DD21 upset with me AIBU or is she

Why do you keep bleating about your daughter being an adult when you’re not allowing her to have her boyfriend stay over? She’s not acting like an adult because you’re not treating her like one.

Good luck to your relationship once she moves out.

Why bother asking if you are sure you are right anyway 🤣

Completely agree

They’re 21 and 23! Christ almighty. Are you both worried they’ll be banging all over the house??

I think it depends on why telling her father is such a big deal.

If he has ruled the roost, oppressive in his old school beliefs, and been a lifelong source of fear while the OP sat alongside and never stuck up for her kids, isn’t this the Dd asking, finally, for some solidarity from her Mum?

The OP isn't asking whether the boyfriend should be allowed to stay overnight, she is asking whether the daughter should be the one who tells her father.
I think, if the daughter is old enough to be sleeping with someone, whether she is 16 or 26, she is old enough to have an adult conversation about it.
Whatever next? Does she expect her mother to provide condoms too, as she is too embarrassed?
I think the daughter needs to have a "little grow-up".

OP if you want to keep the peace why not offer them a hotel room as a treat (before/after slumming it at the festival). If your objections are just that the house isn’t in a fit state for an extra adult, that is a good compromise - he can come over for dinner or something and stay when the house is in a better condition.

What’s your DD’s situation? I would guess this will accelerate her plans to move out. Is that would you and your husband want? Sometimes kids need that extra shove to get them to fly the nest and refusing her permission to invite her own guests is a good start there.

Even if they did they could keep the noise down, some peeps wouldn't want to have sex with half /disapproving parents in the house.

You both sound scared of your husband.

Hence your daughter is looking for your support.

You should be most concerned that your 21 year old is afraid to ask and your inclination is not to support her but to protect yourself.

Whatever dominance your husband has over the home it's fxxked up and not normal and your 21 year old is going to remember it.

Start supporting her properly or pay the price when you don't see her for dust.

It sounds like an oppressive home.

Why wouldn't you want to support your child and intervene if necessary?

Very strange.

Only in abusive, controlling homes where women are afraid, would a woman be so terrified of supporting their child.

Are you afraid of retribution from him?

Do you have enough space to offer separate rooms? That is the compromise. They can stay, but in separate rooms. My 3 adult children have not objected to this. They know our reasons. We are on same page and before anyone asks, yes, it was same for us and we were married before we had sex or lived together so not being hypocritical. 23 years in, still very happy and no regrets. We do not expect our kids to agree with all we do and say but we do expect them to respect our rules in our house. And for us, it has not driven them away. DS is on Uni holiday and has a GF.They spend their time 50/50 and we see lots of both of them.

YANBU. She should ask him herself, but, it would help pave the way if you agreed.

If you don't want to get involved because you agree with him is something you need to discuss with your daughter.

Maybe because you chose her 'old school' dad. Maybe because she is scared of him and his reaction. What is their relationship normally like?

If she'll see her dad face to face then I agree she can ask him, but if she'd have to ask him over the phone/text/email etc. then I can understand why she might think you'd have a better chance of persuading him face to face. She wants me to mention it so if he disagrees she will say I agreed to it doesn't make sense to me, though - she'd only be able to tell him you said yes if SHE was having the convo; if you're having it then naturally you'd tell your husband your thoughts on them staying.

Does she know that you're not happy about his coming, and that the renovations are the reason?

Give over with the abusive bit - you'll have her LTB next!

You are not ok with it OP. You don’t want to be made out to be the “bad guy” but you prefer your DD to talk to DH so he can tell her no and carry the can.
I actually don’t disagree with your position - I don’t want young adult kids (21) having boyfriends/girlfriends sleeping over but you should say it yourself.

You are both scared to talk to him by the sounds of it. Not a nice situation to be in.

What is he, husband and father, or Boss Of Everyone?
Fair enough if you both don't want someone staying over if the house is a state because you're having work done. But generally "DD's boyfriend is staying one night so they can get an early start on going to the festival" shouldn't be a big deal. Thin walls? Ok I get what you are getting at, but I promise you, your daughter knows that. She lives there.

Why use such stupid, derogatory language about someone you’ve never met? MN is the pits sometimes.

I don’t think you actually are ok with it yourself. You should just tell her you don’t want the BF there, instead of putting it all on your husband and hiding behind him pretending it’s him who is ‘old school’
Just be honest. It’s not wrong to say you aren’t comfortable about it.

Seems that way.

Why does he need to agree to it, it’s your house as well. If you’re ok with it then let the bf stay. Are you both scared of your husband? He sounds like an arse.

Growing up and seeing how parents treated their older kids in a controlling way I noticed that those same parents complained when through the following years their kids rarely came to visit them.

You have no respect for your child so it's unlikely she will bother much with you.

I agree with this.

Op, I think it is fine to have your views and your preferences. But it sounds as if you are trying to manipulate situation just as much as DD.

And for what it's worth, I do understand how hard it is to change mindsets. But in this case, I think it is worth reflecting on the bigger picture. Your phrasing and attitudes reminds me of some in my parent's generation, but I assume you are closer to my age. You've got to appreciate the life and times we live in, as well as think practically about the effect moments and decisions like this will have on your adult relationship with your daughter. She will be aware that her parents being awkward about an established boyfriend crashing for a couple of nights at 21 makes her a real outlier. She will know moving forward that you are laid back and welcoming, or awkward and untrusting, it looks like you have some sway over which way this goes.

Have a think and chat with your husband about what your lines really are. What if they get married next week? What if she never married, will you allow her partner to stay over when she's 31? Will she even be visiting you by then....?
Good luck!

I remember my mum told my dad off and overuled him when he was funny about DH and I (then DP) sharing a bed at home when I was in my early 20s. This was 25 years ago. Sounds like you need to do the same, OP.