SIL Teaching criticism

No. You don’t even bring that up. You are more or less telling her you support a system that would banish her kids from a treat because they can’t behave like a NT child.

Know your audience.

Don't comment on anything she says about schooling on the family chat. Say nothing.

You can't change her.

Why does the trip policy of your school come up in family updates?

So why are you so upset that she’s pointed this out and is upset and angry that it’s failed and harmed her children?

It would probably be similar to a police officer constantly hearing their family moan about the police. It would be tough

But why would it be unless their skin is so thin they're in danger of dissolving in the shower?

The police affects everyone, therefore everyone is entitled to have a moan.

They don't need to tiptoe round anyone just because they've chosen to earn a living from it.

The thing is, she is not angry at you, she is angry at a crap system that has let her kids down. Why on earth would you even be discussing the policy of "badly behaved" kids not being allowed go to the disco? Surely you know that is going to rile her up. It does seem like you do support the system from the way you write. If she found out about it another way, would it not be kinder to say, yes, I know that is a crap way of doing it and it's not fair on some children but my hands are tied but I do totally understand where you are coming from.

If you don't have a ND child you will never understand how utterly soul destroying it is to see your child punished time and time again for something they cannot control. I feel her anger. I understand it, maybe you should put yourself in her shoes and see how you would feel if your kid came in from school crying because "they were not good enough" to go on the trip. It's soul destroying.

She knows you don't make the rules but it does seem like you do support them.

‘Am I also one of those fucking idiots’

and she’ll either fluff an answer, realise she’s rude or get angry with a ‘well obviously not you’

I was going to say the same thing. I too am a social worker and I know how hard my colleagues work in a very broken system. Not helped by often facing criticism from people with very little understanding of the profession, the complexities and constraints on what we’re able to do.

People criticise from their own viewpoint. It’s not personal and it’s not my job to represent a whole profession. There are good and bad social workers, good and bad practice and good and bad practice settings. Accepting an imperfect situation helps to make it feel less personal.

Your sisters children will be impacted by their school experience, it will impact their choices and chances in life. Her viewpoint is that they have been let down by the education system, including the teaching profession. All you can do is empathise with her and remind yourself it’s not personal.

When you have an autistic child it can be very difficult to stay positive about school, because lots of stuff that schools do as standard hurt autistic kids.

No demerits to attend a school disco is cruel for children who are disregulated by the school environment alone, before any of the other school day stressors occur. It may be a starting point but there should be reasonable adjustments in place to offer an equal playing field, otherwise it’s just more shit that harms them.

Your SIL is autistic. She's under massive stress. School isn't working for her kids and she wants it to. You're expecting to much of her. I doubt that she can see anything school related, objectively

I'm a retired teacher and I found it hugely dispiriting to constantly be complained about by the general public, who thought they could do my job better, despite not having a clue about what it actually entailed. So I absolutely get how hard it must be to get the same thing happening in your family life.

But I doubt she can help herself. I'd just respond with either 'you must find that frustrating' or 'I'm a teacher. I do the best I can every day'.

I think it might help if you accept that schools do make many mistakes and are failing many children. The example you give is a perfect example of how schools penalise children who don't fit in the little box schools want them to fit in.
I'm a social worker so I'm also in a profession that gets a lot of criticism and I used to get quite upset with it as I knew me and my colleagues were working so hard. However, I am working in a broken system and working with people is very complex so there is no quick fixes. As soon as I started to admit to myself that mistakes are made in my profession and was able to reflect and realise I have also made mistakes it was easier to hear the criticism of the profession. I actually find it really useful to engage in conversations about it and think about how things could be better.

so what about the kids like my dsd? I guarantee there are children in your school struggling and going through traumatic situations causing them to misbehave even if you don’t know about it.

It sounds like you support this. Surely you can see that some kids will not be able to adhere to this because they are ND, so they are literally excluded for something they cannot help. That is a shit system.

but It’s the same system. Who knows what’s going on for the kids at ops school who got a demerit and now can’t go to the reward disco. If op didn’t set the system up and can’t control it then she isn’t being criticised, sil is criticising the unfair policy and she’s right.

OP I hear you. I think a lot of people are missing the point. She is criticising the system you are part of without any concern for your feelings. The constant bashing would upset me too.
it would be like if you were a police officer and someone criticising the whole force because theee are some laws they don’t like. The police don’t have control over what laws are put in place, but they do have to uphold them.

But it’s the exact same system your Sil criticised and you’ve defended? Anyone with a behavioural point didn't get the special treat, who does that help?