

I went to a party with friends once with a group we didn't know too well as teenagers, the vibe was weird, felt really unwelcome and we all agreed we wanted to go home after about 30mins! Rang my dad, he picked us up, I would have felt so unsupported if he'd said no or even questioned me.

MincePiesAndStilton · 13/07/2025 20:16

Number one parenting mantra: “Whatever the problem, whatever the time - phone me and I will come and help you.”
Number two parenting mantra: “We always love to have you at home. If you ever want to come home and can’t find your way, we will come and get you.”

You were completely right.

Waitresstime · 13/07/2025 20:15

I would have asked why for sure. If I really felt he was very unhappy of course I’d have gone , but his friend leaving and the fact he hadn’t eaten the food offered wouldn’t have been my idea of needing to be picked up at midnight . I’d have told him that I’ll pick him up first thing in the morning and he should just get his head down … jumping at children’s beck and call never does them any favours in the long term , neither does it do you any .. you need time for you too .

Surgz · 13/07/2025 20:12

No you responded your child's needs the way you wished to. Its none of your friends business...next time remind him to pack some snacks

Isabellivi · 13/07/2025 20:07

Poor guy is only 12!!!! He will only be so sweet and missing his mommy for 5 more minutes. Lost his dad makes him vulnerable. I don’t understand people who are so in a hurry for kids to grow up. Mollycoddling is not letting them cook or clean at 12. When it comes to sleepovers I don’t even allow them and that is because 90% of sexual abuse I have heard of happened at the trusted friends sleepover

venusFlytrapped · 13/07/2025 20:05

yanbu. there are many children who wish they had a parent like you to save them at whatever hour at whatever age. You're completely right to feel annoyed with your friend. Keep doing what you're doing OP!

Hoppinggreen · 13/07/2025 20:01

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Not going to say what you sound like

Arran2024 · 13/07/2025 19:59

There was a thread recently about a mother being upset that school didn't contact her when her daughter was upset on a residential trip. This was primary, so younger than 12.

And I think there were a lot more people accusing her of mollycoddling than on here.

Is it because girls are supposed to cope?

Fromthestart · 13/07/2025 19:58

You sound like a first class parent. I have worked with young people experiencing mental health issues please don't change.

Isabellivi · 13/07/2025 19:58

You did the right thing. For all you know he could feel uncomfortable about someone trying to sexually abuse him ! I don’t allow sleep overs personally. So I think you are not mollycoddling but being a good mom!!! Imagine your son 20 years from now telling you that he was sexually abused because you didn’t go get him when he asked!!!!

Julimia · 13/07/2025 19:57

Think your 12year old needs to grow a back bone really.
Should hl you have been driving if you had had a drink?

FishFingerSandwiches4Tea · 13/07/2025 19:57

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My late DF would have collected me from college and did indeed collect me from for eg a job interview that went terribly. Didn't stop me from being independent including travelling alone to the other side of the world - arguably it gave me confidence to know he had my back at any age and whatever the circumstance 🤷‍♀️

MrsBJones · 13/07/2025 19:56

We're all doing the best we can and your son knows you're always there for him. As for his age, we mature at different rates, I hated Guide camp at 11 and was determined to come home the same day.

You won't be able to get your son home soon for love nor money once his hormones hit and he has his Kevin the Teenager moments, but he'll always know Mum's there for him which really matters as he now only has you.

I'm really sorry for yours and his loss.

Derbee · 13/07/2025 19:55

Your friend sounds like a bit of a dick. It’s none of her business anyway, but I totally agree with you going to pick him up.

I want my children to know that they can always call me when they need to come home, no matter their age. I also wouldn’t ask why, as you don’t know who is listening - he’s unlikely to feel comfortable saying “I didn’t like the food, I’m hungry, etc” if someone is there to overhear.

You sound like a great mum. Your friend should mind her own business. I was always the teenager who could call my my parents if I needed help, without having to hide things etc for getting in trouble/being ignored. It’s a wonderful privilege to know you have that support, when so many don’t.

DiscoBob · 13/07/2025 19:49

A 12 year old should be able to walk five streets home. It's not like many secondary school kids where their mates live a fair bus ride away. He was very close.
Unless he's physically disabled.

It's doing him no favours to always pick him up from things. His peers will be starting to do most things alone during the holidays to an extent. Not having mummy 'rescuing' them from everything.

HeartyViper · 13/07/2025 19:45

You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable. My kids don’t need a reason to not want to stay somewhere - I will ALWAYS get them. Maybe they feel homesick. Maybe they feel poorly. Maybe the house feels off. Any reason is fine - you call me asking to help, I’ll be there in 5, let me grab my shoes and car keys.
Friend sounds like she needs to wind her neck in.

HolyStyleFailBatman · 13/07/2025 19:45

I haven’t rtft, just your posts OP. I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss, and say that I fully agree with your parenting approach.

Kids need to know they have a safety net. I have a 12 year old son, and I could well imagine getting a late night call to collect him, which I absolutely would do.

He is a confident and capable boy who is willing to try new things BECAUSE he knows I will bail him out if he feels overwhelmed.