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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at my friend ordering food for me?

240 replies

Imdunfer · 12/07/2025 09:12

First occasion we agreed to meet friends at a restaurant and we turned up bang on time, to find that the husband had already ordered garlic pizza as a starter and expected us all to share it and not order starters of our own.

I particularly wanted a starter that's unique to that restaurant, and had been looking forward to it all day, and had to really stick to my guns as the husband tried to bully me into sharing the starter I didn't want.

I thought it was the husband and when we met without him there I asked what was going on with "Fred" ordering for us and she said it was just him. But it happened again recently so I'm not so sure.

Second occasion I was 10 minutes late to lunch with the wife but had texted ahead to apologise. This was the first time I have ever been late meeting her in 25 years. She had already ordered what I usually, but not always, eat and drink. It was 12.40, I hadn't made her desperately late getting lunch and she's not diabetic or anything else that would need her to eat at a particular time to within 10 minutes.

In both situations, the bill is split with each pair/ person paying half.

AIBU to be a bit annoyed? Is this some kind of weird power play, or what?
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OP posts:
Original poster
Imdunfer · 13/07/2025 21:53

GiveDogBone · 13/07/2025 19:25

I mean yes it’s weird, but I can’t say I’d lose sleep over it. Having said that, I do think I’ve ever spent the whole day looking forward to a starter.

It's unique to the entire area, I've never seen it anywhere else, and it's not a place I get to go to very often. I enjoy the anticipation.

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OP posts:
Original poster
Imdunfer · 13/07/2025 21:51

AJLOAL · 13/07/2025 21:20

Of course it's bloody relevant!

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Not to the question I asked, and it was my question. If I say your desire to know her character foibles is not relevant to my question, then it's not relevant to my question.

Is Mumsnet always this aggressive?
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OP posts:
AJLOAL · 13/07/2025 21:20

Imdunfer · 12/07/2025 14:53

Again not really relevant to the question. I'm not about to start discussing a good friend's presided foibles on mumsnet, we've all got some.
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Show quote history

Of course it's bloody relevant!

Sennelier1 · 13/07/2025 21:05

Do you still feel comfortable going to each others houses for a meal together? We have once had a bad experience with a person (and his wife) who was invited by friends to go to a restaurant together. Nor we, nor our friends ever invited that person again.

pineapplesundae · 13/07/2025 20:46

In her mind she’s being helpful and thoughtful. Just tell her please don’t order food for me. Sometimes I like to try different things. If however you always order the same thing why is there a problem?

Buffs · 13/07/2025 19:46

GoneGirl12345 · 12/07/2025 09:28

In the 1st example, I don't understand why it was a big deal. I would have just said "garlic pizza bread sounds good, I'll try a bit and I'm also going to order the bruschetta as I really fancy that".

Why was it such a fuss?

Second example, if I really didn't want whatever she ordered for me, I'd have asked the waiter to cancel it and ordered what I wanted.

And yeah, just say, no need to order for me, thanks.

This.

fetchacloth · 13/07/2025 19:32

I really wouldn't like that arrangement.

GiveDogBone · 13/07/2025 19:25

I mean yes it’s weird, but I can’t say I’d lose sleep over it. Having said that, I do think I’ve ever spent the whole day looking forward to a starter.

Whatinthedoopla · 13/07/2025 19:22

It is weird, but next time just say your going to be late, you will order when you get there. Problem solved

BeddysMum · 13/07/2025 18:57

That's very weird behaviour for your friend and her hubby. I've never heard of anybody ever ordering food for somebody else unless that was pre-agreed.

Sometimes my friends can be late for a meal out, but neither I, nor my other friends, would ever order for them unless they specifically asked us to!

What they did is just weird. And to try to force you to pay for garlic bread that you didn't want or order is some nasty, controlling behaviour.

Sounds like you need to set some boundaries with this couple re eating out.

Are there any other areas of the friendship where she and hubby try to railroad you?

Lactofull · 13/07/2025 18:46

ensayers · 13/07/2025 18:44

Similar thing happened to me last night. 5 of us went out for dinner and one decided that we should all have cheesy garlic bread and put them in the middle of the table.
I chipped in with, well i'm having caprese salad, the dirty look that she gave me was ridiculous, followed by "well you can have whatever you want" in her sarcastic tone.
Me going against the plan, just opened it up for the other three friends to all decide that they also were going to pick their own food and friend A got the garlic bread on her own, and then "tried" the food from all the other plates too.
I'm a definitely fan of sharing food with friends and trying bits of each other's but at least let me pick what I'm sharing!

And this is a group of “friends”?

ensayers · 13/07/2025 18:44

Similar thing happened to me last night. 5 of us went out for dinner and one decided that we should all have cheesy garlic bread and put them in the middle of the table.
I chipped in with, well i'm having caprese salad, the dirty look that she gave me was ridiculous, followed by "well you can have whatever you want" in her sarcastic tone.
Me going against the plan, just opened it up for the other three friends to all decide that they also were going to pick their own food and friend A got the garlic bread on her own, and then "tried" the food from all the other plates too.
I'm a definitely fan of sharing food with friends and trying bits of each other's but at least let me pick what I'm sharing!

DoggingDave · 13/07/2025 18:29

Imdunfer · 12/07/2025 09:12

First occasion we agreed to meet friends at a restaurant and we turned up bang on time, to find that the husband had already ordered garlic pizza as a starter and expected us all to share it and not order starters of our own.

I particularly wanted a starter that's unique to that restaurant, and had been looking forward to it all day, and had to really stick to my guns as the husband tried to bully me into sharing the starter I didn't want.

I thought it was the husband and when we met without him there I asked what was going on with "Fred" ordering for us and she said it was just him. But it happened again recently so I'm not so sure.

Second occasion I was 10 minutes late to lunch with the wife but had texted ahead to apologise. This was the first time I have ever been late meeting her in 25 years. She had already ordered what I usually, but not always, eat and drink. It was 12.40, I hadn't made her desperately late getting lunch and she's not diabetic or anything else that would need her to eat at a particular time to within 10 minutes.

In both situations, the bill is split with each pair/ person paying half.

AIBU to be a bit annoyed? Is this some kind of weird power play, or what?
.

They're completely out of order you're right to be very annoyed it's just rude ordering food on your behalf even if you're late.

You could always invite them out for dinner. Turn up early order drinks, starters, mains, desserts for them you know they'll hate. See how that goes down. The husband sounds like he's not very nice person and very controlling. See how he takes it.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 13/07/2025 16:33

BunnyLake · 12/07/2025 14:06

With respect (very sorry about your sister) posters shouldn’t use their own personal tragedy to minimise other people’s threads. It’s like when someone says their mother has really upset them and a poster will say I’d do anything to have my mum back upsetting me. (I actually lost my own mum last year). I truly am sorry about your sister.

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Any sentence that begins with "with respect" is rarely said respectfully. Just saying...

Ilovemyshed · 13/07/2025 16:31

Just get there early next time and order for them.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 13/07/2025 16:30

Trendyname · 12/07/2025 10:44

It's not a man - woman thing. My female friend ordered dessert fir us to share when I nipped to the loo. Self centred people exist in both gender.

Edited
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Win win - you get to order your own dessert and eat half of your friend's dessert

Viviennemary · 13/07/2025 15:59

Yabu in that you are continuing to meet with these annoying folk.

Lactofull · 13/07/2025 15:54

goldylock · 13/07/2025 13:11

I would say, you've been bullied before. Or have felt very disrespected or unheard at some stage.

And him ordering food/telling you what you should eat dips into that wound.

And so, you (maybe) over think situations a little, in order to protect yourself.

A couple of simple words would suffice "Looks good, but I'd prefer x" - this isn't placading anyone. It's your manners. Never mind his manners. You can only control your own.

With your friend, when confirming the time/date, also pop in "Looked at the menu, all looks good - I'm not sure what I'll have, and I'll decide when I get there".

I would say due to past bullying, you either over assert yourself or under assert yourself.

Even keel is the way to go here.

This
Really thoughtful post and I would say bang on.

I think this Op has some history of being ignored and overlooked hence the very defensive posts about how she absolutely is not a walk over.

goldylock · 13/07/2025 13:11

I would say, you've been bullied before. Or have felt very disrespected or unheard at some stage.

And him ordering food/telling you what you should eat dips into that wound.

And so, you (maybe) over think situations a little, in order to protect yourself.

A couple of simple words would suffice "Looks good, but I'd prefer x" - this isn't placading anyone. It's your manners. Never mind his manners. You can only control your own.

With your friend, when confirming the time/date, also pop in "Looked at the menu, all looks good - I'm not sure what I'll have, and I'll decide when I get there".

I would say due to past bullying, you either over assert yourself or under assert yourself.

Even keel is the way to go here.

Ivy888 · 13/07/2025 04:44

Imdunfer · 12/07/2025 14:08

We don't usually eat out as a foursome with this couple, we more normally eat at each other's houses. But this wasn't about money, it was about him wanting garlic bread (it's actually a whole full size garlic pizza) as a starter and not to have any other starters before the main courses were ordered. The garlic pizza was already on the table when we arrived, bang on time. It was very peculiar! It won't be happening again.

.

Show quote history

If you were on time and the garlic pizza was already prepared and on the table when you arrived, then they must have arrived at least 15 minutes early AND ordered way before the agreed time.
That is weird behaviour.
I would have a conversation about this weird behaviour (arriving early is ok, ordering drinks for themselfs is ok, but ordering food extra early is rude) and the second occasion (ordering food and drinks for you is rude). Make it very clear that it is weird AND rude and really rubs you up the wrong way. Call her out on her behaviour. Remind her you asked her what was up with Fred bullying you into not ordering the food you wanted and tell her she was turning into Fred.
I would stop arranging lunch dates with these people. Meet up somewhere where no food is involved. They both sound really strange.

Original poster
Imdunfer · 12/07/2025 21:28

Oblomov25 · 12/07/2025 19:39

I've read all of OP's 13 posts, but I still can't see where she actually said something to her friend, stood up for herself and said :

do you know what this is The second time this has happened and I really have got to tell you this is just not ok.

What exactly did you say to your friend, to discuss this issue?

The first time when it was a foursome I insisted on having the starter that I wanted even though it made the 3 others wait for their main courses while my starter was cooked.

I spoke to my friend later, made it clear that I thought it was odd behaviour by her husband and she brushed that off as "just him".

At the lunch I was late, I had kept her waiting, she ordered something she knows I have often eaten before, and she has given me immense emotional support during a very bad couple of years for me and it would have been completely inappropriate to make a fuss at that point.

Now I know that is what she will do if I'm late then in the unlikely event that I'm ever late again I'll make it clear when I text her to say I'm running late that I don't want her to order for me.

I hope that clarifies.

OP posts:
Original poster
Imdunfer · 12/07/2025 21:27

Missing quote, will rewrite post.

OP posts:
Laura95167 · 12/07/2025 21:21

I think the husband was rude, not for ordering a shared starter but for trying to talk you out of saying oh you two enjoy, and ordering yours

I think DF was probably just trying to be helpful and save time. Although I think she should have said, shall I order your usual?

I think just tell her occasionally you like something different and would prefer to order your own food.

daisychain01 · 12/07/2025 21:07

Imdunfer · 12/07/2025 14:08

We don't usually eat out as a foursome with this couple, we more normally eat at each other's houses. But this wasn't about money, it was about him wanting garlic bread (it's actually a whole full size garlic pizza) as a starter and not to have any other starters before the main courses were ordered. The garlic pizza was already on the table when we arrived, bang on time. It was very peculiar! It won't be happening again.

.

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Pity you couldn't develop a garlic intolerance or allergy. I'd have absolutely point blank refused to eat anything laced with garlic, end of, but I am garlic intolerant,

It's awful and even the smell puts me off.

Oblomov25 · 12/07/2025 19:39

I've read all of OP's 13 posts, but I still can't see where she actually said something to her friend, stood up for herself and said :

do you know what this is The second time this has happened and I really have got to tell you this is just not ok.

What exactly did you say to your friend, to discuss this issue?

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