DD21 upset with me AIBU or is she

Ah....

She sounds like she's 10 years old. Completely unreasonable.

I agree that she shouldn’t have blamed you for ruining her night because that’s her own fault for not being able to ask her father a question. She’s 21, not 12.
I don’t really get the issue with the BF staying over though. How long have they been together? Presumably he’s been in the house during the renovations?
If yes then I don’t understand why he couldn’t stay. Be careful that you don’t push her away and she starts staying at his more and more …..

Can’t you just say “I’m uncomfortable with him staying over too so if you want him to you have to raise it with your father - if one of us agrees then yes”?

I’m surprised people are ganging up on you on this. Yes, she’s an adult, but she’s also living with her parents.

As you yourself are also uncomfortable with him staying, you need to say that…. Not push it over to your DH by saying your daughter is an adult so should ask him. You know that he will say no, so you get out of being the ‘bad guy’.
You need just need to say ‘I’m sorry DD but I’m not comfortable for him to stay over, and your Dad definitely won’t be so you need to look at alternatives.’
You are not being unreasonable to decide on whatever rules you wish in your own home, you are being unreasonable for not just stating the truth and making your DH be the one to say it.
I think it’s odd, although I never asked for partners to stay at home as I knew it would make my Dad feel uncomfortable (lone parent who is/was a little socially awkward).
Once my children are adults and in stable relationships they’d be welcome.
I wouldn’t want a random person they had just met in a club being brought back but if you exclude their friends and partners then you only get a small snapshot of their lives rather then getting to be part of more.

Ah the old...

OP = aibu?
Majority = YES yabu
OP = drip feed & double down

Not worth the energy of typing a response. The OP is perfectly ok that her husband is controlling, and is just looking for validation that she is the same.

Not everyone wants unrelated adults in there home and private space. It doesn't mean they are bad parents.

I agree. OP’s daughter clearly knows that her dad won’t like her sharing a bed with her boyfriend in the parents’ house, so I don’t know why she doesn’t just accept that for a couple nights. Either stay in the house in separate beds, or share a bed and stay someplace else.

YANBU, OP.

All those screaming "she is an adult"! Well she can move out then right? Last I checked it's home owners decision who they invite over and for how long.

I guess she knows his opinion on it and knows you can be swayed, so wants you to persuade him. If you don’t want to do that then don’t. She has a right to feel annoyed, she’s 21. And people will say she can move out if she doesn’t like it, but incredibly hard for youngsters these days.

I agree.

If she sold enough to have a BG stay over she’s old enough to ask herself.

This doesn't really seem to be about DD asking her dad. Your DD is upset with you for not supporting her wish to have BF stay. You want to not be the bad guy you just want her to ask her Dad who you both know will say No. I think it's fine for DD to be upset with you - but you also get to have your own opinion. So you aren't wrong, other than not owning it.

This!

Your husband is being ridiculous. She’s 21!!!!
jesus Christ. He needs to get with the times. How awful for her (and you??) that you have to tip toe round things he won’t accept in your family unit that are completely normal. I hope your dd doest feel this same level of submissiveness to her boyfriend or any future partners / men. I’m not sure why you also seem to think your husband gets to decide when she is a 21yo fully grown woman.

@ML5 I’m concerned that you’re scared of your husband. Sounds like a big row will come if you disobey his stance.

You obviously don't want it to happen either OP so instead of putting it on your dh to say no, you be the adult and say no.

ML5- are you afraid of him?

It's only 57/43, not an overwhelming majority.

But yes, don't ask AIBU if not prepared to consider the opposite view.

Op - AIBU?
MN- Yes
OP. NO I'm not!
Why even bother posting @ML5 ?

@LightDrizzle Being welcoming doesn't mean someone gets to stay in your home for 2 days, just that you ask them if they'd like a cup of tea when they visit. There's nothing to suggest this is a first impression situation.

At 22-23 they are able to ask both of you, and if DH old school the young couple can figure out separate sleeping arrangements in the home during his overnight visits (couch for him/your dd in her room).

YABU because you won’t have a grown up conversation with your spouse about what your agreed house rules are.

Are you scared of your husband? If not, why are you avoiding talking to him about this and using language like ‘putting it on me’ like you and your DD are teenagers who don’t want to talk to the head teacher.

What age did you and your husband start having sex? Was it before marriage? Assuming neither of you did it in your parents homes how did you make do? Park benches? Back seat of the car? In the bins round the back of McDonalds? This what you want for your daughter?

What an old fashioned and selfish approach to a totally normal request from someone her age. I feel for her on this. You should be in her side. Not making her feel guilty.

Yabu on all counts. She's an adult. Why did you ask if you didn't want to hear and are just going to carry on without reconsidering?!