DD21 upset with me AIBU or is she

Are you scared of him?Certainly you should support your daughter and discuss with your husband. I don't use the word 'ask because it is your house as well so not his sole decision.

Can you expand on what you mean by ‘old school’.

Presumably this is a man in his fifties? Is he very religious? Do you have sons and does he apply his views equally to both?

I am in my forties and have parents who still treat me like a child. It had really damaged our relationship. My dad (in his seventies) talks down to me - not sure if he would be the same with a son as he only has girls.

knock this on the head now - your daughter is an adult. You are right, your daughter should be able to have a conversation with her dad. But the big question is why she can’t.

No you are not a bad mom, you know why she is getting you to speak to your husband because she knows how he feels about it, then when it all goes wrong she can blame you. Tell her to speak to her Dad herself as she is an adult. It is both of your house your & your husbands if you don’t want to have him stay say no. Your house your rules.

In my opinion if she is old enough to have her BF around to stay then she should be old enough to have that conversation with her dad.

Although having said that my children ask me to ‘lay the seed’ in DH mind so he’s more likely to yes to their requests (although it’s not usually over people staying).

I've just realised that the DD and BF are going to a festival (presumably under canvas). Maybe they could pitch their tent in OP's garden for the nights they want to stay there? Would that be a compromise that would work - it would not (technically) be under her roof and the thin walls wouldn't be an issue then either? I guess OP and her DH might worry about what the neighbours would think though.

Why should your dd speak to your dh? Does he have the power to overrule you, or do you want her to waste her time talking to your dh when it will make no difference? Or have you been absolutely pathetic and not told your dd you do not want her boyfriend staying over, because you are a selfish person who finds it easier always to make your dh out to be the bad guy? You really don’t come across well here - just accept the fact your dd thinks you ruined her night, instead of whining that it’s not fair. She has clearly attributed her upset to the right place, even if not for precisely the right reason. If it makes you feel any better, though, she evidently thinks your dh is not worth talking to, because he wouldn’t agree to it unless she had your support, so he’s automatically a bad guy in her eyes who would happily ruin her evening.

Of course, I have never said she should agree to it. It just seems a whole heap of potentially ongoing drama if dd doesn’t get married for years but has a bf.

Some people don't really like he house guests in their space. I think a lot of people would prefer not to have guests if their house is a construction zone. It's not that unusual.

You're very welcome to invite whoever you wish into your house, and restrict entry to whoever.

OP is also within that right. Think people on this thread are over invested in the preferences of Internet strangers.

YABVU to start this thread, implying that it was your dh who doesn't "approve" of your dd's partner staying, when, in the end, once pressed, you admit you feel the same.

Why not own it ?
Why not start a thread saying A(we)BU to not let dd's partner stay over for two nights to help their logistics when going to this festival ?
Are you embarrassed about your stance?

Good point about what happens if they live together.

Would that make a difference to sleeping arrangements on visits or would bf still be banned from over nighters (assuming he’s likely to be banned at present). Or any bf she lives with. Other than religion what on earth is the issue?

Not very hospitable though is it! If I told my son they’d have to go and book a hotel because they can't be under my roof (even though this is his home) I think that would be horrible of me. OP hasn’t said if they are a strict religious family but if not then why the uptightness. Do they not trust their dd’s judgement in her choice of bf?

My parents would have been like this but I am now 70 and they would be about 100 or more if they were still alive. I am really surprised that people still think this way unless there are cultural/religious issues going on. OK so maybe OP and her DH think 21 is still quite young, but at what age (if any at all) would they be OK with it? At 30, 40, 50, 60? I am also assuming the DD is currently living with them but what about once she has moved out, will she then be allowed to visit with whatever DP she is with or will they still be banned? Presumably the thin walls aren't likely to get any thicker unless that is what the renovations are for.

I think it’s a shame there is so much conflict about something that in 2025 doesn’t seem a very big deal unless you’re very religious or of a significantly different culture. Maybe it’s because I have sons but their (steady) gf’s are welcome here any time. My son has been dating someone since he started uni last year and he recently said ‘gf is coming soon, I said how long for, a few days, I said great it’ll be nice to meet her. Obviously she’s staying here. There couldn’t have been less drama.

He’s already stayed at her parents (in fact he’s been there a few days now).

When I first got with my now husband at 23 he had to sleep in a separate room to me when staying at my parents for quite a while. It just made them uncomfortable and it’s their house. Didn’t particularly bother us and we all have a great relationship. Not the end of the world.

Okay🤷‍♀️

To be fair you don't sound remotely intellectual....

You both seem ridiculously uptight.

I'm pretty comfortable with you believing you are intellectual superior to anyone who may think differently to you.

Fine, but why? if it's just "cause I said so" then fine, but that's stupid.

I'm not telling you how to run your household. Do you up please.

Certainly not going to take any direction from an Internet stranger on how to operate my house.

I care what about who and what occurs is in my house

Not everyone wants random young men they don't know wandering down to breakfast and sharing their space. Some fathers don't want to think about their daughters being shagged silly by said randoms either.
Their house their rules.

Your DD knows you are the softer to approach, and your DH the difficult one to deal with.

It's why she's putting the pressure on you and blaming you for not helping her. She really doesn't want to have a confrontation with her father. She's 21 and while still young, she's an adult and has to bring her battle to the right person - her father.

Personally, I'd talk about it with my husband.... but my husband is the softie. Only you know if mentioning the issue can get your DH even more entrenched in his views, and it's time your DD fights her own battles with your husband.

Whatever the rights and wrongs of the OP's and her DH's opinion on this - and it's not for us to judge - the 21 year old should be asking her dad herself and not pushing her mum to speak to him. She's being manipulative.