Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL Teaching criticism

191 replies

Teachingquestion · 11/07/2025 19:35

I love my SIL . We grew up together. Her and my brother have 2 sons with autism. One hasn't been back to school since Covid and they can't get him out of his room really, he's nocturnal etc. Very difficult to get help for him too due to system failures. Youngest is currently in y9, attending 50% ish
I'm a teacher, previously in SEND , now in a mainstream core subject.
My SIL is struggling and as time goes on, it's clear she is autistic also.
The problem I've got is she regularly slags off everything to do with school. Even perfectly normal things are met with "well that's fucking stupid"
The problem is, I'm often involved in similar things at my school. A recent example would be the year 8 reward disco. In order to attend, students had to have had no demerits for poor behaviour, this is part of our behaviour improvement plan and has been working well.
My problem is not what she thinks , she can think whatever, and her personal circumstances mean she is more angry obviously. However she gives NO thought to how I might feel having my job picked apart and criticised all the time. It doesn't help that I'm tired and peri menopausal but it's really upsetting me. How can I broach it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Teachingquestion · 11/07/2025 20:17

Sirzy · 11/07/2025 20:16

Read that again though you want her to take your feelings into account but are you taking hers into account? Her feelings could actually help you improve as a practitioner if you listen to them and take them on board.

Show quote history

I do take her feelings into account, I love her and my nephews.

OP posts:
Original poster
Teachingquestion · 11/07/2025 20:16

Yeah I sort of gently push back and say "hey remember I'm a teacher" and she sort of athen expects me to join in and also criticise.
I do try to stay off the subject , however as you can imagine, the family chat often includes updates on the boys so it's hard to avoid

OP posts:
Sirzy · 11/07/2025 20:16

Teachingquestion · 11/07/2025 20:15

I have no power over stuff like that
As a SEND teacher previously I do appreciate it, bur also a mainstream school struggles to adapt adequately for every student.
This is missing thr point though, it is more about her relating to me and taking my feelings into account

Show quote history

Read that again though you want her to take your feelings into account but are you taking hers into account? Her feelings could actually help you improve as a practitioner if you listen to them and take them on board.

Original poster
Teachingquestion · 11/07/2025 20:15

Sirzy · 11/07/2025 20:06

Have you thought about listening to her criticism and seeing if they can be taken into account to help those pupils who do struggle? The fact you think a blanket policy like that is necessary means perhaps some consideration of the other views may help you as a practitioner?

I have no power over stuff like that
As a SEND teacher previously I do appreciate it, bur also a mainstream school struggles to adapt adequately for every student.
This is missing thr point though, it is more about her relating to me and taking my feelings into account

OP posts:
MonteStory · 11/07/2025 20:15

Have you ever tried broaching it, even slightly?
”teachers are so stupid”
”I’m a teacher”

Her reaction to that tells you whether it’s worth pursuing.

As some posters have already hinted at, you may have to accept that she DOES group you in with ‘fucking teachers’ and thinks policies like ‘single demerit = no disco’ are shit. Will this destroy your relationship? It could be better to say nothing.

WhenYouSayNothingAtAll · 11/07/2025 20:13

You can either try and explain it nicely and sympathetically from your/an educator’s point of view or you need to stop taking things so personally. Her rage is , rightly or wrongly, against the system.

TinyTempest · 11/07/2025 20:09

Your job is nothing to do with her though.

She's entitled to think it's all stupid and you're entitled to think it's not 🤷‍♂️

Just stay off the subject of schools.

Sirzy · 11/07/2025 20:06

Have you thought about listening to her criticism and seeing if they can be taken into account to help those pupils who do struggle? The fact you think a blanket policy like that is necessary means perhaps some consideration of the other views may help you as a practitioner?

Original poster
Teachingquestion · 11/07/2025 20:06

Sirzy · 11/07/2025 19:51

To be fair a blanket “no negative points” is unfair to those who have struggles because sometimes these things happen. It’s also a bit daft because if a child gets one negative point in week one then where the motivation to not get more? (And I say that as someone who works in a school!)

Also this is just one example, she'll criticise everything all the time.
And lots of it is down to the ND of her children. Taking things literally etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Teachingquestion · 11/07/2025 20:04

I really do love her dearly. And I can also see that school doesn't work for some children and I know that the support for those children has dwindled significantly.
I think what hurts is that she NEVER connects that I am one of the "fucking idiots" she's talking about.

OP posts:
Original poster
Teachingquestion · 11/07/2025 20:02

Sirzy · 11/07/2025 19:51

To be fair a blanket “no negative points” is unfair to those who have struggles because sometimes these things happen. It’s also a bit daft because if a child gets one negative point in week one then where the motivation to not get more? (And I say that as someone who works in a school!)

It's not a perfect system but in our school it's a necessary starting point

OP posts:
Sirzy · 11/07/2025 19:51

To be fair a blanket “no negative points” is unfair to those who have struggles because sometimes these things happen. It’s also a bit daft because if a child gets one negative point in week one then where the motivation to not get more? (And I say that as someone who works in a school!)

ConfusedSloth · 11/07/2025 19:50

I feel for you OP.

I have a job that my think it's perfectly fine to slag off constantly. I don't know how to handle it either - but it sucks when people who are on the other side of things think that they can criticise the job you do and that it doesn't count as criticising you personally. It's really rude but she's not going to realise that. If I were you, I'd point-blank refuse to engage on the topic of school. If she wants advice, don't engage. If she wants to complain, don't engage.

wizzywig · 11/07/2025 19:49

I don't envy you op. It's obviously easier for her to focus on school being the reason for any issues rather than the possibility that she/ her kids have a role.

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 11/07/2025 19:46

I wouldn't broach it because she won't change. She has a very negative opinion about education and that's not going to change. Avoid talking to her about work completely. If she asks, be very vague, "work stuff" and leave it at that.
The other option is, when she criticises some aspect, you could say, quietly, "that's part of my job. I like doing it." However, I suspect she'll continue to badmouth education.

Bluevelvetsofa · 11/07/2025 19:44

If school doesn’t work for her children, she’s going to be critical of schools, because her experience is that they aren’t meeting the needs of her children.

You're a teacher, so you’re going to defend your profession. You know how hard (most) teachers work and you know how easy it is for teaching and schools to be criticised.

I don’t think you’ll change her mind because she is thinking of her own circumstances and not your profession.

To keep your sanity, just smile and nod and try to avoid discussion about school. Or go somewhere and shout loudly into the void!