Page 2 | AIBU to feel (a little bit) hacked off by being accused of mollycoddling my child!

PoddleOn · 14/07/2025 11:25

No yanbu, I’d have done the same.
Firstly, I remember having crippling anxiety as a child staying over night somewhere else, it was horrific and I could never inflict that on my own kids.
Secondly, to the people who are saying he’d have gone to sleep or that she should have found out what was going on before picking him up…. whilst it turned out to be something fixable and minor, what if it hadn’t have been?
what if something had happened that he couldn’t have discussed on the phone? Or he’d witnessed something that had disturbed him? Or worse?
Any number of scenarios could have unfolded and I would never take the risk that knowing my child had asked for help and I’d declined.
If my child needs me, regardless of age, I will go to them, that’s not molly coddling, it’s mothering.

Snakebite61 · 14/07/2025 11:17

WhiteWidowWithAttitude · 12/07/2025 15:51

My youngest DC (of four) 12yo, went on a sleepover. He has only been on a couple, which he has enjoyed but has said the next day that he was homesick and missed me and his siblings. Just for some context, his friend’s house is in the same suburb, maybe 5 streets away, approx a 3-4 minute drive.

On the night he was away, I had a few of my girlfriends over for cocktails and food, a couple of whom were staying overnight with me. We had all worked a really long week, so by 11pm, were pretty much in bed and half asleep. I had only had a glass of wine, as was knackered, and we had plans for the morning.

Just before midnight I got a text from 12yo saying “mum, is there any chance you can come and get me please, I want to come home”. I replied that I’d be there in 10 minutes and got up and started putting my boots and coat on to go and grab him. My girlfriend who was sleeping in my bed with me stirred when I was getting ready (in the dark - I didn’t turn on the light or anything), and asked me what I was doing. I replied that X had messaged me to come home and I was just popping out to get him. She then asked “what’s wrong with X, why does he want to come home at this time?” I just said “not sure, im sure I’ll find out soon enough”, and left.

Turned out when I picked up X, it was just a combination of things - his best friend at the sleepover had gone home last minute when their mum had got a message re an unexpected sporting event early in the morning. X was also hungry as hadn’t really liked what was for dinner so hadn’t eaten much, and he was also just homesick.

We were home in 10 minutes, I made him a sandwich, gave him a cuddle, and he was in bed asleep in no time, at which point I crept back into my bed, and slept too. My friend didn’t stir when I got back.

The next morning, when everyone was up, ready, drinking coffee and getting ready for the day, my girlfriend accused me of mollycoddling my child, said I should have either asked him what was wrong and why he wanted to come home, and said that his reasons weren’t a big deal and he could just have waited until the morning, or just have ignored his text and “he’d have fallen asleep and been fine”. I just said that if one of my kids want to come home, then I’m going to get them if I can.

She continued that I was mollycoddling and babying him. My children range in age from 12-21, and I told her that if any of them tell me they want/need to come home, then I trust that they have their reasons and will facilitate it if at all possible. She is adamant that I’m not doing them any favours and should “let them get on with it unless it’s an emergency”.

I know her opinion doesn’t mean I should change how I respond to my children’s needs, and I haven’t and wouldn’t let it affect our friendship, but it has made me feel a bit annoyed by her judgement of my parenting.

Sorry for the essay, but I didn’t want to be slammed for the Mumsnet crime of drip feeding so tried to include everything.

I suppose my question is, was I being unreasonable for how I acted, is this what others would do in the same or similar situation?

Siding with your friend on this one.

JayJayj · 14/07/2025 11:00

I feel really sorry for the children of some of these posters. Imagine not caring enough about you children to be there when they need you.

I am 39 and my mum would come straight away if I needed her. I really hope my daughter feels the same way as she gets older.

LarkspurLane · 14/07/2025 10:54

Alittlewordinyourear · 14/07/2025 08:06

I wouldn’t have said anything but I’m with your friend . He’s 12 not 6 . He should have realised it was not convenient to anybody for you to pick him up at that time of night. It’s not as if he had a good reason - his friend leaving and being hungry makes him sound like a baby and not mature enough for sleepovers.

You really wouldn't have sympathy for a bereaved boy?
Some people on here (and the "friend" of the OP) really need to take a look at themselves.

Missj25 · 14/07/2025 10:54

WhiteWidowWithAttitude · 13/07/2025 11:38

Yeah, sorry but I’m not going to swallow this one. He’s not rude, or childish. He’s a 12yo kid who wasn’t coping on an overnight away from me and his siblings.

Neither his friend(s), not the parents were remotely offended or upset by him going home. They are his friends, they care about his comfort and happiness. They also appear to have more maturity and acceptance than a supposed adult posting on an internet forum about a 12yr old kid.

The other sleepover attendees continued to have a great time, the parents saw him off with a “see you next time champ”, and ruffled his hair, and have already messaged me to check he is ok. He’s been chatting away with his mates on their game platform since, arranging to catch up for a skate. No one has been harmed, no friendships lost or ruined. Please take your nastiness about a slightly insecure kid somewhere else.

Show quote history

Levampire , Only last week we crossed paths on a thread , well you’re still the same anyway , the sun didn’t do you any good , you’re still giving out & being unreasonable I see ..( you need to work on your people skills ) …

This boy is 12 , no , not 5 , but a child nonetheless , who has recently lost his father & OP her husband , maybe you should be kinder when offering your opinion , would you agree with me on that one ?…

How was OPS son rude , selfish , immature???
He’s 12 , a kid !! , 12 is not the new 22 , & with regard to being rude to his friend , in my house anyway, my lads would never , ever have feelings of being insulted if their friend wanted to be picked up to go home , they’d completely get it , as I’ve feeling my children are very similar to OPS , good kids who would do the exact same thing , message me if they wanted to come home & I’d go get them , no big deal at all , that’s the way it should be !!..

tenderbee · 14/07/2025 10:53

Beesandhoney123 · 14/07/2025 03:06

I would have done the same for my dc. Your friend had had a few too many perhaps. She sounds terrifyingly strident and bossy.

I have a very close friend like yours op, although ive never shared a bed with her- and she took it upon herself to comment on my inability to leave my baby to scream all night. I just said ' don't worry, you'll never be asked to babysit "

Interestingly, the health visitor also informed me I should always put baby in bed at 7pm and ignore til 7am, despite bf and ignore his crying and presumably my leaking boobs:) ignored her as well.

friend often hands me out unwanted advice. I listen and ignore. My grown dc are not molly coddled, and are independent young people. They also know I would be there in a heartbeat if they needed me - they laugh at me now- and offer the same back to.me.

Edited

How mean can people be? Let a baby cry it out? In the name of sleep training?
Oh well, i get lots of terrifying advice about "sleep training" it's just that no one has the spine to tell me to do that to a baby. But I've been advised severally to just let my toddler cry it out & stop sneaking into my bed at nights, so they can be independent.
Why should a toddler be independent? They're meant to need us, they're at the age, I won't sleep well knowing my toddler is crying themselves to bed just because I won't let them sneak into my bed at nights.

To each its own though.

Americano75 · 14/07/2025 10:43

NeedAnyHelpWithThatPaperBag · 13/07/2025 18:48

He does need to be prepared for a world that won't prioritise his wishes.

I think it's safe to say that this particular 12 year old child will have realised that already, having lost his father.

tenderbee · 14/07/2025 10:41

Lactofull · 14/07/2025 06:46

And it just keep getting more bizarre!!

Show quote history

I hope you're also delivered as well from situations and relationships that has tormented you so much to be this vile and unreasonable on the opinions of a stranger that your input was not asked for, or did I ask for your input or how you feel about my opinions?? Your feelings about my opinions are irrelevant, they're your cup of tea, enjoy it in your house.
Just like everyone else I gave my opinions about now & when my kids get married, but you're losing your peace (if you had any to start with) & sleep over my views & how I choose to parent my kids.

If your 30+, 40+ married kids ring you out of the blues to come home, wear your hero cape, get a bus & go straight to their house to fetch them with their belongings "just because" without any explanations. Good for you.

As for me, if my 30+, 40+ or any age married kids reach out to me to come home out of the blues, I will not be rushing without finding out what happened first. And save the "abusive partners" sob story for yourself & your kids. It's not a possibility in my reality, and if they were in danger of any kind they will definitely know how to save themselves first in that phase of life.
If I'm in danger of any kind at this age & phase of life, I'm calling my mum after removing myself from the situation, I'm not expecting her to come and rescue me at this age. I'll be calling her for emotional support, not physical rescuing.

Again, I wish you lots of peace & healing, it's obvious you're lacking some.

okydokethen · 14/07/2025 10:34

I would have done exactly the same thing.

T1Dmama · 14/07/2025 10:28

Personally I think it’s more important that your children feel secure and know that they can trust you to collect them from a situation where they’re not 100% happy!…
The impact
of you ignoring his text or saying you won’t collect him could just make him decline sleepover invites in future!
My response to your friends rude judgements would’ve been something along the lines of ‘oh well, that’s your opinion!’…. Or even ‘Thanks for your opinion but I didn’t ask for it!!’… or ‘ah well they’re only kids once!’….
My DD has done sleepovers & both stayed all night and been collected early.. like you say, if they want to come home early they should be allowed to. I’m 48 & if I was away but wanted to return home early I would!!

Missj25 · 14/07/2025 10:14

DiscoBob · 14/07/2025 00:57

If it was a few streets away and a journey they'd gone before, and they claimed they wanted to go home, yes. Unless something terrible happened they shouldn't leave their friends home so late.

They need to know that they can use their legs but there isn't a taxi service from their parents at whim for five blocks in the middle of the night.

My family and most others I know didn't have a car or money for taxis and no kids died from walking five minutes home so far?

Show quote history

You’re talking about back in the day !
We’re not back in the day , It is not safe to walk 5 blocks at 12 at night , are you crazy !!!!
He’s 12 years old for God’s sake ..
You could bump into anyone, it’s not that I have this negative attitude, always presuming the worst , it’s about not being careless & minding our children ….

Original poster

WhiteWidowWithAttitude · 14/07/2025 10:12

Mcoco · 14/07/2025 07:50

So glad you realise you made the correct decision.

I also want to thank you for posting this. My 21 year old son went out last night and before he left I reminded him that if he ever needs me I will come out and collect him. No questions asked I will always be there for him. I presumed he knew this anyway which he said he did! but your post made me think a lot and I needed to clarify this with him.

You are a great mum to all your kids no matter their ages we need to be there for them.

Show quote history

You sound like a great mum. Whether 12 or 21, for them to know that we will have their backs, is I believe, invaluable.

OP posts:

Original poster

WhiteWidowWithAttitude · 14/07/2025 10:08

Julimia · 14/07/2025 08:26

Good I'm glad you didn't. Very easy to jump in car and not think about that. Got plenty of empathy for all children but what happens next time a sleepover, a school trip etc crops up?

As I’ve said a few times, my children only have me. If they’re on a residential or an overnight somewhere that isn’t within easy walking distance for me, then I just don’t drink or make myself unavailable.

If I had happened to have more than just the one drink that night, I would never have just “jumped in the car”, I’d have walked the 15 minutes it would have taken to collect him, or in a true medical emergency, one of my colleagues would have been with him before I could even get there.

When you don’t have dad, or gran and grampa, or aunties etc to rely on, you have to think very carefully before letting your hair down and consider all the alternatives, despite how unlikely they may be.

OP posts:

Lockdownsceptic · 14/07/2025 10:03

While I agree that children of whatever age should be confident that their parents will be there for them when needed I think in this particular case I would probably have asked more questions of my child before jumping into the car. And possibly have spoken to the Mum who was giving the sleep over. Was it not possible to simply reassure him and promise to be there first thing in the morning?

NeedAnyHelpWithThatPaperBag · 14/07/2025 09:17

@AuntyHistamine @Lactofull In my defence, if the OP had mentioned the tragic loss of her sons father in the original post, I wouldn't have said what I did, as I doubt would many others.

troppibambini6 · 14/07/2025 09:09

If any my children want to come home at anytime I will go and get them. They need to know they can rely on you. It’s not mollycoddling at all.

Lactofull · 14/07/2025 08:30

Julimia · 14/07/2025 08:26

Good I'm glad you didn't. Very easy to jump in car and not think about that. Got plenty of empathy for all children but what happens next time a sleepover, a school trip etc crops up?

Um…,

Raining12345 · 14/07/2025 08:29

I have a twelve year old boy and he has had countless sleepovers, however one night he contacted me to say he wanted to come home. I went and collected him. He has slept over there before but this time he just wanted home. Similarly the same friend has stayed at ours many times but one night felt that he wanted to go home - which he did. No hard feelings from either side. As a parent I don't generally expect to sleep much when there's a sleepover happening! They've slept over at each other's since then with no bother. I've actually had discussions with many friends of kids of a similar age recently and a common trait seems to be that sometimes the kids are brimming with confidence and don't give their parents a second thought, other times they need home and the security that brings. In my case I'm 100% certain that my child was safe where he was and that nothing untoward was happening but was also 100% certain that he was coming home when he wanted to. He hasn't lost a parent, or anyone else close to him, and has had no major upheaval in his life but he knows that we're there for him when he needs us. My kids will grow their backbone because of us, not despite us.

Julimia · 14/07/2025 08:26

Good I'm glad you didn't. Very easy to jump in car and not think about that. Got plenty of empathy for all children but what happens next time a sleepover, a school trip etc crops up?

Bloozie · 14/07/2025 08:24

I'd pick my son up from anywhere at any time if he needed me. Same with my husband. They'd all do the same for me. Knowing we can rely on each other is foundational, and more important when they're kids, not less.

I also got accused of mollycoddling my son, mostly by my mother. He is now the most independent of all the grandkids, is 17 with 3 part-time jobs, a bus pass, a young person's train card and a savings pot for his first lads holiday. I'm feeling fine about my parenting choices.

SmellsLikeTippex · 14/07/2025 08:14

ThePhantomoftheEcobubbleOpera · 12/07/2025 16:51

But this was your decision. You don't have to play audience to her critical opinions of you. Tell her that you have heard enough and she's welcome to leave if she can't put a sock in it.

Exactly. Just say ‘Zip it, Sarah’, and move on.

Alittlewordinyourear · 14/07/2025 08:06

I wouldn’t have said anything but I’m with your friend . He’s 12 not 6 . He should have realised it was not convenient to anybody for you to pick him up at that time of night. It’s not as if he had a good reason - his friend leaving and being hungry makes him sound like a baby and not mature enough for sleepovers.

usedtobeaylis · 14/07/2025 07:59

Why do people think a prerequisite of resilience is making a 12 year old child stay away from home when he just wants to be back where he feels happy and secure? That is shitty treatment.

He's more likely to develop resilience knowing his mum has got his back when he's having a tough time.

tommyhoundmum · 14/07/2025 07:56

Lactofull · 13/07/2025 18:35

What did we do before……

is an expression I am determined to never spout at younger generations

Show quote history

and I have never said "when I was your age".

Mcoco · 14/07/2025 07:50

WhiteWidowWithAttitude · 14/07/2025 02:12

Thank you again for all the overwhelming support in my decision to pick him up. I said at the start I think, that he has been on a couple of sleepovers before, and despite expressing the next day that although he’d had fun, he felt a bit homesick, he never called to come home from any of those. Which tells me that the fact that he did text from this one, and at midnight, meant that he really did want to come home. He knew I had friends over, he wouldn’t have wanted to disturb my night, he’s a bloody good, caring and considerate child. (Not a wet lettuce or any of the other disgusting things that have been said about a 12yr old boy). So I picked him up. No questions asked. And I’ve made peace with the fact that that was absolutely the correct decision and I’d do it again in a heartbeat.

As I also said, I’ve gone out in the middle of the night for one of my older ones, whose position was 100% of their own making, however, my kids know that I’ll help first and ask questions later. Why the hell would I want my kids to refrain from seeking help from me in case I get mad angry with them, or worse, refuse because “you got your self into it, you can get yourself out of it!”? That is exactly how you might end up with a dead kid, asking yourself “but how did this happen?”

I know that might sound dramatic, but I have seen how life can turn in an instant - both personally and professionally. It’s all fun and games and good times until it’s not.

I also agree with the fact that knowing he can get out of bother if needs be, may actually help him (and the others I suppose), to push their boundaries and do things that they may be otherwise too nervous too, so I don’t think it’s sheltering them from becoming self sufficient, confident humans. In fact my elder kids are very self sufficient and live full and fulfilling lives.

As for the person who wanted him to walk home alone at midnight - just no. I think to allow that really would be bad parenting. And anyway, why would I want to make him walk alone and cold for 15 minutes when God knows who he could have encountered when I could be there in the car, warm and safe in 3?

So glad you realise you made the correct decision.

I also want to thank you for posting this. My 21 year old son went out last night and before he left I reminded him that if he ever needs me I will come out and collect him. No questions asked I will always be there for him. I presumed he knew this anyway which he said he did! but your post made me think a lot and I needed to clarify this with him.

You are a great mum to all your kids no matter their ages we need to be there for them.