DD21 upset with me AIBU or is she

You do realise they can sleep in the bed and NOT have sex? If that's what you're worried about with the thin walls.

I don't necessarily think it is that weird. My husband and I have an agreement with everything in the house, that if one of us disagrees with a choice - GF staying over or even just the colour of the walls - then we don't do it.

She’s 21 for crying out loud and on top of that it’s 2025 not the 1950’s.
My daughter asked me if her boyfriend could stay when she was 19, I said yes and told her dad the bf was staying. Why can you not say yes to her why does it have to be your husband? And why is your husband so hard to ask?

I didn’t read your AIBU as ‘why should I be seen as the bad one’ but now I’m wondering if this is the issue for you. Do you want to say no, but would rather your DH said it? If that is what’s going on, it makes sense that you don’t want to help her with broaching the subject with DH. Initially I thought it sounded like you were fine with it but DH wasn’t, but now I’ve read your other messages, it sounds more like you don’t want to upset DD by being the one to say no. (Which is understandable as if the case, it is hard being the bad one.)

In any case, I wonder if it would be best to tell DD that you’ll discuss it with DH and then do so. You and DH could create some new rules so she knows what she’s allowed. If she is allowed to have BF to stay, what are the house rules? You could explain the thin walls, bathroom rules/whatever else needs addressing so she can have him over without crossing any of your boundaries? If she’s not allowed him to stay, she deserves an explanation and some understanding of when she could expect to be allowed a partner over for the night.

Haven't RTFT but - your house, your rules. Doesn't matter what 'other people' do.

Nonsense. You are 50% of the decision making in the house (or should be). Either tell your daughter "it's ok by me, you can run it past your dad in that basis". Or be honest and say "sorry, I'm not keen on the idea myself".

You're being a coward and hiding behind your DHs "rules". Be prepared for your daughter to lose her respect for you!

If the husband is entrenched in his world views, it makes no difference who asks his permission, the answer will be the same.

There has been a lot or response already including the standard abuse of the word misogyny (there is no evidence the husband would have a different attitiude if it was a son wanting to have his girlfriend over for the night, so there is no evidence for any hatred of women here🙄). My opinion is the OP and her daughter should approach the husband/father together and discuss it like civilised adults. If views are opposed and entrenched, ultimately someone is going to have to back down and it might have to be the daughter, and in that case, they would be best finding a cheap B&B if they want to spend the night together.

My parents had a similar viewpoint in that if I were ever to bring a girlfriend back to stay overnight, we would be sleeping in seperate rooms, that was a rule applied to any mixed sex couple, only people who were married were allowed to share a bed. I never had girlfriends in my youth but if I had, I would have had to respect that rule given it is their house and my father was not someone anyone was going to confront and have any chance of success if his opinion was strong enough.

Your poor daughter! 21 years old and she is still being treated like a child! You need to stand up for her and tell your partner that his old fashioned ways are inappropriate in this day and age.

You sound like the kind of parent your children will eventually go non contact with

Ah so it’s not just your husband, as you’ve said yourself “our rules”. Are you always so unhelpful with your daughter?

You are right . If she wants him to stay she should ask . If one or both of don’t want him to stay it’s your or your husbands right to say no . I wouldn’t allow anyone to stay in my house if my husband was not comfortable with it and I’m sure he would behave the same way

I can't imagine not welcoming my children's partners into my home. Very strange way to behave with adults. You need to advocate for your daughter. House being in a state in not a valid reason and is easily explained to any guest. Some families are so controlling and weird.

Sounds like you just don’t want to do it and you want people to agree with you. Well, I think you’re wrong and you should do your daughter this one favor. How is that asking too much?

Sorry OP but you’re being vvv unreasonable here. DD has asked YOU. Surely you’re able to reply without needing to “ask” your DH? It seems to me like you want to say no as well (for what seems a ridiculous reason about thin walls ) but don’t want to be the bad guy so you want her to ask her dad to be told no. Then you can blame your DH.

I would allow in them in the same room. The boyfriend may have sex with her,

Not all men will be comfortable with their daughters having a man in their bedroom. But since your getting repairs done maybe it best they get a hotel or b&b?

??

you both seem to be walking on eggshell around DH so she is right that you should take your part in this. She isn’t in assuming that you should ask instead of her.

your house your rule but then she will go elsewhere so choose wisely.

If you guys are ok with her going onto a festival alone with that guy. Don’t you want to see how he is in the evening too?

21 and having to ask for that? Surprised she still lives at home.hubby needs telling not asking.

Are you refusing to ask for her because you don't want to deal with DH reaction? Would he give you a load of shit for it?

Where else is there for your daughter and her boyfriend to stay if not with you? Is there another local relative who isn't having building work done with a spare room?

I can't tell whether your daughter lives with you or elsewhere.

If she's ever lived in your current house with you she'll be aware of the thinness of the walls and how sound carries.

Finding an alternative solution for next month and until you've finished renovating gives you and your husband time to discuss. The reality is that if you don't respect their relationship as it is, they are likely to spend less time with you. That may not be 'cured' if they marry because the damage will be done now. Your husband is wrong on this issue and you should be working with your daughter to change his mind.

She’s an adult, she can ask him herself.

I would be happy to mention this to my dad. My dad also old school and would let bf stay but not in the same room etc until we were married. Despite me being pregnant 🤣 and 37! I guess it depends on the ask.

Sit down together with DH.
Tell him, you haven't agreed. Yet.
Can he sleep on the sofa. My oldest brother didn't share a bed with his GF now wife, in my parents house, 4 younger sisters, wasn't the right thing ATT.
He slept downstairs while GF took the bedroom.

You may look back in 10 years time and think, in the great scheme of things, was it worth all this angst. The answer will probably be no. Life's too short, your DH needs to look at what could be worse.