DD21 upset with me AIBU or is she

Honestly either she is an adult or a child currently she is acting like a child ask your dad yourself ffs

I think you should make the decision for yourself rather than just putting blame onto your DH and allowing their relationship to strain just to keep the peace for yourself.

I find this phrasing quite odd “put it on you”.

You’re not sure due to the renovations, you know your husband will probably be unwilling to say yes, why wouldn’t your answer to your daughter be “ok, I’ll discuss it with dad and let you know”. Why does she need to have two separate conversations?

If she's comfortable to have him over she should be willing to ask her dad about it.

In any case, it's your and your husband's house so it's really up to the two of you. If they want to stay together and you'd rather not at your place they can go to a hotel or something.

Does the bf not visit your home anyway during the day as a guest of your daughter? Surely he knows there’s renovations going on?

What sort of festival are they going to? At 21 why aren’t they just shagging in tents, drinking lager for breakfast and not bathing for 5 days? That is way more fun that staying with parents with ‘thin’ walls. Bloody hell, the youth of today have no fun do they?

OP, your daughter is putting it all on you, because she knows full well that if she asks her Father direct, he will say no. She is therefore hoping that if you tell him that she wants to have her BF stay over for a couple of nights, he will say 'I'm not having that!', and then you will say, 'oh, come on love, we'd have to accept it if they were married', or something else that will make him realise that she is all grown up.

It's now become clear that you don't approve of them sleeping together in your house either, which is why you want her to ask her Father herself, as you know he'll say no, and you don't want to be the one to piss her off by being truthful, and telling her that you're not comfortable with it either. However, you've already pissed her off, so you'd have been better off saying, 'actually love, I know it's old fashioned, and we both know your Dad will say no instantly, but in all honesty, I don't feel comfortable with the idea of you sleeping with your boyfriend in the family home either.

You could agree on the proviso they realise the walls are thin and you don’t want to be hearing them!

If dh needs to be persuaded Then you are in a better position to do that without dd there.

If my DD wanted me to raise this with her father, then I would. I'm assuming you don't share his views, and are her equal parent, so you should stand up for what you feel is right. If you've allowed a situation where your husband rules the roost so much that he is still restricting DDs relationship at the age of 21, then I think its overdue that you fight her corner. It's not really on to just opt out claiming is none of your concern when it's your home too and you have equal say.

Why ask if you are not going to reflect/listen. If you would be ok with it, mention it to DH first but it sounds like you agree with DH and are wanting him to say no (or DD not ask) so you don’t have to be the bad person.

Yes she is an adult so should mention it to her dad herself.

However, regardless of what house repairs you are having done - what does the thickness of the walls have to do with anything?

Surely her partner has been round plenty of times / stayed over / knows about the repairs?

Old school as in when they still wrote on slate & left at 9 to go work down the mines? Utterly ridiculous!

Old school? How old? Is he 97?

Surely you'd just say to dh, dd is bringing bf to stay and be done with it? What age will be acceptable? Or what thickness of walls?

What do you mean by place it all on you? He's your DH, you should be able to approach him to have a conversation about it. That comment does sound like there is reason to be scared. If I was in your situation I would tell DD that I'm not sure I want him to stay but will discuss it with her dad. I'd then approach DH and say DD wants BF to stay, I'm not sure about it because... what do you think?

ETA- didn't realise I was quoting here, it wasn't intended.

Because you picked him. She didn’t. You picked a man with misogynistic views and had a child with him, knowing that child could be a daughter and she would have an ogre for a father. You picked that.

Now she is an adult but with the country the way it is, more and more adults need to live at home for longer. But it’s her home too, not just yours and she deserves to be treated as an adult and have her boyfriend stay in her home. But since you picked a patriarchal man for a husband, she has to put up with him as a dad and has to stand up to him and say that her boyfriend is staying over… and she wants some support from her mum.

What’s wrong with you?

But you agree - why are you wanting your dh to take the blame? This is your decision as well.

Well tbh, it’s both their opinions that count. Op shouldn’t override him, just as he shouldn’t be able to override her. It might be an old fashioned concept to some, but it’s their home, and if they want to impose boundaries then the dd should abide by them.

My children had partners staying overnight and I can honestly say that I never heard them having loud sex ..we don’t live in a massive house! I think you will find that most people are respectful when sleeping in their parents home!

Why did you post on here if you weren't prepared to hear any opposing views?

I think you are at risk of seriously alienating your daughter and losing the chance of building a solid adult relationship with her. I agree you should have her back on this and tell your DH in no uncertain terms that he is being absurd. As are you about the repairs - in DD’s eyes, he is a member of the family, not some formal guest who needs to be treated with kid gloves. I also doubt that if they are just crashing at your place for a couple of nights to go to a festival that they will want to have sex while they are there. Too weird for them too. This isn’t like a 17 year old who lives at home wanting her 17 year old boyfriend to sleep over precisely so they have somewhere to have sex.

Well by this comment you clearly think your DH is being reasonable since you say "our rules" not "his rules". If you don't want him to stay then you tell your daughter that yourself, why are you trying to make out your husband is the bad one?

Well yes she’s an adult, but your DH is treating her like a child and from her POV you are sitting back and watching him throw his paternalistic man of the house weight about.

Why do you keep mentioning thin walls? Do you and DH have loud screaming sex every night?

And it’s your home, so what if it is in the middle of refurb? It happens, the boyfriend isn’t a judge for Homes and Gardens is he?

Be prepared to back your Dd up, relax, getting to know the boyfriend much better can only be good.

So which is it? Your views are outdated because you actually just don’t believe an adult woman should be having a sexual relationship? Or is it because of the renovations?

I can see OP on here in a few years time moaning that her adult kids never come round to see her.
Your excuses are a bit pathetic to be honest, house repairs and thin walls. 🙄