Fighting with spouse over child spacing and our marriage

Why would you stay with a man who calls you horrible names let alone have another child with him?

anyway he’s being ridiculous on all fronts. But of course he would be. He’s a wanker

You’re mid 30s so if you do want another baby I wouldn’t be waiting around.

But I would consider very carefully if it’s in your and your daughters best interests to have another child.

He has made it clear that he doesn't care about you, he only cares about having another baby in his preferred timeframe.

Hi OP. I’ve got two young DC, admittedly with a smaller age gap than you’d have. None of the kids are particularly difficult most of the time (yet still each one is a handful). DH also does more than his fair share despite me being a SAHM while they’re young/pre school age and him working very hard. Despite all this, having a second has nearly broken us due to the additional stress and there have even times I’ve wondered if our marriage will survive.

But my point is I think it will be hardest on you of course if DH is absent a lot. The extra stress and load I shared with DH will fall on you and just you the majority of the time. It’ll likely became an even more toxic environment between you both - if he’s already abusive. How dare he treat you like this. I hate to say this but if he’s like this already when you do the lion’s share with your one child, he’s likely to become even less patient with two DC as he’ll have to step up and help out more. Two kids often means one parent per child with us. It’s hard enough with both of us and all hands on deck. Imagine running around after a pretty busy older DC in your case while trying to pacify a very upset newborn - and on little sleep.

Besides, your husband sounds horrible! I wouldn’t want another DC with him full stop. Insist on condoms you will be having a second child whether you want to or not. I wouldn’t trust tracking ovulation as contraception btw. I know a fair few who did this and they’re now in baby groups with me.

talk to your gp about other methods of family planning - coil, maybe.

What is your daughter's diet like? Orange flavouring make some children hyper as does too much sugar. As you have walking problems she maybe doesnt get to run around as much as she needs to. Toddlers are like dogs, they need daily exercise. If your garden is enclosed throw a ball for her to bring back to you.

Dont move. If he continues to be so controlling you'll be a single parent and will need the job.

Yanbu. He is being horrible to you as it sounds like he is completely dismissing your physical issues and how hard it is looking after your daughter. Calling someone names to try ans make them have another baby against their will is awful. Would he go to couples counselling

Is he in a country were ADHD etc is better catered for? They are the only circumstances that I'd consider moving for. Is ND in either family? Your second baby could need the same input. It sounds as though your marriage is failing and you need to reason out if you are ok with that. Name calling really kills a relationship off. If you could lose 50% of your income could you take unpaid leave, to follow the suggestions and sort your health out?

Name calling because you won't have another baby right now? I wouldn't have another with him at all even if I wasn't disabled.

What if having another baby completely ruins your health and as a result the life chances of your existing DC and the new baby? Will he step up? Given that he isn't now? Or is another baby a stick to beat you with and then you can't work so you are all completely dependent on him?

So to go with his narrative this hypothetical baby is more important than the child he already has and you?

You need to get well. Go to the Dr and see what can be done and get on contraception because at this rate you will get pregnant.

I would have loved another baby but I had to focus on my existing DC.

I wouldn't be staying in this marriage let alone having another baby with this controlling, mainly absent man.
You are not a breeding machine to pop out babies because he possibly needs to prove something to himself and keep you under the thumb.
You have enough to deal with already and in effect are like a lone parent.

I have that gap between my 2 and I’m much less stressed than my friends with 2 year gaps. She shouldn’t be having more children wirh this man anyway.

She's living with an abusive shitbag, her last pregnancy disabled her and she already has a very challenging child. The last thing she needs is another baby, quite possibly ever.

Your DH should be supporting you to prioritise recovering from your birth injury before you even think about having another. What's he going to do if you do have a child and it gets worse? What if you can't care for both children due to it? He is massively unreasonable. It's not like he's even the one whose health is on the line and has to carry the baby and endure it all. He won't even be present a lot of the time due to his work.

What compromises is he willing to make? Rather than you move, will he move his job and change jobs to be near you?

Be careful he doesn't push the boundaries of the NFP too much. I know it can work well but it's usually for people who would prefer not to have a baby but wouldn't mind if it did happen. I have a NFP baby, granted it was user failure.

I would be seeking physio, not just OT. I may be oversimplifying but OT will help you function as best you can with a disability, whereas physio will give you exercises to actually improve your function and limit your disability.

One child is a blessing. Two sound completely incompatible with your life at the moment and a very poor choice for your physical health. Pay attention to how much your partner is taking your views and preferences into account - if he really loves you he will put your own happiness and health above his preferences.

what a prince. Wont use condoms?! Has he considered moving jobs? I would simply say, preferably in front of friends, I’m physically limited since giving birth, you’re barely here, so we can’t have another baby unless you change jobs to be more present. I mean, what does he think would happen if you couldn’t really walk in pregnancy? Would he quit then? Or expect you to somehow magically keep parenting and supporting him to work away?!

I'm glad your daughter is being assessed op. You're a good mum.

I stand by my comments about your husband. I'm concerned that you think his behaviour is okay.

I'll be blunt op. Your husband is a piece of shit. He refuses to use condoms and is trying to push his unwell wife into pregnancy. Not a good man.

Your child sounds like they may need some extra support. Please ask your gp for a referral to investigate this. The earlier you reach out the better , your child will benefit from this. It could be developmental , but let the experts decide. It's the right thing to do.

Good luck.

Is he abusive in other ways?

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/im-not-sure-if-my-relationship-is-healthy/

There is no way I would have a second child
in your situation. It sounds incredibly toxic and bringing a second child into this is just going to make it worse. I can’t imagine that he is suddenly going to stop the name calling if you were to get pregnant.

What exactly are you getting out of this marriage? Is it worth it and why are you putting up with him?

Stick to your guns, your husbands a fine one with his preferences - especially when he’s hardly ever around to lend a hand!

Don’t have another baby with this man. Do you want another child to grow up thinking verbal abuse is normal and something to accept in their own relationship as reach adulthood?

I was assuming it was going to be you who wanted another child now and was going to tell you that was a bad idea. He's being a total bully and an arsehole. I would seriously reconsider the idea of another child with him.

I completely understand how your perspective becomes skewed when you live in a situation day to day (I’ve been there) but as someone who is removed from it, this is absolutely horrifying. Your “D”H really doesn’t give a about you does he? Plenty of women who are left with the challenges you face decide they don’t want another baby full stop. Tell your DH you are happy to have a baby on whatever timeline he likes if it’s his body that will be creating and birthing them and then taking care of them day and night. If not, he can fk off. It’s YOUR choice.

I'd ditch the husband, he sounds like the root cause of many of your issues.

Why aren't you using contraception? You need to get your own sorted out before you get pregnant unintentionally and the decision becomes moot.

From what you are describing I actually think your DD behaviour won’t necessarily improve as she gets older……..have you spoken to your GP or Health Visitor?
Was your DH totally oblivious during your pregnancy or has he got his head so far in the sand that he cannot see how you’re struggling now?
Having another child with this ‘caveman’ would be insane!