To wonder if you ever get over being left for OW

Exactly what happened to my friend poverty wise. Ex planned everything. Took out second mortgage on house. Didn't pay the tax bills or the vat bills.Didnt make the car payments Emptied every account and fled abroad with the OW.

She was brassic. Friends rallied round with food. She sold furniture. Dealt with the tax man etc. it was absolute hell.

She went to stay with a friend in the USA and slowly rebuilt her life there. Her health was never the same and her trusting nature was gone.

30 years with a very special man who adores her have helped. But she's had some dark times over the years.

We said @HopscotchBanana. I truly think @arethereanyleftatallis a thoughtless knob

I’ve got a friend like that. She’s kept it up for over 40 years too. I just think it’s sad. She could have had years of a lovely new relationship if she wasn’t so bitter.

Ah, gotcha.

So after you've put your everything into a relationship, a marriage, building a home, paying the mortgage for your life together, choosing the other half that your children will be, living and tailoring your life building towards a joint future for your family.... He turns round and says "I'm leaving you for Sandra at the office" and the obvious response is "Why would I be sad? He's obviously an arsehole, so that's that"

Wake the fuck up. People lose homes, families, full custody of their children, finances, their expected future. It's not ok because "well he's a dickhead though."

I have women at my charity, in food crisis, fuel crisis, housing crisis because they've been left high and dry with all the children. I'll just ask them why they're sad shall I?

Then there's the known abuse, gaslighting, and all that hideousness that tends to go hand in hand with affairs and their cover ups. Slowly chipping at someone's mental state, making them think they're going crazy. But it's ok, move on, because it turns out "he's an arsehole"

My mum never did. She was bitter and angry about it for 50 years afterwards.

My mil was bitter 50 years on … what a waste…

Did I ever get over it?

Yes!

I was devastated at the time, got signed off work. He went off with secretary. Wallowed in self pity for a few weeks then decided that was enough of that and I have the rest of my life ahead of me and it's waiting for me to join in.

That isn't to say I didn't have moments of being upset or worried, because I did, probably for about 12 months. But it became less and less and 18 months later I was in a new job and earning more. It was a much longer commute and so I probably wouldn't have considered it if I was still with ex-H. I had my own place and was enjoying being single.

There were no kids involved, which I accept did help matters.

There comes a day when you just don't care or give it a thought. Mine did me the biggest favour ever, I didn't think it at the time. He had to step up take a share of the kids who he'd never shown much interest in tbh. He eventually split from ap, apparently he could live without her after all!!

My mother-in-law did, but it took a long time. In-laws are now very friendly and we all have big family events together, it's wonderful for DH. It took a long time though, and my impression is that she essentially let go of all the negative memories. He didn't apologise, he didn't see what an arse he'd been, there was no big reconciliation talk. She just seemed to let it all go one day.

Eventually you come to accept things. It's all fair and we'll saying you're shot of him and you skip off in the future without them.
But it's more accepting that you were so badly let down by someone you had so much trust in.

In my experience, yes you can get over the betrayal, but chances are you will not ever have that same level of trust.

I hope you are okay OP.

Ah, that makes more sense. I think I think more literally/black & white than others, given the response to my taking the op literally.

You don't necessarily think they cheated because there's something wrong with you but it's common to wonder how you were so wrong in your assessment of them. You doubt your own judgement.

I've been left twice. One was decades ago and I'm still not completely over it. But as pp you learn to live with it. I think the only time I "got over it" was when I met someone else that I fell in love with but when he left me (the second time I've been left) the feelings from being left the first time came back and they have lingered many years later.

For me I think it will only go away if I meet someone else that's amazing (I've dated since but none turned serious) to make me "forget" the pain of being left before. I'm old and ugly now, so that won't happen so I just get on with it and live with the pain. 😂

I was heartbroken for a few months. Then met my now DP and I want to thank the OW for taking a selfish, arrogant, abusive arsehole off my hands. Occasionally she will actually allude to his temper/selfishness etc and I've managed to perfect a look of sympathy while laughing my arse off in my head.

My DP is amazing, raised my three children (10mths, 2 and 6 when we met) as his own and he still gives me butterflies. He made me realised what it really felt like to be loved.

If she hadn't taken the arsehole ExH off my hands I would probably be in a miserable marriage that I almost certainly wouldn't have left because of the children.

The only thing I still resent is the damage it did to my career. Apart from that I'm all good.

I laughed about loud at the question, not the ops predicament. The idea that I wouldn’t get over it, is funny, yes. That was how the question was phrased - do ‘you’. If the op has said ‘I’m super sad that my arsehole ex husband has shown me that he’s an arsehole, any ideas how to get over it,’ then that would be different.

Well I suppose he was the partner OP has a live and kids with. Massive change and betrayal. I think it's pretty normal to be upset and hurt rather than most being in a celebratory mood. You don't know what the implications are for the OP. They can be huge and live changing for her and her DC.

My friend's lovely mum never got over it, and she lived till she was 90. She referred to her ex as "that bastard" and the OW as "that bitch" to her dying day.

She was in her 30s when "that bastard" left her for his secretary, so she kept it up for over 50 years.

I think you have to work very hard at it op. But your choices are work hard at it or don’t get over it … so a no brainier really… my mum never got over it… still waffles on about my dad who left her over 30 years ago…. Depressing really.

i have been left twice… I am totally over the first one, genuinely can’t see what I saw in him.. but I jumped straight into another relationship and that has now gone very badly wrong…. Suffering now… but working on it and telling myself that in a few years I won’t care… and just letting myself have the feelings now…. But it’s hard. Good luck op!

Do you have any emotional intelligence at all?

this poster is clearly a child who has never had a real relationship end like this. They’re rage baiting

You are aware of the concept of self-doubt right?

And of course you would be upset/hurt if this happened because you have been betrayed by someone you gave your life to…you can be sad and angry at the same time you know.

Horrible for about 6 months. Good co parenting relationship now and just feel sorry for the new wife because he’ll do it again.

18 months on I still haven't got over it. But I've learnt to live with it.

I can understand that it would take some longer than others for the penny to drop that theyre an arsehole. But forever/years when you literally have the information to hand that they’re selfish and liars?

I remember Bob Geldof talking about Paula Yates, he said she was leaving him and he said she was talking to him and it looked like her body and her face, but he didn’t recognise her any more.

It’s a lot to take in if you are shocked by the affair and the betrayal but, as I said I would not be shocked or surprised.