SIL Teaching criticism

Yes …. but since an adhd diagnosis is only suggested and given after these behaviours … children not yet diagnosed will be penalised by such a rule.

A teacher would not dream of punishing a child with Dyslexia because they did not do well on a spelling test - but kids with adhd who may have exec function problems and forget things / or impulsivity problems and like you suggested might shout out / or trouble sitting still and listening …. all punishable.

absolutely SIL should reign it in, but if she is unaware of how OP feels inside, then how is she supposed to know she is offending her by ranting about her own personal circumstances. OP's own family haven't even picked up on it either!

If OP is actively making the situation worse by jumping to defend the very system that SIL is angry with, then OP DOES need to stop doing it IMO, as it isn't helping either of them and just drags it out.. SIL isn't aiming it at OP and seems oblivious to how OP feels, but OP coming in with an opposing standpoint/defence everytime instead of just commiserating with SILs struggles just winds SIL up even more and the loop continues.

The cycle needs breaking, either with a bit of honest communication or if that is not possible, just not engaging with it, to let it naturally fizzle out then move on to something else.

Urgh mumsnet.

OP, I hear you. I'm not a teacher, but I have a kid being bullied by an ND boy who has had the hardest time in his own life. As much as I'm sympathetic, I am not going to accept him physically assaulting my son on a regular basis, so I have given the school hell. I think his teachers have an extremely hard time trying to figure this out, so they also have my sympathy. I imagine it's harder for the kid more than anyone tbh, but the fact is, that's not my primary concern.

I couldn't be a teacher. I imagine it's very hard to go home and feel attacked after dealing with stuff like that. Honestly, tough love is love. Just walk away when it starts getting to you. If you'd rather address it, just be honest with her about how you feel. Maybe a natural 'middle ground' can be formed between you both of both if you are honest with each other.

That wasn't the one you quoted though?

You quoted the post where I very much said 'me' and I put it in bold...

This completely depends.

A lot of schools simply do not award sanctions for behaviours that are linked to SEN - i.e. if a child with ADHD regularly shouts out in class because of his ADHD then that wouldn't be sanctioned in any way. I've known systems where any points are reviewed by SENCo, for example, and removed if they're in error for behaviours that are related to their SEN.

These 'rewards' will always always have a review and discussion.

Without knowing the actual situation and process, we can't know this is an unfair system.

I have two disabled DCs but I've also been a teacher - so I've seen both sides of the coin here.

Sorry I can’t get past the you used to work in send yet think “In order to attend, students had to have had no demerits for poor behaviour” is a good idea. You literally have to have poor behaviour as examples of adhd traits for a kid to be diagnosed with adhd

Your sister in law doesnt have to like your profession, but she does need to show you respect as a member of the family. She needs to at least respect that you work hard at your job and are proud of it, and you also must have worked hard to get where you are. If she can’t show that respect then I’d just stop talking about your job when she’s around.

I don’t agree with all of these. It should be equal - she gets to vent and add to the OPs mental load and the OP should just take that and take herself away? It sounds constant and repetitively boring from SiL so maybe she should reign it in?

SIL, I appreciate that you’ve had tough times with school but they really are trying their best the majority of the time. I actually find it really offensive that you slag off a whole profession, of which I am part of, with no regard to how hard I work and the dedication I apply to my role within the constraints I am given. Yes, it has not worked for your children and I understand it may be hard to see past that but the vast majority of children do thrive under my care and I would prefer it if you could remember that.

Alternatively, a massive eye roll with a huge sigh and “not this again. Schools. Moan moan moan but I don’t see you doing any better”

pick your poison!

I think it’s probably like a pp said, your SIL probably does think it’s nothing to do with you because she loves and respects you and knows you’re not (in her head) one of the teachers she’s slagging off. My family were really shocked that I would be upset over it all and were like “but of course when we’re talking about it we don’t mean YOU, we KNOW you’re not like that at all”. It did help me for them to specifically spell that out!

It’s just hard being everybody’s “punchbag” as a pp said when your whole profession is already super stressed and exhausted and demoralised as it is.

Then maybe you are doing too good a job of defending, so no one has noticed how much it bothers you! Have you got anyone else in the family that could intervene in a non confrontational way on your behalf if you told them the issue? I'm the one in my family who will normally pick up on any discomfort, and I go out of my way to covertly steer the subject away from anyone getting a bit too opinionated/twattish.

If what you have said here is true, it does sound like you offering advice or defending teachers/schools in general etc is going to make the conversation escalate rather than fizzle out so you probably need to ignore anything she says instead and see if it makes a difference to the outcome?

Do not tell her not to talk about it as you get enough during the week like mentioned above though.. that's really rude and she obviously wants to vent with her family and should be allowed to do that, but there's nothing to stop you leaving the room or changing the subject yourself.

No, it's not what you did.

You said: The way you've explained and discussed the 'situation', comes across as though you think you're someone who must be revered at all costs, because of what you choose to do for a living.

No bold. No "me".

Despite quoting my post, you failed to spot the word 'me' was in bold.

"State how she's come across to you? Sure."

Good, because that's exactly what I did, wasn't it?

It's also not for you to decide how OP has come across. State how she's come across to you? Sure. But not how she's come across in general. I don't think she's come across like you've suggested at all - I honestly have no idea how you formed that opinion but you do you.

I could say how you've come across to me, but I won't. Because it's not relevant to the thread and it'd be hurtful. Perhaps model that?

OP, let it go over your head. She obviously loves you and enjoys spending time with you. Try to look at it objectively rather than taking it personally. You know you work hard and are a good teacher. She knows that too. She’s understandably going to be defensive when it comes to school policies that would discriminate against her kids.

To be fair you did claim in your OP that "It's clear that she is autistic also".

The problem with that scenario, if it is pretty accurate like you say? Is that you are going on the defence of the teachers/situation as a teacher, instead of just commiserating with her as a SIL that it must be hard for her.

She is complaining and you are automatically defending.. But she isn't complaining about you, she's complaining about the system as she experiences it.

Maybe you need to change your tack, and just sympathise with her struggles instead of leaping to defend anything you perceive as a dig, you may find she tries less hard to make it an issue if you aren't there giving as good as you get.

What are the rest of your family doing while this is going on? does no one else ever tell her it's inappropriate to slag off teachers while you sit right there?

Nothing I've said has suggested that.

I don't think that's for you to decide really?

You come across to others how you come across 🤷‍♂️

And that's how you come across to me when you keep mentioning your 'feelings are hurt' when it's not about you.

Teachers work hard but they have 0 will power dealing with bullies. May be she is very angry due to what happened to her kids. I would not be able to claim my sister in law is autistic without having seen a diagnosis