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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Not answering straight away

103 replies

nikkkii · 11/07/2025 20:34

I had a message this morning asking if my daughter would like a sleepover at a friends house tomorrow.
I was at work and didn’t get to answer it until this evening.
I have accepted the invitation but been told they have made other plans now as I didn’t reply.
AIBU to think this is unfair?

OP posts:
SprayWhiteDung · 12/07/2025 08:45

Travelfairy · 12/07/2025 02:53

I have friends like this and often wait for hours even days for a reply. Reading this thread i will absolutely just make other plans!!

Taking days to reply is really not acceptable.

LlynTegid · 12/07/2025 08:35

SprayWhiteDung · 12/07/2025 02:09

Some people just cannot comprehend that a lot of people are at work all day, in jobs where they just don't have chance to see their phones - and often there may not actually be a signal.

Yes, you're supposed to have breaks - but these can often be very oversubscribed with essential stuff you have to do and/or difficult to even take in practice.

And it's not just a 10-second "Yes, please" message, as there will be lots of follow-up timings, arrangements and general chat. It can easily end up taking half an hour that you simply do not have available; and the kind of person who can't understand people being at work with limited phone access will be the same kind of person who would assume you'd suddenly given them the cold shoulder and would take great offence if you did reply back and forth for half an hour but then stop because you had to be back in work.

Some people maybe have very little going on in their lives, and so six hours or more without a response may seem like an absolute age and complete snub to them; but to somebody who is busy at work, it's not that long at all.

You also get the people who will email a company at 4:55pm on a Friday and then be absolutely horrified and disgusted that they don't reply until 9:05am on the Monday!1

Edited

I can think of organisations you behave as if every family has someone at home all day- BT/Openreach for example.

Pyramyth · 12/07/2025 08:31

I think it is fair enough as it was a sleepover invitation not something bigger but I certainly have days at work where I don't take a break apart from to go to the loo and I can't necessarily access my phone. If I take a ten minute break to eat, which is very normal, I might look at my phone to check my husband hasn't texted but won't read every What's App as I sometimes have loads.

ilovesooty · 12/07/2025 08:23

savagedaughter · 12/07/2025 02:38

Nope, everyone understands this perfectly. She doesn't work in a sweat shop with no breaks, she very definitely did stop to go to the loo, have a drink of water and have something to eat and very definitely could have taken the 20 seconds to type "Yes please will text after work :)"

It's fine that she chose not prioritise responding, and it's fine that the other person moved on.

Some people are not allowed to have their phone on their person at work. However if the messenger needed an instant response they will move on.

AzurePanda · 12/07/2025 08:19

Good for them for not hanging around endlessly for a reply and making other arrangements to ensure their child wasn’t disappointed.

I get so fed up these days for people taking forever to respond to dinner invitations that I tend not to invite those who don’t answer within a reasonable time. How can people not realise that if everyone takes a week to respond it becomes impossible to put a group of 8 or so together.

MrsKeats · 12/07/2025 08:13

Are you now not coming back to the thread? I see a pattern.

meditated · 12/07/2025 08:12

HotCrossBunplease · 11/07/2025 20:44

Was it WhatsApp and did you read it (activating the blue ticks) but not reply?

Just re this - op would’ve seen it on her screen (I think few people don’t have any non screen notifications) so just actively not clicking on it doesn’t mean they are entitled to take as long as it suits them without a regard to the actual time planned.
Op knew they are asking for a sleepover for today, so she’s read the message. Blue ticks or not.

I texted someone for their birthday. They took a week to open the actual, very short message and reply. Fine. Asked me how I was doing. I texted back. A month later she still hasn’t ‘seen’ the message.
That just tells me she’s not actually interested how I am or wanting to catching up.

Op, do you not get lunch breaks?

Edit to add if I were them I’d probably send a second message to say they made other plans. Unless similar has happened before?

JMSA · 12/07/2025 08:11

YABVU.

Pennyforyourthoughtsplease · 12/07/2025 08:10

SouthernNights59 · 12/07/2025 08:04

Why should we have to chase people up? If I ask a question via a text and don't get a response I'm not going to follow it with a phone call. It takes seconds to send a text, if someone can't be bothered to respond then I can't be bothered to take it any further.

That's fair but if you need an instant response then call. Or don't moan about it 🤷‍♀️ Let's face it in an emergency you don't text someone, although I do wonder about some people on MN 🤣

SouthernNights59 · 12/07/2025 08:04

Steelworks · 12/07/2025 03:00

So why don’t you just phone them?

Why should we have to chase people up? If I ask a question via a text and don't get a response I'm not going to follow it with a phone call. It takes seconds to send a text, if someone can't be bothered to respond then I can't be bothered to take it any further.

Katherine9 · 12/07/2025 07:48

Steelworks · 12/07/2025 07:41

But if op didn’t look at her phone (due to work etc), how was she known it was time sensitive?!

the post implies OP saw it in the morning but didn’t get to reply until the evening.

OlympicProcrastinator · 12/07/2025 07:47

savagedaughter · 12/07/2025 02:38

Nope, everyone understands this perfectly. She doesn't work in a sweat shop with no breaks, she very definitely did stop to go to the loo, have a drink of water and have something to eat and very definitely could have taken the 20 seconds to type "Yes please will text after work :)"

It's fine that she chose not prioritise responding, and it's fine that the other person moved on.

How do you know she ‘definitely did’ I work in a prison. We don’t have lockers we are simply not allowed them anywhere near the prison.
I leave my office at lunch time but as it’s in the middle of nowhere, nobody wastes ages of their lunch break going through multiple layers of security to get to their car to just check their phone.

Steelworks · 12/07/2025 07:41

Katherine9 · 12/07/2025 07:31

If wasn’t that you “didn’t answer straight away” - it’s that you took all day to reply despite it clearly being a time sensitive invitation. Is it really the case you couldn’t reply on a break or during lunch?

But if op didn’t look at her phone (due to work etc), how was she known it was time sensitive?!

Cucy · 12/07/2025 07:40

Katherine9 · 12/07/2025 07:31

If wasn’t that you “didn’t answer straight away” - it’s that you took all day to reply despite it clearly being a time sensitive invitation. Is it really the case you couldn’t reply on a break or during lunch?

How was it a time sensitive invitation? It was for the following day.

Its fine for them to withdraw their invitation but the polite thing would have been to send a second message apologising saying something else has come up.

They knew OP was busy as she didn’t reply.
Many people cannot reply on a break or are somewhere where they cannot check their phones all day.

Spies · 12/07/2025 07:39

Pennyforyourthoughtsplease · 12/07/2025 07:34

These responses are wild! If you need an instant response then plan a bit better so you don't need it back so quick or call the person. Agree with PP it's the instant gratification culture we now live in

No one was expecting an instant response though, just a response that didn't take all day. That's not unreasonable and I don't see how calling would have helped in this situation? Sometimes plans can be more spontaneous it doesn't make either the other parents or the OP unreasonable.

However, the fact the OP hasn't responded to this thread does suggest it wasn't really about her being at work and not being able to reply and her lack of a timely response could be something she does often.

Pennyforyourthoughtsplease · 12/07/2025 07:34

Katherine9 · 12/07/2025 07:31

If wasn’t that you “didn’t answer straight away” - it’s that you took all day to reply despite it clearly being a time sensitive invitation. Is it really the case you couldn’t reply on a break or during lunch?

These responses are wild! If you need an instant response then plan a bit better so you don't need it back so quick or call the person. Agree with PP it's the instant gratification culture we now live in

Katherine9 · 12/07/2025 07:31

If wasn’t that you “didn’t answer straight away” - it’s that you took all day to reply despite it clearly being a time sensitive invitation. Is it really the case you couldn’t reply on a break or during lunch?

spoonbillstretford · 12/07/2025 07:28

You haven't done anything wrong, OP. Even at home I don't even look at my phone for hours at a time. People can't always be spontaneous.

Cucy · 12/07/2025 07:27

savagedaughter · 12/07/2025 00:56

Nope, you had all day to respond, it takes seconds to message someone back and you definitely had time throughout the day to do so. Lesson learned.

You do realise that some people work?

I am not even allowed to take my phone into the building at my work.
I don’t check it at lunch time as I have no signal and it would take my entire lunch break just walking out to my car and back.

People have my work number for emergencies.

Anything else can wait until the evening.

Not everyone is sat staring at their phones all day and it’s ok to not be glued to it.

Cucy · 12/07/2025 07:20

I think it’s ridiculous when people need an answer straight away.

I often can’t check my phone for a good 10hours due to work and people get annoyed over it.

However, they may have been offered a really good opportunity and as it’s just a sleepover they can do it another time instead.

I don’t think it’s very good that they made an offer and then changed their minds without telling you (they could have sent a second text saying that they’ve now made other plans).
I assume you would have asked your child and so it’s unfair that they got their hopes up.

I think it’s ridiculous when people need a quick response.
I wonder what jobs these people do that allows them to reply so quickly. Even working in tesco or McDonald’s you’d need to wait 4hours for your break.

savagedaughter · 12/07/2025 07:18

And now the racist who made racist comments to me is putting love hearts on how upset I am about her vile racism.

I am so glad that the laugh emoji was taken away, it's bullying racists like this who would have taken pleasure in using it as a weapon.

whynotmereally · 12/07/2025 07:17

I think it’s unreasonable to expect an instant response to everything. Sometimes you’re at work and your phone is away or it died or you need to check with dp.
it’s this whole instant gratification thing, if people don’t get a immediate response they move on to the next thing.

savagedaughter · 12/07/2025 07:16

Pennyforyourthoughtsplease · 12/07/2025 07:15

Love your work 🤣

Can't say that I love your vile, unnecessary racism.

Pennyforyourthoughtsplease · 12/07/2025 07:15

savagedaughter · 12/07/2025 07:14

And now you are laughing at the fact that you are a racist? Truly shocking and vile.

Love your work 🤣

savagedaughter · 12/07/2025 07:14

Pennyforyourthoughtsplease · 12/07/2025 07:14

🤣

And now you are laughing at the fact that you are a racist? Truly shocking and vile.