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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD21 upset with me AIBU or is she

232 replies

ML5 · 11/07/2025 23:09

DD21 has a BF (23) all fine no issues there. However they are off soon to a festival next month and she wants me to tell DH that she wants her BF to stay round for 2 nights. I know she’s an Adult however this is not something that DH will agree to as he’s very old school if that makes sense. I’ve told her she has to mention herself and not to tell me to mention as it’s not really down to me to. So now she’s upset with me cos I’m not “helping her out” and according to DD21 “you have ruined my night”.
So AIBU to not mention it or is DD21 being unreasonable. I do feel that it’s not fair for her to get upset with me as I feel as an Adult she should take responsibility herself and mention it.

OP posts:
Dramatic · 11/07/2025 23:35

ML5 · 11/07/2025 23:32

You say this cos we don’t feel comfortable with DD having her bf round for 2 nights considering we are in the middle of home repairs and walls are thin
It should be down to DD to mention not tell me then say to me I’ve ruined her night

Show quote history

What a daft excuse, walls are thin?! I mean come on.

titchy · 11/07/2025 23:35

Are you seriously saying that you and your dh object because you’re in the middle of house renovations? That’s bullshit.

If you’re going to ask MN advice at least be honest. You don’t feel comfortable her having a bf stay. Own it. And tell her you both feel that way.

InWalksBarberalla · 11/07/2025 23:35

ML5 · 11/07/2025 23:32

You say this cos we don’t feel comfortable with DD having her bf round for 2 nights considering we are in the middle of home repairs and walls are thin
It should be down to DD to mention not tell me then say to me I’ve ruined her night

Show quote history

Still don't get it - just remind her the walls are thin. She probably already knows.. Do you and your DH never have sex if she's home?

holysmokee · 11/07/2025 23:33

I find this attitude so weird, ‘old school’ or not. She’s a grown woman and you should support her, your DH is massively unreasonable and his views are outdated at best.

KrisAkabusi · 11/07/2025 23:32

Motomum23 · 11/07/2025 23:24

I wouldn't even ask my husband. Its half his house and half mine and if I say a certain person can visit overnight he doesn't have power of veto. What a weird arrangement.

But you obviously think you have veto over him!

Original poster
ML5 · 11/07/2025 23:32

InWalksBarberalla · 11/07/2025 23:29

The whole situation is ridiculous. I'd be considering what kind of relationship you both want to have with your adult daughter once she moves out (and doesn't look back).

You say this cos we don’t feel comfortable with DD having her bf round for 2 nights considering we are in the middle of home repairs and walls are thin
It should be down to DD to mention not tell me then say to me I’ve ruined her night

OP posts:
Missj25 · 11/07/2025 23:31

ML5 · 11/07/2025 23:09

DD21 has a BF (23) all fine no issues there. However they are off soon to a festival next month and she wants me to tell DH that she wants her BF to stay round for 2 nights. I know she’s an Adult however this is not something that DH will agree to as he’s very old school if that makes sense. I’ve told her she has to mention herself and not to tell me to mention as it’s not really down to me to. So now she’s upset with me cos I’m not “helping her out” and according to DD21 “you have ruined my night”.
So AIBU to not mention it or is DD21 being unreasonable. I do feel that it’s not fair for her to get upset with me as I feel as an Adult she should take responsibility herself and mention it.

OP you need to sit your husband down & tell him what’s what !
She is 21 for god sake !
There are parents our there always worried about their children , yes Adult children, around with the wrong crowd, no contact from them when they’re away at festivals & wherever they are ..
You mentioned he’s a nice lad , they want to go to festival, & your daughter wants to come & stay at home after ..
Wouldn’t it be lovely getting up in the morning, having breakfast together, & hear all about their night !
Like I say , there are families who’d give anything for that ….

DysmalRadius · 11/07/2025 23:31

Perhaps she thinks that, as the other homeowner (presumably) you hold more sway with her father than she does. He apparently seems to have the ultimate power of veto (for whatever reason) and she has nothing to counter that, whereas you could just say 'It's my house too and I'm fine with it' and that would be more likely to make him change his mind.

I can see her reasoning - what is his?

TheGoodOnesAreAllGone · 11/07/2025 23:30

Your husband is BU, she's an adult! Do you agree with him and if not, why is the decision his?
You and your DH are sending your DD mixed messages. He's not treating her as an adult and yet you're expecting her to behave like one. You both know he will say no so what's the point in her speaking to him alone?

Donotgiveashit · 11/07/2025 23:30

My children at that age had partners staying ON ,absolutely no discussion and shared breakfast in the morning 🤦‍♀️

TheCurious0range · 11/07/2025 23:30

Will the repairs make the walls thicker?
Just because he stays for two nights it doesn't mean they will have sex

InWalksBarberalla · 11/07/2025 23:29

The whole situation is ridiculous. I'd be considering what kind of relationship you both want to have with your adult daughter once she moves out (and doesn't look back).

HeyWiggle · 11/07/2025 23:29

surely the decision to allow him to sleep over id 50% yours? Bit weird you assume it’s your husbands sole decision.

TheCurious0range · 11/07/2025 23:29

Good lord why can't your 21 year old have her boyfriend to stay! Even you don't 'entirely' agree with it. Why?!

Original poster
ML5 · 11/07/2025 23:28

Dramatic · 11/07/2025 23:27

Why don't you entirely agree with it?

Show quote history

Because our house is in the middle of repairs atm, walls are thin and I don’t feel comfortable having someone round with the state of the house right now

OP posts:
Original poster
ML5 · 11/07/2025 23:28

Dramatic · 11/07/2025 23:27

Why don't you entirely agree with it?

Show quote history

Because our house is in the middle of repairs atm, walls are thin and I don’t feel comfortable having someone round with the state of the house right now

OP posts:
Dramatic · 11/07/2025 23:27

ML5 · 11/07/2025 23:27

I have told her I do not agree entirely with it

Show quote history

Why don't you entirely agree with it?

Original poster
ML5 · 11/07/2025 23:27

Dramatic · 11/07/2025 23:25

Do you agree to it?

Show quote history

I have told her I do not agree entirely with it

OP posts:
Wishiwasperfect · 11/07/2025 23:26

She is an adult but asking you to ask your H is the behaviour of a child.
Is she mature enough to be in a relationship with this bf?
She should be asking your H and there should be a three way discussion about whether her bf is welcome to stay and what the sleeping arrangements would be if he did.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 11/07/2025 23:26

As she is old enough to go to a festival, she is old enough to use her words / voice and not ask / make you be piggy in the middle.

Original poster
ML5 · 11/07/2025 23:25

Maybe I am being unreasonable according to everyone’s response however why should DD place this all on me

OP posts:
Dramatic · 11/07/2025 23:25

ML5 · 11/07/2025 23:24

Well she’s 21 years old and she’s not scared of telling him she said to me she wants me to mention it so if he disagrees she will say I agreed to it

Do you agree to it?

Motomum23 · 11/07/2025 23:24

I wouldn't even ask my husband. Its half his house and half mine and if I say a certain person can visit overnight he doesn't have power of veto. What a weird arrangement.

Original poster
ML5 · 11/07/2025 23:24

Well she’s 21 years old and she’s not scared of telling him she said to me she wants me to mention it so if he disagrees she will say I agreed to it

OP posts:
Original poster
ML5 · 11/07/2025 23:22

I am not worried about asking my DH but I feel that this is something for her to do as she’s an Adult.

OP posts: