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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel (a little bit) hacked off by being accused of mollycoddling my child!

517 replies

WhiteWidowWithAttitude · 12/07/2025 15:51

My youngest DC (of four) 12yo, went on a sleepover. He has only been on a couple, which he has enjoyed but has said the next day that he was homesick and missed me and his siblings. Just for some context, his friend’s house is in the same suburb, maybe 5 streets away, approx a 3-4 minute drive.

On the night he was away, I had a few of my girlfriends over for cocktails and food, a couple of whom were staying overnight with me. We had all worked a really long week, so by 11pm, were pretty much in bed and half asleep. I had only had a glass of wine, as was knackered, and we had plans for the morning.

Just before midnight I got a text from 12yo saying “mum, is there any chance you can come and get me please, I want to come home”. I replied that I’d be there in 10 minutes and got up and started putting my boots and coat on to go and grab him. My girlfriend who was sleeping in my bed with me stirred when I was getting ready (in the dark - I didn’t turn on the light or anything), and asked me what I was doing. I replied that X had messaged me to come home and I was just popping out to get him. She then asked “what’s wrong with X, why does he want to come home at this time?” I just said “not sure, im sure I’ll find out soon enough”, and left.

Turned out when I picked up X, it was just a combination of things - his best friend at the sleepover had gone home last minute when their mum had got a message re an unexpected sporting event early in the morning. X was also hungry as hadn’t really liked what was for dinner so hadn’t eaten much, and he was also just homesick.

We were home in 10 minutes, I made him a sandwich, gave him a cuddle, and he was in bed asleep in no time, at which point I crept back into my bed, and slept too. My friend didn’t stir when I got back.

The next morning, when everyone was up, ready, drinking coffee and getting ready for the day, my girlfriend accused me of mollycoddling my child, said I should have either asked him what was wrong and why he wanted to come home, and said that his reasons weren’t a big deal and he could just have waited until the morning, or just have ignored his text and “he’d have fallen asleep and been fine”. I just said that if one of my kids want to come home, then I’m going to get them if I can.

She continued that I was mollycoddling and babying him. My children range in age from 12-21, and I told her that if any of them tell me they want/need to come home, then I trust that they have their reasons and will facilitate it if at all possible. She is adamant that I’m not doing them any favours and should “let them get on with it unless it’s an emergency”.

I know her opinion doesn’t mean I should change how I respond to my children’s needs, and I haven’t and wouldn’t let it affect our friendship, but it has made me feel a bit annoyed by her judgement of my parenting.

Sorry for the essay, but I didn’t want to be slammed for the Mumsnet crime of drip feeding so tried to include everything.

I suppose my question is, was I being unreasonable for how I acted, is this what others would do in the same or similar situation?

OP posts:
Mcoco · 14/07/2025 07:03

DeedsNotDiddums · 13/07/2025 23:45

Now having read that he lost his dad recently- are some of the people on this thread KIDDING!??
OP you were 100% right and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I would have done the same even if my child hadn't suffered such a loss.
The audacity of people suggesting a recently bereaved 12 yo should be told to suck it up!

Edited

Totally agree. Some of the comments here are ridiculous telling you to let your son get on with it! They should be ashamed of themselves. This post makes me feel quite worried that so many would ignore their kids asking for their mums help. Oh well hope they all think twice now!

Original poster
WhiteWidowWithAttitude · 14/07/2025 06:55

@Lactofull ❤️

OP posts:
Lactofull · 14/07/2025 06:49

And usually I’m a terror in mumsnet (as HQ well know! 😉)

Lactofull · 14/07/2025 06:49

I wish I knew you in real life Op 💐

Lactofull · 14/07/2025 06:47

WhiteWidowWithAttitude · 14/07/2025 02:41

This post, more than any of the tactless, scathing, nasty posts about my boy, actually made me cry. Because it’s so fucking true. He knows only too damn well that life most certainly does not always go the way he wants. Thank you, truly, for recognising that Flowers

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Oh darling, I didn’t want to make you cry.

i was just so angry at that absolute twat of a poster xx

Lactofull · 14/07/2025 06:46

tenderbee · 14/07/2025 01:36

I hope you are delivered from whatever you're going through that makes you this vile & poor on the opinions of a total stranger, opinions that you weren't asked for your input to start with.

Edited
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And it just keep getting more bizarre!!

Original poster
WhiteWidowWithAttitude · 14/07/2025 06:40

AuntyHistamine · 14/07/2025 06:21

You know some threads really bring out the spineless and vile creeps on here. So were being told that a 12 year old child who recently lost his father needs to grow a backbone? What the fuck is wrong with some of the people on here? Are they this spiteful and nasty outside of the internet?

I very much doubt they are - it’s “safe” for them to spew their anonymous bile on an internet forum - I don’t imagine they’d feel quite so confident or safe saying that to the face of a parent of a child who had not that long ago lost their father.

OP posts:
AuntyHistamine · 14/07/2025 06:27

NeedAnyHelpWithThatPaperBag · 13/07/2025 18:48

He does need to be prepared for a world that won't prioritise his wishes.

Yeah, just maybe not straight after recently losing his father at 12 years old though eh? You do understand the concept of empathy right?

AuntyHistamine · 14/07/2025 06:21

You know some threads really bring out the spineless and vile creeps on here. So were being told that a 12 year old child who recently lost his father needs to grow a backbone? What the fuck is wrong with some of the people on here? Are they this spiteful and nasty outside of the internet?

berightorbehappy · 14/07/2025 05:59

It each my kids they can ALWAYS leave somewhere if they don’t feel comfortable . How are they going to have the courage to leave dangerous situations if they don’t have experience in making that decision and it being supported . I’m 100 with you .. you don’t have to explain to anyone .

Beesandhoney123 · 14/07/2025 03:06

I would have done the same for my dc. Your friend had had a few too many perhaps. She sounds terrifyingly strident and bossy.

I have a very close friend like yours op, although ive never shared a bed with her- and she took it upon herself to comment on my inability to leave my baby to scream all night. I just said ' don't worry, you'll never be asked to babysit "

Interestingly, the health visitor also informed me I should always put baby in bed at 7pm and ignore til 7am, despite bf and ignore his crying and presumably my leaking boobs:) ignored her as well.

friend often hands me out unwanted advice. I listen and ignore. My grown dc are not molly coddled, and are independent young people. They also know I would be there in a heartbeat if they needed me - they laugh at me now- and offer the same back to.me.

MaxineHarper · 14/07/2025 02:49

BendingSpoons · 12/07/2025 16:16

Your 12yo asked for help and you gave it. That's good, as it means they will ask for help again rather than either staying in a situation they aren't comfortable in or not going in the first place in case they are uncomfortable. Sleepovers aren't essential, they are meant to be fun, so no big deal to leave if they want to, given that you were nearby and able to get them.

This

Original poster
WhiteWidowWithAttitude · 14/07/2025 02:41

Lactofull · 13/07/2025 18:53

This boy, more than most, well and truly knows that already

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This post, more than any of the tactless, scathing, nasty posts about my boy, actually made me cry. Because it’s so fucking true. He knows only too damn well that life most certainly does not always go the way he wants. Thank you, truly, for recognising that Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
WhiteWidowWithAttitude · 14/07/2025 02:29

Julimia · 13/07/2025 19:57

Think your 12year old needs to grow a back bone really.
Should hl you have been driving if you had had a drink?

Respectfully, I think you need to grow some empathy for a 12yr old boy who found himself in an uncomfortable situation he didn’t want to be in.

And if you’d read the thread, I had no alcohol in my system when I went to pick him up.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhiteWidowWithAttitude · 14/07/2025 02:12

Thank you again for all the overwhelming support in my decision to pick him up. I said at the start I think, that he has been on a couple of sleepovers before, and despite expressing the next day that although he’d had fun, he felt a bit homesick, he never called to come home from any of those. Which tells me that the fact that he did text from this one, and at midnight, meant that he really did want to come home. He knew I had friends over, he wouldn’t have wanted to disturb my night, he’s a bloody good, caring and considerate child. (Not a wet lettuce or any of the other disgusting things that have been said about a 12yr old boy). So I picked him up. No questions asked. And I’ve made peace with the fact that that was absolutely the correct decision and I’d do it again in a heartbeat.

As I also said, I’ve gone out in the middle of the night for one of my older ones, whose position was 100% of their own making, however, my kids know that I’ll help first and ask questions later. Why the hell would I want my kids to refrain from seeking help from me in case I get mad angry with them, or worse, refuse because “you got your self into it, you can get yourself out of it!”? That is exactly how you might end up with a dead kid, asking yourself “but how did this happen?”

I know that might sound dramatic, but I have seen how life can turn in an instant - both personally and professionally. It’s all fun and games and good times until it’s not.

I also agree with the fact that knowing he can get out of bother if needs be, may actually help him (and the others I suppose), to push their boundaries and do things that they may be otherwise too nervous too, so I don’t think it’s sheltering them from becoming self sufficient, confident humans. In fact my elder kids are very self sufficient and live full and fulfilling lives.

As for the person who wanted him to walk home alone at midnight - just no. I think to allow that really would be bad parenting. And anyway, why would I want to make him walk alone and cold for 15 minutes when God knows who he could have encountered when I could be there in the car, warm and safe in 3?

OP posts:
Joanderic · 14/07/2025 01:50

I would do exactly what you did, no matter the age of the child. If he felt the need to ask, then that is sufficient reason to go and collect him. You are a magnificent parent.

tenderbee · 14/07/2025 01:36

Caerulea · 14/07/2025 01:02

This is absolutely deranged

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I hope you are delivered from whatever you're going through that makes you this vile & poor on the opinions of a total stranger, opinions that you weren't asked for your input to start with.

NavyBee · 14/07/2025 01:21

I was always there for my kids. They need to trust that if they need help you will give it. And what if something distressing had happened and he didn’t feel able to talk/text about it? I well remember going out after midnight to pick up my 19 yo son who had got very drunk, had no money to get home and didn’t know where he was (had gone with some girls from one party to another and then apparently they kicked him out). I had to get him to walk along the street to find a street name. He was incredibly apologetic (and didn’t make a habit of this) but bottom line he needed help. I am sure many of those mumsnetters siding with you will also think I was ridiculously indulgent. But I don’t care. I think it’s what you do.

DiscoBob · 14/07/2025 01:11

Bowies · 14/07/2025 01:03

Ok we agree to completely disagree on this, daytime fine.

OP said it was 16m on foot.

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Yeah that's cool. I think that to come pick kids up every time they ask is teaching them lack of resilience. You went there (a very short journey away) by choice. Either stay there or walk home. At secondary school age you shouldn't treat your mum like a taxi service.

Bowies · 14/07/2025 01:03

DiscoBob · 14/07/2025 00:57

If it was a few streets away and a journey they'd gone before, and they claimed they wanted to go home, yes. Unless something terrible happened they shouldn't leave their friends home so late.

They need to know that they can use their legs but there isn't a taxi service from their parents at whim for five blocks in the middle of the night.

My family and most others I know didn't have a car or money for taxis and no kids died from walking five minutes home so far?

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Ok we agree to completely disagree on this, daytime fine.

OP said it was 16m on foot.

Caerulea · 14/07/2025 01:02

tenderbee · 13/07/2025 18:54

Again, you'll be alright.
I said what I said and I'm standing by it. First off, my children cannot be married to abusive spouses, it's not an option in their realities. Our realities are different, your possibilities are different from mine. Let's get that right.
And again, any child old enough to make marital choices knows how to get out of immediate or imminent danger.
And like I said, I'd be calling their spouse, friends & siblings to get perspectives.

It seems you just want to pick on what is not relevant to the topic. But go ahead and have a great time doing that.

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This is absolutely deranged

Caerulea · 14/07/2025 00:58

Oh this is a no brainer! You get the kid, every time. They need to know you're there for them, not just when it's convenient.

I've only read a few replies (I've no doubt there's been dumbfuckery of the highest order) & all of yours, OP. You're doing some excellent mumming in a difficult time of your (and your kids!) lives. That your son feels safe & unjudged in reaching out when he needs you speaks to that.

So, nice work!

DiscoBob · 14/07/2025 00:57

Bowies · 14/07/2025 00:43

Would you really let a 12 year old walk home alone at midnight?

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If it was a few streets away and a journey they'd gone before, and they claimed they wanted to go home, yes. Unless something terrible happened they shouldn't leave their friends home so late.

They need to know that they can use their legs but there isn't a taxi service from their parents at whim for five blocks in the middle of the night.

My family and most others I know didn't have a car or money for taxis and no kids died from walking five minutes home so far?

Bowies · 14/07/2025 00:43

DiscoBob · 13/07/2025 19:49

A 12 year old should be able to walk five streets home. It's not like many secondary school kids where their mates live a fair bus ride away. He was very close.
Unless he's physically disabled.

It's doing him no favours to always pick him up from things. His peers will be starting to do most things alone during the holidays to an extent. Not having mummy 'rescuing' them from everything.

Would you really let a 12 year old walk home alone at midnight?

Jazzyted · 14/07/2025 00:33

YANBU your child has expressed his desire to come home. You could facilitate it and as such did. We often find in children that there’s “more” to the story than they tell you. I’ve always told mine if you want to come home I will come for you because I want them to trust me. I have been out for both and will continue to do so, IMO you’re an awesome mum with kids who trust you @WhiteWidowWithAttitude