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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to feel (a little bit) hacked off by being accused of mollycoddling my child!

517 replies

WhiteWidowWithAttitude · 12/07/2025 15:51

My youngest DC (of four) 12yo, went on a sleepover. He has only been on a couple, which he has enjoyed but has said the next day that he was homesick and missed me and his siblings. Just for some context, his friend’s house is in the same suburb, maybe 5 streets away, approx a 3-4 minute drive.

On the night he was away, I had a few of my girlfriends over for cocktails and food, a couple of whom were staying overnight with me. We had all worked a really long week, so by 11pm, were pretty much in bed and half asleep. I had only had a glass of wine, as was knackered, and we had plans for the morning.

Just before midnight I got a text from 12yo saying “mum, is there any chance you can come and get me please, I want to come home”. I replied that I’d be there in 10 minutes and got up and started putting my boots and coat on to go and grab him. My girlfriend who was sleeping in my bed with me stirred when I was getting ready (in the dark - I didn’t turn on the light or anything), and asked me what I was doing. I replied that X had messaged me to come home and I was just popping out to get him. She then asked “what’s wrong with X, why does he want to come home at this time?” I just said “not sure, im sure I’ll find out soon enough”, and left.

Turned out when I picked up X, it was just a combination of things - his best friend at the sleepover had gone home last minute when their mum had got a message re an unexpected sporting event early in the morning. X was also hungry as hadn’t really liked what was for dinner so hadn’t eaten much, and he was also just homesick.

We were home in 10 minutes, I made him a sandwich, gave him a cuddle, and he was in bed asleep in no time, at which point I crept back into my bed, and slept too. My friend didn’t stir when I got back.

The next morning, when everyone was up, ready, drinking coffee and getting ready for the day, my girlfriend accused me of mollycoddling my child, said I should have either asked him what was wrong and why he wanted to come home, and said that his reasons weren’t a big deal and he could just have waited until the morning, or just have ignored his text and “he’d have fallen asleep and been fine”. I just said that if one of my kids want to come home, then I’m going to get them if I can.

She continued that I was mollycoddling and babying him. My children range in age from 12-21, and I told her that if any of them tell me they want/need to come home, then I trust that they have their reasons and will facilitate it if at all possible. She is adamant that I’m not doing them any favours and should “let them get on with it unless it’s an emergency”.

I know her opinion doesn’t mean I should change how I respond to my children’s needs, and I haven’t and wouldn’t let it affect our friendship, but it has made me feel a bit annoyed by her judgement of my parenting.

Sorry for the essay, but I didn’t want to be slammed for the Mumsnet crime of drip feeding so tried to include everything.

I suppose my question is, was I being unreasonable for how I acted, is this what others would do in the same or similar situation?

OP posts:
Original poster
WhiteWidowWithAttitude · 13/07/2025 10:32

Romeiswheretheheartis · 13/07/2025 10:05

I'm amazed at the posters saying what would he have done if you'd been drinking and couldn't go and get him. Whenever my dd was on a sleepover I never drank, or went anywhere too far from home, just incase she needed me to go and get her - it could have been a serious emergency, or just feeling uncomfortable, but I'd never have wanted to be in a position that I couldn't have got to her if that's what she needed.

I’d never not be fit to collect my kids from a sleepover - even if that meant walking to get them. I wouldn’t ever be in a position that I was unable to drive if I wasn’t in walking distance from them (and by that, I mean 15 min max as he was that night, actually, I could have ran it in more like 9-10 if the situation required or I was trying to keep warm like I would have been that night ha).

I’m not an angel, but I’m a bloody responsible parent and person. It was much easier when my husband was alive - one of us could be ‘on’, and the other have a night off. But it’s just me now.

OP posts:
Romeiswheretheheartis · 13/07/2025 10:05

I'm amazed at the posters saying what would he have done if you'd been drinking and couldn't go and get him. Whenever my dd was on a sleepover I never drank, or went anywhere too far from home, just incase she needed me to go and get her - it could have been a serious emergency, or just feeling uncomfortable, but I'd never have wanted to be in a position that I couldn't have got to her if that's what she needed.

Zanatdy · 13/07/2025 10:03

I’d have done the same and collected my DC if they’d asked. Especially since your DC recently lost their father, home is their safe place and it he wanted to come home, i’d have got him too.

Lactofull · 13/07/2025 09:55

Oh op I’m sorry, so sorry.

Friends shouldn’t leave you feeling shit. Just hold on to that mantra

Original poster
WhiteWidowWithAttitude · 13/07/2025 09:53

Lactofull · 13/07/2025 09:44

I’m not saying you got drunk!!!

im saying that if I went to the friends house of my recently widowed bestie, and all she had was a glass of wine… I would not get pissed.

Nor would I be “adament” that my recently widowed friend was mollycoddling her tween who’s just lost his father. And to think she had the audacity to do this in your home.

and for the other two friends to simper away as she said all this.

awful

Show quote history

No sorry, you misunderstood - I wasn’t saying you suggested I got drunk - I was saying that other than not have cocktails (I.e. getting drunk), I still joined in with all the other fun, and had a lovely night with my girlfriends. They weren’t falling about drunk either, just merry and certainly not fit to get behind a wheel that night.

I don’t think I even consciously chose to stop at one glass because X was out, because realistically I could have walked there and back for him in 30min, but maybe subconsciously I did. It honestly didn’t really bother me so I had one and moved onto mocktails as wasn’t feeling like more alcohol.

I accept all your other points though. I’m just not sure where it leaves me. If I don’t have them, then I honestly don’t have anyone!

OP posts:
Lactofull · 13/07/2025 09:44

WhiteWidowWithAttitude · 13/07/2025 09:32

I don’t really know what else to say, I had a glass of wine, plenty of good food, some mocktails and a great laugh. I just didn’t get drunk. Maybe I do have really garbage friends, but all I know is that I probably wouldn’t still be here today posting this if it weren’t for them. I don’t have family. My work/colleagues/friends (one and the same), are my family. (When you work for an emergency service, your colleagues eventually become your friends, your confidants, your network, even more so if you have no family support, which my husband was).

Show quote history

I’m not saying you got drunk!!!

im saying that if I went to the friends house of my recently widowed bestie, and all she had was a glass of wine… I would not get pissed.

Nor would I be “adament” that my recently widowed friend was mollycoddling her tween who’s just lost his father. And to think she had the audacity to do this in your home.

and for the other two friends to simper away as she said all this.

awful

Themagicfarawaytreeismyfav · 13/07/2025 09:36

What exactly does it have to do with her? She needs to mind her own business! I absolutely would have done the same op…the poor kid obviously doesn’t want to be there and its not a big deal for you to go get them. Being there for your kids when they need you helps to raise secure happy adults.

Original poster
WhiteWidowWithAttitude · 13/07/2025 09:32

Lactofull · 13/07/2025 09:25

Again

no way would I have got pissed at my just widowed friend’s house, when all she’d having is a small glass of wine

so much about this friendship group is… unpleasant

I don’t really know what else to say, I had a glass of wine, plenty of good food, some mocktails and a great laugh. I just didn’t get drunk. Maybe I do have really garbage friends, but all I know is that I probably wouldn’t still be here today posting this if it weren’t for them. I don’t have family. My work/colleagues/friends (one and the same), are my family. (When you work for an emergency service, your colleagues eventually become your friends, your confidants, your network, even more so if you have no family support, which my husband was).

OP posts:
Lactofull · 13/07/2025 09:25

Again

no way would I have got pissed at my just widowed friend’s house, when all she’d having is a small glass of wine

so much about this friendship group is… unpleasant

aredcar · 13/07/2025 09:24

Roomwithaview2019 · 13/07/2025 08:50

There's always one who needs to turn a lovely post into BS . Did you have nothing better to do?

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It’s not wrong though. If your child kept saying yes to sleepovers and then kept phoning home to leave then it is quite unfair on the host child and quite rude if you know it’s likely to happen. Even kids are aware that their friends would be upset if you keep leaving them after they invited you. Not this poster, but most kids, if it was happening over and over again. And most parents

Original poster
WhiteWidowWithAttitude · 13/07/2025 09:19

Lactofull · 13/07/2025 09:10

If I’d have been your friend, and I’d been sharing a bed with my recently widowed friend, and when I heard she was getting out of bed to go and pick up her son… I’d have said “why don’t I go and just rest up”

and I know my friends would have done bessme

To be fair to her (and only in this particular sense), she and all the others had had cocktails a plenty and none would have been fit or safe to drive. We had only been in bed/asleep for about an hour.

In the past, she has gone to the ends of the earth for me practically when I’ve been on my knees. Took time off work (we work together and work knew what was going on so gave her the go ahead), has driven to be with me in the early hours. Sat for literally days in a cold ICU waiting room forcing me to eat and drink when I didn’t know which way was up, and this is only a snippet of the things she has done for me. I think this is why I’m so keen to give her a bit of leeway in this situation, however as I said, I’m not going to let it go completely, and will have a chat with her about it.

I do appreciate your concern for me though. Flowers

OP posts:
Lactofull · 13/07/2025 09:10

If I’d have been your friend, and I’d been sharing a bed with my recently widowed friend, and when I heard she was getting out of bed to go and pick up her son… I’d have said “why don’t I go and just rest up”

and I know my friends would have done bessme

W0tnow · 13/07/2025 09:09

I just think it’s one of those parenting situations where one perfectly normal and loving parent might have said “darling, it’s late, I really th8nk you should go to sleep and I’ll be there first thing”, and another perfectly normal loving parent might have said “ok I’ll be there in 10”.

There is no reason to have a debate (so I think your friend should have kept her thoughts to herself), and nor is there a reason to distance yourself or let it affect the friendship. You’re ok with your parenting decisions. You don’t need anyone else to be.

CarrotyO · 13/07/2025 09:08

WhiteWidowWithAttitude · 12/07/2025 17:33

@Catherine3436 @Barrenfieldoffucks @Lookuptotheskies - I think what you have all said is exactly what I’m trying to instill in my kids (and hopefully what I have done so far) - if I show them that I’ll show up for them no matter how small (or if it’s of their own doing, or “irrelevant” in the small scheme of things), then when it comes to the big things, they can call on me no matter what, and ill be there. That doesn’t mean they can call me every Saturday at 03:00 because there are no Ubers and treat me like a cab, but they know that if they feel they need me, then I’ll be there, and that starts with midnight calls at 12yo from sleepovers that they don’t want to be at any more.

I’m honestly now feeling that I wasn’t being U in how I reacted to my son’s situation, more questioning whether my girlfriend was being U in how she reacted/judged me in the situation. Regardless, she is still a close friend who I don’t want to lose over it.

You sound like a fantastic mum. I think you should explain this to your friend as you have experience with your approach working well and she could learn from you. Yes she's been outspoken in terms of how she perceives your actions, but you can equally be outspoken back to her. Speaking honestly to each other is how we progress our own ideas as well as our relationships.

Lactofull · 13/07/2025 09:08

WhiteWidowWithAttitude · 13/07/2025 09:05

There were only 2 other friends there by that point (the others had gone by then). There were some mumblings of “it’s not like she asked you to go for him haha” sort of thing, but no one told her to shut up or said very much really, hence me wondering if I was feeling overly sensitive about it. I realise now that I wasn’t and my other friends either felt a bit awkward, or are just used to her being quite forthcoming at times.

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She sounds ghastly
friends sound spineless

they were in your home have stayed over. In your home.
you’d provided a cocktail night the previous night
and…. You are a recent widow and your tween has lost his father

the more you write about these “friends”
the more alien and awful it sounds

Original poster
WhiteWidowWithAttitude · 13/07/2025 09:05

Lactofull · 13/07/2025 08:57

She said all this in front of your other friends that had stayed over?

Did no one interject and basically tell her to STFUP?

There were only 2 other friends there by that point (the others had gone by then). There were some mumblings of “it’s not like she asked you to go for him haha” sort of thing, but no one told her to shut up or said very much really, hence me wondering if I was feeling overly sensitive about it. I realise now that I wasn’t and my other friends either felt a bit awkward, or are just used to her being quite forthcoming at times.

OP posts:
caringcarer · 13/07/2025 09:02

WingBingo · 12/07/2025 16:19

I would have thought the same as your friend but I wouldn’t have said anything

This.

Autumn38 · 13/07/2025 08:58

You are 100% in the right. Your child should be safe in the knowledge that they can just say ‘come and get me’ and you’ll arrive promptly. I actually think that is about safeguarding to be honest.

Lactofull · 13/07/2025 08:57

She said all this in front of your other friends that had stayed over?

Did no one interject and basically tell her to STFUP?

Lactofull · 13/07/2025 08:56

WhiteWidowWithAttitude · 13/07/2025 06:58

I can see exactly what you’re saying. And I can see why people might think she’s not a great person. It’s hard because I think I’ve always viewed her as just being honest and outspoken. You know, telling me things for my own good type of thing, because we are close and she feels she can say it. It’s harder now, because I was left feeling properly criticised, but my support network isn’t that big, especially now that I am alone with the kids. It’s hard to consider losing one of my biggest supporters (or so I thought).

Show quote history

Op if this person is one of your “biggest supporter” then I am concerned.

Because the very idea of saying to a very close what she did to you after what you and your children have just experienced…. (Having just shared a bed with you fgs)… is utterly unfathomable to me

Eastereggmadness · 13/07/2025 08:52

You absolutely did the right thing to collect your son. He now knows you'll get him and have his back if needed anytime. Another time it might be a more serious reason he needs to leave somewhere and he will know he can ask you.

Also contrary to what some others have said about resilience. Knowing that he can leave if he wants to will more likely give him the confidence to try new things, push himself knowing he has a safety net if needed.

Original poster
WhiteWidowWithAttitude · 13/07/2025 08:52

I’m glad to hear that there are other parents out there who have the same opinion as me when it comes to their kids asking for help. I didn’t feel the need to question him on what was wrong, because I trusted that if it was enough for him to want to come home at midnight, then it was enough for me to want to go get him. I don’t honestly feel I was being U in that aspect of it, and I’d do it again. It’s not like he would ever wake me to tell me he’d forgotten his switch! He would know that would be silly and not something I would schlep out in my pjs in the late hours for.

My actual question was whether I was being U in being a bit annoyed by my friends accusation of me mollycoddling him. Seems by some people’s responses I should have maybe been more annoyed than I was.

Thank you for everyone’s advice with regards her, and I will take it on board. It’s true that I’ve maybe let some things go because of my limited support and despite the fact that I’m not going to bin the friendship over this, I won’t let it continue, and will have a word with her about not being so opinionated about my parenting.

OP posts:
twobabiesandapup · 13/07/2025 08:51

If I got a text like that from my children in that scenario I would 100% have gone and picked them up. Thinking worst case scenario, anything could have happened, maybe it wasn’t something sinister, but in some cases it might be - why would anyone ever take the risk?! If someone or something had made the child uncomfortable they’re unlikely to tell you over a text, I would never leave them in that situation until the morning.

YANBU!

Roomwithaview2019 · 13/07/2025 08:50

pharmer · 13/07/2025 04:39

Not just a pita for your dad. Did you not consider that continually accepting sleepover requests and then going home every time must have been very disappointing for the host child and kind of rude?

Edited
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There's always one who needs to turn a lovely post into BS . Did you have nothing better to do?

RobEmily · 13/07/2025 08:42

PopeJoan2 · 13/07/2025 07:25

Great post. Yes, what to us seems like nothing can be a big deal for a child. Some people are incapable of understand d thst because they can only see things from their own point of view.

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Completely agree. I find it concerning that so many people would leave a child as young as 12 without help when they’re asking for it. There are hundreds of reasons they might want out of a situation and I wouldn’t need my children to explain them to me.