DD21 upset with me AIBU or is she

If you’re happy for him to stay over, then it really doesn’t matter who mentions it to your husband.
if he isn’t happy for him to stay over, then he can say so to DD

but actually sounds like YOU don’t want him to stay over, but didn’t want to have that discussion with your DD, or deal with her being upset, so tried to push the decision onto your husband by insisting that DD ask him herself.

and now you’re pissed off that it backfired, and DD is upset with you either way.

Well it's the sort of thing I would have asked my mother to do because I couldn't have trusted my father not to explode and be abusive. If that's how he would respond, that's why she's asking you.

And from your replies you have posted in the wrong place. Why post in AIBU if you are going to keep saying you are not?

So if you’re not worried about it and you’re ok with it why not help her out? She is your daughter, why wouldn’t you?

You not been paying attention to the state of the country and economy?

You had it a lot easier than your kids have it. What you could get on a new starter salary in the workforce does not provide the same now. Kids need to live at home longer now, that doesn’t mean they’re not adults and shouldn’t be allowed to have their boyfriend stop over.

It’s the reality of the world now. And utterly
stupid to say, “oh, I’m uncomfortable.” How ridiculous of a grown adult… uncomfortable about an adult having their partner round.

Well u have the mind completely made up,
what are you looking for here ?
I thought you wanted opinions ?
if that is the case, I vote YABU -her request seems reasonable -
but the I don’t completely agree / I don’t want him here and the ask your dad move is weird -
just be honest with her / yourself
you aren’t up for this,
DD needs to explore other options - you have your view, own it, or be open to other perspectives?

Re. You being old fashioned- your house your rules. My husband’s mum is catholic and wouldn’t let us share a bed until we were married. I completely respected this and stayed in another room /bed.

Re. her asking: you are completely right. She needs to ask him herself.

Of course they can. But why do you care?

Adults can get their own accommodation.

They are adults, not children.

Exactly. Adults can get their own place.

An adult having another adult sleepover is uncomfortable for you?

And they’re adults, not their adults.

Now you're saying they are your rules, at the start they were your husbands rules. Which is it? If you are saying no because you don't want BF to stay over you're going to have to own it. No wonder DD is annoyed with you, she has approached one of her parents, who has asked much say as the other and got stuck playing games because you won't own your opinion.

The person being immature here is you.

How old are your kids at the moment?

Personally, I have no problem with my sons’ gf’s staying over. A different girl every week would be an issue but they are steady gf’s. They are both actually going to be here at the same time for a few days soon. It would seem really wierd to me to tell my sons they couldn't have their gf’s here. What would be the purpose?

There are many cultures or families where its not the norm for child, even as a young adult to have their boyfriend or girlfriend sleep over.

It's a spectrum. Some parents are very comfortable with their children (even as teenagers) having partners over and even having sex under their roof.

There's no rules to how people should parent. In any case children should respect their parent's boundaries.

Interested to know why?

Yes for both. I wouldn't want son's GF staying over either.

Your house your rules. If she wants him to stay she should ask, after all as everyone has pointed out she’s an adult so more than capable.

Sounds like a ‘ you’ problem

When your daughter has her own home, would you and DH expect to be able to stay over together?

For sons as well as daughters?

One of my son’s gf is coming over for the weekend. It’ll be my first time meeting her but I trust my son’s judgement. There isn’t any reason I can think of why I’d say no.

It's not only his house though. Where multiple adults live together not every temporary change needs to be agreed upon. What an exhausting way to live.

Because that would mean hes abusive and the wife is enabling him 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ but yet if the op was worded different but same issue the response would be his house his rules.

Op stop looking for validation here. You dont need it. You're the parent! You made a choice to say she needs to ask herself, dont 2nd guess yourself. You didnt make a life changing serious, world domination choice. You're daughter is making you feel gulity and acting like you done her wrong. Don't fall for it. You didnt take her bloody inheritance away for god sake! And also why is everyone here dying over her dad not wanting her bf over. My parents didnt allow it either big bloody deal.

It’s the husbands house as well so why doesn’t he get a say? Just because he’s a man?