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Original poster

Annoying MIL

60 replies

Mummypie21 · 11/07/2025 19:46

My MIL isn't a horrible person but she says random annoying things - usually about appearances. I usually don't respond and just smile and nod absent-mindedly but sometimes after a difficult week (and she insists on seeing us several times a week), I have had enough. These are the following things that she's said:

  1. She adores my older ds more and this is obvious. She says that people in our church community have assumed that she is his mother (bearing in mind she is 76 and he is 7!).
  2. She said my older ds will be tall and slim like his dad (her son). DH isn't tall (he is 5'8). My younger DS will probably end up short like me (I'm 5'1).
  3. Apparently my older ds looks exactly like her so is stunning. My younger DS is 'nice-looking' but not gorgeous because he looks like me.
  4. She says she is stunning but ended up with my FIL (who in her words is nice-looking but not beautiful) because he's a nice guy.

She supposedly likes me a lot though. She has my photo on her FB profile. She tells all her friends that I'm the daughter she never had. She will phone me over her own son. She isn't uncomplimentary of me -apparently I have a great personality. However, she constantly goes on about how gorgeous she is when in fact she's a perfectly average-looking older woman (who looks younger than 76 though). Do I just continue to smile and indulge her?

OP posts:
Disturbia81 · 12/07/2025 09:38

I think anyone obsessed with looks is strange but there’s something extra weird about someone in their 70s being like that. It sounds like she has nothing else about herself. I wouldn’t like her saying this stuff to my kids, why isn’t your husband saying anything?

Original poster
Mummypie21 · 12/07/2025 09:29

Mummypie21 · 12/07/2025 09:27

You are right. My parents-in-law are Chinese. Both me and my DH are UK-born and bred.

Show quote history

So there is a bit of a cultural element to her interactions. But to be fair, most of her friends from the same background aren't that looks-focused.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummypie21 · 12/07/2025 09:27

Ponoka7 · 12/07/2025 09:24

I looked at your other posts because I thought that there were some cultural aspects at play. Have you watched American Dad, when fancine's Chinese parents come to visit? It might make your MILs comments into a more humorous frame. If your husband won't have a word, then you need to try to shut it down in front of your boys, when it's about them. The rest your might have to let go. I'd say there's a level of this when there's been a change of society that's quite different from the one settled in.

You are right. My parents-in-law are Chinese. Both me and my DH are UK-born and bred.

OP posts:
FigTreeInEurope · 12/07/2025 09:26

Rocknrollstar · 12/07/2025 07:33

A song as she doesn’t say things to the children about their looks,Why can’t you just indulge her? On day you will be a 70 ish mother in law yourself.

Because there is no reason for EVERYONE not to be held accountable for their behaviour. It's what makes for a meaningful society. Unpleasant behaviour shouldn't be tolerated simply because someone is old, or a MIL.

Ponoka7 · 12/07/2025 09:24

I looked at your other posts because I thought that there were some cultural aspects at play. Have you watched American Dad, when fancine's Chinese parents come to visit? It might make your MILs comments into a more humorous frame. If your husband won't have a word, then you need to try to shut it down in front of your boys, when it's about them. The rest your might have to let go. I'd say there's a level of this when there's been a change of society that's quite different from the one settled in.

Original poster
Mummypie21 · 12/07/2025 09:17

99bottlesofkombucha · 12/07/2025 09:07

Totally, this isn’t ok!! You need to do another round of assertive. ‘We’ve put a lot of work into teaching the boys that looks are not what counts and not to comment on people’s looks. Please don’t undermine that.’

for a start- you will need to reduce contact if she doesn’t get it.

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You're right about that. We don't focus on things that are outside our control - looks, height etc. l can't help being short (I used to do a lot of sports but that didn't help!). We do talk about attitude, kindness and effort.

OP posts:
Genevieva · 12/07/2025 09:12

The male to female height difference is about 5.5 inches, so your male equivalent height isn’t much different from your husband’s actual height. Your boys are unlikely to be tall. Probably around 5’7, which is a perfectly good height. What a weird thing to obsess over.

99bottlesofkombucha · 12/07/2025 09:07

LittleOwl153 · 12/07/2025 08:42

You need to realise exactly how DAMAGING this is to both your kids.

You and your DH are willfully allowing her to damage not only your self-esteem but that of small kids.... that I'd appalling. You need to be very strong with her and tell her to stop the comments and kick her out when she makes them so that she learns... if she is capable.

Show quote history

Totally, this isn’t ok!! You need to do another round of assertive. ‘We’ve put a lot of work into teaching the boys that looks are not what counts and not to comment on people’s looks. Please don’t undermine that.’

for a start- you will need to reduce contact if she doesn’t get it.

5128gap · 12/07/2025 09:04

LittleOwl153 · 12/07/2025 08:42

You need to realise exactly how DAMAGING this is to both your kids.

You and your DH are willfully allowing her to damage not only your self-esteem but that of small kids.... that I'd appalling. You need to be very strong with her and tell her to stop the comments and kick her out when she makes them so that she learns... if she is capable.

Show quote history

I'd highly doubt it's more damaging to a child to hear he looks less like a 76 year old woman than his brother (you think he wants to look like his granny??), than it would be to watch his mother 'kick out' the grandmother he presumably loves. There's very little more damaging to children than watching their adults fight. You remove loved adults from your children only in extreme circumstances.

ShoeeMcfee · 12/07/2025 08:44

I bet the people at her church are as fed up of her shit as you are 😂

BlueandPinkSwan · 12/07/2025 08:43

Your h needs to put her in her place with these stupid comments, sounds as if her brain is going off tangent . Kids mother ffs, the church lot either indulge her nonsense or joke about it behind her back.
If my ex mil had ever spoken about my lads like that I would have been down on her like a ton of bricks from the start.
I'm NOT a people pleaser and never have been.

LittleOwl153 · 12/07/2025 08:42

Mummypie21 · 12/07/2025 08:14

I do say back that ds is handsome. And she will agree with that. She says they are both good-looking but older DS is 'gorgeous' because he looks like her.

Show quote history

You need to realise exactly how DAMAGING this is to both your kids.

You and your DH are willfully allowing her to damage not only your self-esteem but that of small kids.... that I'd appalling. You need to be very strong with her and tell her to stop the comments and kick her out when she makes them so that she learns... if she is capable.

5128gap · 12/07/2025 08:36

My MiL can be as daft as a brush about some things too. She is a kind loving woman though who loves me. So I just put it in the no one's perfect drawer. Your MiL shouldn't obsess about looks in front of DC, but is unlikely to change the habits of a lifetime. Just have a quiet word with them about taking no notice, its just granny being granny. I doubt older DS will be particularly flattered at looking like a 76 year old woman, or younger offended at not, so no harm done.

Original poster
Mummypie21 · 12/07/2025 08:34

MascaraGirl · 12/07/2025 08:24

She has been a lot better after we put in some boundaries. Originally, after I had my first born, she tried to move in with us.

Blimey - what on earth happened and how did you sort it out??

I was assertive with her for the first time. Both DH and I explained that we needed space to bond with our child. We ensured that she was still able to see ds loads but that there were times we weren't free.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummypie21 · 12/07/2025 08:33

Pottedpalm · 12/07/2025 08:26

She helps out with the children? In what way?

She does childcare whilst we work- although both children attend school. I chose to work part-time and school hours only because I didn't want her to be here all the time. However, even when I'm off she'll try to come over and hang out. She lives quite close by.

OP posts:
Pottedpalm · 12/07/2025 08:26

She helps out with the children? In what way?

MascaraGirl · 12/07/2025 08:24

She has been a lot better after we put in some boundaries. Originally, after I had my first born, she tried to move in with us.

Blimey - what on earth happened and how did you sort it out??

whistlesandbells · 12/07/2025 08:19

You spend far too much time with her. See her less and she will be less annoying.

Original poster
Mummypie21 · 12/07/2025 08:14

Mumofteenandtween · 12/07/2025 08:11

I can’t believe that you are letting her say things like that in front of your younger son. He may be resilient now but give him time and that drip… drip….drip of negativity will work away at him.

I just can’t believe you find that acceptable.

I do say back that ds is handsome. And she will agree with that. She says they are both good-looking but older DS is 'gorgeous' because he looks like her.

OP posts:
Mumofteenandtween · 12/07/2025 08:11

I can’t believe that you are letting her say things like that in front of your younger son. He may be resilient now but give him time and that drip… drip….drip of negativity will work away at him.

I just can’t believe you find that acceptable.

Original poster
Mummypie21 · 12/07/2025 08:09

thepariscrimefiles · 12/07/2025 07:54

She is self-obsessed and rude. You see far too much of her. You need to cut down the visits. Once a week is plenty. Don't worry about offending her as she doesn't care if she offends you.

Is she like this with other people? I'm assuming that she spends so much time with you because she doesn't have many friend as who wants to spend time with someone whose only topic of conversation is how gorgeous she is (when she really really isn't). People must laugh at her behind her back.

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She has a few old friends but they have a similar temperament. She's quite boastful with them too but they'll say things back and try to outdo each other!

I admit I'm passive and a people-pleaser. I need to work on my confidence.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummypie21 · 12/07/2025 08:07

LurkyMcLurkinson · 12/07/2025 07:53

Your younger child shouldn’t need to be resilient when it comes to how family members talk about him. I’d be drawing a hard line with her about the behaviour, although comments about her own appearance sound silly and like they could be ignored. Where is your dh in all this?

My DH ignores it and rolls his eyes or laughs. That's why she talks to me about it.

OP posts:
Katemax82 · 12/07/2025 08:02

JustJoinedRightNow · 12/07/2025 04:55

I can't believe she honestly thinks people think she is your 7yo's mum!! She's bonkers

When my mum was 69 she was hospitalised, she was asked if she could be pregnant as they thought she was in her 40s! She was morbidly obese so not a milf or anything

thepariscrimefiles · 12/07/2025 07:54

Mummypie21 · 12/07/2025 07:48

She also comments on my appearance which I don't appreciate. She will say things like 'I was so much slimmer than you when I was your age'. (I'm a size 10 and she's a size 8). Or 'if you wore heels, we'd be the same height' (she's 5'3 so a couple of inches taller than me).

She is self-obsessed and rude. You see far too much of her. You need to cut down the visits. Once a week is plenty. Don't worry about offending her as she doesn't care if she offends you.

Is she like this with other people? I'm assuming that she spends so much time with you because she doesn't have many friend as who wants to spend time with someone whose only topic of conversation is how gorgeous she is (when she really really isn't). People must laugh at her behind her back.

LurkyMcLurkinson · 12/07/2025 07:53

Your younger child shouldn’t need to be resilient when it comes to how family members talk about him. I’d be drawing a hard line with her about the behaviour, although comments about her own appearance sound silly and like they could be ignored. Where is your dh in all this?

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