Fighting with spouse over child spacing and our marriage

Your husband does not sound like a good one. He is bullying you into having another baby despite the fact that he knows you have been disabled by the first pregnancy, are working full-time and he is away on business a lot! So it will all be down to you to do. He is calling you names when you arent doing as he wants - that is not what a loving husband does.

The thing I think you need to be thinking about is whether you want to stay in this marriage?

my husbands friend who is a total cock did this

Stop with the nfp too as I used it now have my 4 months old son

You need clarity Op so look at your DH, a man who loved his wife wouldn't bully her into having another DC.

Jesus Christ.
Your husband is trying to bully you into another pregnancy which could disable you. He's seen what the first pregancy has done, but what he wants is more important than your health. Just no. Stop having sex with him. You are not a brood mare.
I had 2 high risk pregnancies and births, and difficult recoveries. I would run like the bloody wind from any man who tried to force me to risk that again.

Wow, this is quite disturbing. He doesn’t view you as a human. To him you are just there to facilitate his wants. You have to give up work to come and live where he works. You have to forget about healing from your last physically damaging pregnancy and provide him with another baby when he thinks it’s time. You then have to look after a toddler and a baby whilst being in an even worse physical state because you weren’t allowed to get better and stronger until you had to pop the next one out.

He wants you poor, disabled and completely reliant on him. .

He is honestly completely vile and you need to get on some kind of contraception asap.

I'm afraid I am having some difficulty understanding this, because the very moment a man expects his preferences to be considered as more important than a woman's autonomy, he stops being someone who anyone reasonable would want to be married to or to conceive children with. There is no reasonable basis for this to be an "argument" - he is wrong.

If you yourself @Mamnuni get to the point where you feel you have the physical health and emotional energy to conceive another child, then that is when he gets a vote, if your marriage survives that long. It wouldn't if it were me in your position.

What do you mean that condoms don't work? How can they not work? If he's bigger or smaller than average, they still sell ones that fit.

Honestly this all sounds like a horrible environment to be raising your first child in. I wouldn't plan for a second until there's been a significant, long-term improvement.

Marriage counselling might be a start. But if he's abusive (not entirely clear from your OP, but the name calling and bullying don't sound good), then couples counselling isn't recommended.

I would definitely be looking at more permanent types of contraception (coil,implant etc) and would probably be generously applying spermicide around the area just to make sure none of the little blighters make it!
I would also be taking my 2 year old for a check up with her GP, things usually have to be pretty out of control for a nursery to 'kick them out' (unless it is a particularly crap nursery?) Just remember that in 2 years or so she will be starting school and the care ratio is going to come as a shock to her if she can only function one to one.

4 years is fine. Mine are 4 years apart and it works brilliantly, it's the perfect age gap imo.

And anyway - OP is trying to heal from a serious birth injury, with an incredibly high-needs toddler and an abusive husband. Age gaps are the least of her worries.

Do see if you can get a referral from the doctor but also call round some physios and see if you can find a women's health physio.

This might be a place to start if it's spd related?

www.guysandstthomas.nhs.uk/our-services/pelvic-health-physiotherapy

He’s pressuring you to have another child when you are not physically or mentally ready. He refuses to use protection (if hormonal contraceptives don’t work for you get a coil or diaphragm) He calls you names.

He doesn’t sound like a nice person, why would you want another child with him at any point?

As others have said, I wouldn’t want to have another child with him at all. You’ve stated you want to wait another year which really isn’t long at all and he’s verbally abusing you, refusing to use condoms and trying to get you to move to where he works because it would make his life easier. The absolute nerve of him.

Your husband sounds diabolical. Sorry, but I’m shocked.

I have a just turned 2 year old, my husband travels a lot for work, we are both on the same page that we could not have another child right now even though I actually adore being a mother, I want to give each of my children my all for at least 3 years. I still have some tailbone pain from giving birth, I haven’t stopped breastfeeding completely (he still has milk for naptime and bedtime) AND my husband consistently tells me that I’m the best mum and loves to take our son out and do bath time and storytime etc.

I’m telling you this so that you can set the standard in your home. I wouldn’t even have a second child with a man who called me names. What a bad example for your children too! Don’t be coerced into bringing a child into the world that you have nothing to offer right now. Explain to your husband that you don’t want to have kids for yourself, you want to have kids that you have time to raise thoughtfully and with your full presence. Just because it’s trendy to have 2 under 2, doesn’t mean we should all be doing it.

Your husband sounds awful and controlling. You absolutely must not have another child now.

Why can’t he use condoms? Only a very immature man would say something like “they don’t work for me”. Pathetic.

Another pregnancy could you leave you disabled and your DD sounds very high needs - totally wrong time for her to have a sibling.

Do you work? I’d seriously be considering my future with a man like that. Do not on any account move or move away from your friends and family.

OP your husband is verbally abusive and rarely home. Are you sure you definitely want another child with him?

I wouldn't rely on NFP with someone who was desperate for me to get pregnant.

Christ why doesn’t he just bind your feet so you really are tied to the house. What an arsehole

This 💯
Tell him you'll consider it once he changes his job and gets another one closer to home and steps up massively with your DC. Spoiler alert, he won't. Do not have another child with this man, you will break.

This!!

I’m not at all surprised you don’t want to have sex with someone whose attempts at control and coercion using emotional abuse have occurred over a 2 year period, despite you being disabled and despite doing the majority of care for your child. That doesn’t sound like someone most people would want near them, let alone would want to have a baby with them. When you challenge him on his disgusting his behaviour is what does he say?

Your husband doesn’t get a say when you carry a child or not. He is entitled to a discussion with you about it, but ultimately it’s your decision and you get final say. He can accept it or find another wife to be his childminder, cleaner and chef.

P.S I don’t think it’s normal that your daughter was ‘chucked out of nursery’ because they couldn’t meet her needs (unless there was something else unusual going on with the setting). There might be some additional needs at play there which should be considered for the future.

P.P.S Your husband sounds like a horrible man. Get contraception.

You need to tell him that you are physically and mentally not ready for a child right now and when you are then you will discuss it.

But until then the discussion is off the table and if he continues to bring it up then you will have to consider a separation.

The fact that you’re arguing and name calling over this should be a massive red flag and you’re not in a healthy position to bring another child into it.

Tell him you are not ready and you need to both work on the relationship before you can even consider a second child.

I would really think long and hard about whether an additional child would be a good idea for your family. You have a disability, your DC could have one and your DH works away most of the time. Unless you have additional family help or can afford to pay for more help I wouldn't do it.

He sounds charming, can't think why you wouldn't be jumping to get pregnant.

My first pregnancy was awful, I needed an op to fix some side effects at 3 months postpartum, then our little one didn't sleep for years. My husband was adamant we wouldn't have another because he couldn't watch me go through it again. Other friends/family have had similar experiences with their husbands. Life had other plans and thankfully the second pregnancy was much smoother but he was very protective and took on a lot of the load during pregnancy.

I think slightly bigger age gaps are actually healthier for children, though all tend to work out fine in their own way. However, this man sounds borderline abusive, I'm not sure age gap should even come into it.