To wonder if you ever get over being left for OW

Years later and a lot of working on myself I don’t miss him one bit. I pity him jumping from boyfriend to boyfriend. I have moved on and don’t want him anywhere near me. Took me nearly 7 years to realise I gained freedom and happiness. Sending hugs. You will get there eventually! Grieve and move on. Be kind to yourself. It hurts so much it’s painful but good things are coming your way. The storm will pass.

I don’t feel like my divorce is any great loss - he was a cowardly, lying, cheating arsehole who was also a gaslighting narcissist.
But, I have also realised that I am now afraid of making a man angry with me. (I always had to make arrangements from takeaways to holidays and there was always something he found to criticise.)
I would love to meet a man who will be loving and want to take care of me but time is running out.
I have learnt to be independent and try to be happy with the things in my life that bring me joy.
Finding someone to be with in the later years of my life would be a bonus, but I’m not counting on it.

Soidarity. I have PTSD. That takes a while to deal with.

You don't have to forgive him, people say it will make you feel better but it doesn't always. It would just absolve him of his wrongdoing in my eyes.

I was jilted over 30 years ago if that counts. It changed me forever, made me more cynical but I was lucky enough to marry a much better man, the DH

How can you possibly not understand?

If my husband left me for another woman tomorrow I would be beyond devastated. Not only do I love him but he is also my best friend, I tell him everything and I've got the rest of our lives planned out in my head. If he just upped and left and moved straight in with another woman it wouldn't be possible for me to just shrug my shoulders and crack on, my entire life would be turned upside down

10 years post ow and couldn’t be happier. They’re getting divorced, I’m living with a nice man

FWIW (I’ve never been left nor have I been the other woman) hold your head high. Your DH is a scumbag and the OW is a tramp.

sending love and hugs. It’s grief but like all grief it will pass in time.

I'm about six weeks in I think and I'm often positive and ok now. I keep repeating something I read - this is who I'm sad about? I repeat that to myself whenever I start to feel nostalgic - that's the other thing that has really comforted me; that a lot of my sadness comes from nostalgia, from what it was (or I thought it was) not what it actually was. He didn't love me anymore, that was gone, and frankly I am now old enough and wise enough to know that the kind of man who would do that to his family is just not a man I want in my life.

Taking control helps - getting a job, sorting child care, washing the car myself (he would never have done that but did take it to the car wash for me!!) I think there will always be a scar there, and as long as they are together that scar will ache, but fuck me she's welcome to the spineless shit. I wouldn't want him back, not him. I wish he had carried on loving me like he did, but then actually I think, he didn't love me enough anyway. I don't think he is capable of the kind of love I want. I keep making myself think positively, I talk to myself nicely, and I breathe a lot.

You've got this OP, don't let it eat you up. He's a shit man making shit choices and so is she - hence the choice of a very shit man! Anyone who actively chooses a man who has such awful morals is not a stable and happy individual, not really.

Most cheaters have all sorts of other issues as a life partner. Not pulling their weight etc. You don’t have to put up with him any more, or his sneaking around.

Me too......I soon realised I was better off.
She was welcome to him!!!

Interesting thread. I empathise with the women who couldn’t let go of their anger. I have moved on, I have a fulfilling life and had a meaningful relationship with a new man which has only ended recently (amicably). But I still hate my ex deeply. Is that bad? Moving on doesn’t have to mean forgiving him. He treated me terribly. He was selfish and thoughtless and still is. Many years on. I will mull on the previous posts but as things stand I can’t see myself ever forgiving him.

@CuteOrangeElephant what a waste of your mothers life. Your dad just did what he wanted and don’t think too much, the women in his life thought too much. I read holding on to anger like that is like holding on to burning coal, it just hurts you.

And for the original response, I enjoyed that and thought it was in good spirits. It was lovely to see and optimistic and positive reply first. It made me laugh too. Thanks x

10 months in, currently and I'm shoving him into less and less brain space. 30+ years.

My mother never got over it. She is still extremely bitter about it all twenty years on, never found anyone else and my father is still a favourite topic of conversation.

My father proceeded to get married again (not to the OW!), and cheated on his second wife and fathered a secret child. They are now also divorced.

My mother and his second wife have now started to have regular meetups. They are both still furious, and whilst I do think they have every right to be very angry at my father, I don't think this is healthy for either of them.

It has ruined my mother's life.

Being cheated on after years of marriage when you thought you would be with someone forever, you don't just get over it because your ex is an arsehole.

Some people have read the op a different way to me.

I read it as a question inviting responses of own experiences.

Thus I gave mine. My experience has been overwhelmingly positive following my ex having an affair. I prefer being single. I don’t have money worries. He’s been a great coparent. My kids are happy. No, I am not remotely upset that he is with the ow. In fact, I feel a bit sorry for them both, they’re not remotely suited.

i thought sharing positive stories is what the op wanted/needed to hear.

others read the op differently. They read it as a desire for solidarity, inviting only responses from those who haven’t experienced it positively.

I don’t doubt for one second that for some, their husband having an affair and leaving is horrible. That’s obvious. That’s not the question I thought I was responding to.

I did miss one bit of the op though, for which I apologise, but it was because my instant thought was ‘god, I’m so happy he did’ that I rushed to respond. The bit I missed was ‘he left for the OW. ‘ For me, I initiated our split on finding out. That’s maybe different, but I think I would have seen the bright side of it fairly swiftly either way, I always do.

I found it relatively 'easy' in that I just lost all love and respect for my then OH the second he went down that path. And I almost feel sorry for any woman who knowingly hooks up with a married man (because clearly you have no sense / self-respect??? Why do want a bloke with proven form for lies and sexual incontinence?). But I'm 100% unapologetically judgey about cheaters & their partners😂

You do get over it OP. It takes a while to process it. It’s not a simple getting-better process, lots of ups and downs. But time really does heal things. For me, it took 3 and a half years to get over it. Relationship had been 20 years. Lots of those 3 and a half years had happy parts but I was fundamentally unstable and worried if I would ever feel safe and stable again. I can assure you these frightening feelings will pass. You will be fine. Hold tight to your children, caring for them kept me strong. I hope you have good friends and family.

It sort of depends what you mean by get over it.

I am now pleased the OW came along as that’s the only reason he would have left as he wouldn’t have wanted to be alone and we’d have been miserable (I know I could have left but I wouldn’t have done).

I am much happier in my relationship now.

But I am still damaged by the lies he told. I find it much harder to trust now.

His actions still annoy me at times so I can’t be ambivalent. If we didn’t have DC then I would never have had to have any interactions again but having DC can tie you together for life.

I’m sorry you are going through this and usually it does get better. Life is short so you have to make the best of the hand you are drawn.

You definitely can. The hard thing is that whether you do or not is completely in your hands ♥️🫂

Perhaps you're missing an empathy microchip?
I'd explain it, but without the ability to empathize with people who don't see things the way you do, you probably wouldn't understand the explanation either.

Wonderful post.

😭😭😭🤣🤣🤣🤣 this made me LAUGH

Actually, no it isn’t. OP you I was also very soon glad to see the back of cheating/ nasty ex.

Of course you can not switch off emotions, but you absolutely can make the choice that this will not ruin you. Make that choice.