DH says I’m not fun anymore

I am mother to a 3 year old. I am not fun. I’m just not. I’m fucking exhausted. But so is my husband.

Sulking that you aren’t fun anymore is really cruel…but also you probably aren’t fun anymore, but it’s temporary.

I’d tell him exactly what “being more fun” would look like for him and how he sees that being achieved. No you can’t just randomly decided to go to Paris at the weekend, but you can plan to go to a gig next month.

What a tosser! Keep calm and carry on OP. Just decentralise him from your life…and do what works best for you.

It would be more understandable if he put the blame on parenthood in general rather than on you alone.

I have nothing kind to say about this man OP.

ExDP said this to me too when DC2 was about 10 days old. I realized later he was a narcissistic abuser. The abuse started when DC1 was 8 weeks old. He didn't like not being the centre of attention.

I agree with @Rainbowqueeen, ask him what his suggestions are. If he says things like going to gigs, ask him how he’ll make that possible, I.e., what are the childcare arrangements?

You weren’t put on this planet to entertain him. If he wants you both to have more fun, he needs to come up with the ideas and make them possible.

Why are so many men man babies and utter bastards?

You should have replied with "I feel the same way about you".
He's a fool. What did he think life would be like raising a child, the first two year's are a busy time, when most adults have the sense to understand that young children come first, routine.

Thank you. This is exactly what I meant.

Because the OP is also working three days and providing toddler childcare the other two days of the standard working week. She isn’t sitting at home filing her fingernails. There is no reason why he shouldn’t pull his weight at home during evenings, nights and weekends. ,waits to be told about the magical naps toddlers have and that it only takes five minutes to clean, cook and launder for a family of 89>.

The question is only - do they get equal leisure time and access to decent sleep?

This is the giveaway in most of these threads:

*We just can’t spontaneously go to gigs/weekends away/meet friends like we used to (obviously) and I think he’s struggled to adapt to that"

Another man failing to grow up and recognise that he is no longer young, free and single but is now an adult, a parent and has responsibilities.

How much fun is he op?

I think his eye has wandered and he’s busy rewriting history and casting you in the role of ‘unreasonable wife’ to justify whatever may come next.

Why should he do half of everything? He’s doing much more than half the household’s paid work.

The baby/toddler years are tough. If his reaction is not trying to find ways to take the pressure off you, but instead accusing you of not being fun while you’re slaving away raising his child and holding the household together, then it’s very much him that’s the problem.

Did he want children ?

Sorry; but another man running away from his responsibilities

He has had his head turned by someone else

He is looking to leave

How are things today @Newmum288

Tbh exact same here. The resentment, the 'no fun anymore' comments, the lack of empathy. Ds was just coming up on a year when I found out there was another woman. I snooped on his phone looking to reassure myself because I knew something was off with him but I thought I was just being paranoid.

I think, anyone sensible knows that when you have kids life takes on a different intensity than before, and even if you didn't expect it, it's generally quite easy to figure out that's what's happening. It sounds op like you're stuck with a lot of the dredgery with the workload balance. Obviously, noone is saying that your child is a chore - but it can be both wonderful and highly draining looking after a toddler . And the bulk of your work is keeping your household running which isn't sociable and is very repetitive. Being in work is by nature sociable, mentally stimulating, and can be more varied. So I know I quickly started to feel a bit more 'boring' when I was in the house most days and doing all the household stuff compared to how I felt when I was out at work. Because when you're at home you're in mum mode, when you're at work you're still yourself if that makes sense. The split in that respect is uneven.

Do you have hobbies? How often do you get to go and see your friends and be YOU outside of mum/wife and do the things you find fun?

I think he needs to man up here. The early years are tough and you need to be in the trenches together. I think you need to have a further conversation to establish exactly which of his needs he feels isn't being fulfilled right now and what in capacity. I think he also needs to explain what he thinks would address the issue in a way that will work for both of you. And I'd encourage you to use the opportunity to think about how well your needs are being met by him right now. Because it sounds like he's falling short in quite a few ways.

Coming to you and saying you're not as fun is actuallt very unfair. Coming to you and saying x I'm worried about your wellbeing/stress levels or saying x I think we need to have more time together and as individuals so let's plan babysitting and how we can use it or just doing something romantic and investing in his wife would all be supportive, empathetic ways to deal with the same issue. What he's done, is make it your issue to sort out without taking any responsibility as the other half of the team@.

How did this all end up playing out? Could be useful to OP if there is an affair in the making. I can’t imagine that many men tell their partner that they are not fun unless there is another woman in the wings.

Someone at work is telling him he deserves someone better than you.

I had this with my husband and it turned out he had met someone at work who he found much more fun, who didn't have kids, and who flattered his ego. He didn't end up having an affair but his head was definitely turned and it did result in him saying similar things that your husband has said to you whilst he experienced the crush.

I don't think it's unusual to not find your partner as fun when raising a young child. Not having any empathy for a partner isn't normal though or feeling like your partner resents you.

He works FT and naturally this means I pick up more of the childcare, mental load, housework.

No, he should do half of everything.
Who gets up at night with your child?
Who does bedtime?

You're working really hard, too, looking after a toddler. He gets plenty of time off from that relentlessness while he's at work.

I bet you enjoy your days at work, away from the toddler for a few hours. It's restful.

Yes.

Cherchez la femme, @Newmum288

I mean, being parents to an almost 2 year old is not “fun”. It’s really not. Most people don’t have a baby expecting their marriage to get happier and more fun. It’s hard work and testing.

As they get older, it gets easier and you get time and energy for each other again, but definitely not by 2. No one can be fun when life is work, dinner, bath, bedtime, collapse. Dh and I used to set aside Friday and Saturday evenings to stay up an hour later to actually see each other, but that came at a real price of giving up much needed sleep and sometimes it was just too much.

I do think it’s worth pursuing what you need to do to stay connected with each other. It’s not about fun, it’s about connection. We never get to have a meal alone together. Heck, we are running around being taxis so much now that several days a week we don’t even see each other at dinner. So a few times a year, we plan a lunch date out while dc are in school. It means we can actually sit and talk and think about the future and talk properly.

But you go through periods of life when things just aren’t fun. I have cancer at the moment. Sex is completely off the table. Not physically possible and hasn’t been for some time. No late nights because I’m in bed before dc are. In a long relationship, you have to weather these storms when all you can do is just kinda hang on. It’s not fun. You are just getting through. But it won’t always be like this and it can be fun again if you stay connected through the tough bits.