To wonder if you ever get over being left for OW

Happened to me 2 years ago. Lied through his teeth and it took a few weeks to find out the truth. He moved straight in with her. I still haven't met her despite my kids knowing her for a year but I'm not sure I need to. He picks up and drops off. My anger is all about how I have to spend less time with my kids because of him. I cant stand him. He is a useless lump, but I can't forgive taking my time with the kids away.
My biggest issue now is I cannot see any circumstances where I will meet someone else. I have my own house, a good pension etc, so would worry about someone getting their hands on that. I have daughters, and in my job I have heard so many stories about abuse from step dads but also mums putting their partners first, so can't risk that. So in my mid 40s I'm coming to terms with being on my own. I never want to have to look after another man to the point I'm losing myself and I think most men want that. So I'm angry about that. Im angry at my lack of freedom compared to him - I do everything for kids and he is disney dad. BUT I'm glad I dont live with him anymore. He was a deadweight. I would have put up with it for life as family is so important. I just need something in my life that isn't work and kids (I'm out a lot with friends but wish I had a hobby I loved)

Of course you understand that people can't just turn their emotions off like a tap 🙄

This. That's what I hate the most. The loss of trust in anyone. If HE could do that, anyone could. It changes you.

@Humpbackk as someone else said, you don't really 'get over it' you learn to live along side it. You will xx

And yes I been through this

Yes you do and the easiest way is to accept you were never meant to be

I agree. The only pain that's comparable is the death of somebody close to you.

Its important for everyone here to remember that we didn't ask for this and didn't deserve to be cheated on by some scumbag who decided the grass was greener. We gave our love, bodies, money, time and in lots of cases our mental wellbeing only to be discarded.

It is NOT your fault. You ARE wonderful.

I'm 5 weeks in from total discard after 3 months of hell when I found out but he kept lying.

I was in shock for the first week. I could barely move my legs. The second, third and 4th week I was near wanting to top myself due to grief, pain, probably a bit of envy and intense sadness. The fifth week has been spent trying to sort logistics and that has proved hard since we are no contact and I've had to go through a third party. The separation is now final. I have no reason to encounter him again. In theory he should now be living his best life with the OW and neither of them should be interested in me.

No contact is so very, very hard but after the initial shock and hurt subsides it does get easier. I think that having uncovered (through my own records) the whole thing after he left has given me all the closure and clarity. His deception was purely opportunistic and nothing to do with me despite him trying to spin it the other way.

The only thing I struggle with sometimes is how the man I fell deeply in love with wasn't real. He was a mask. I love the man who he presented so much, yet I can't let this define me. I find myself talking to AI a lot to help me talk things over.

He's done me a favour as I can move on and be with my children. I can breathe and be at peace. In time someone else will enter my life and he will be better for me. I may be emotionally bruised, have no social media, none of our mutual friends have stuck by me but I'm safe and free. Its such an awful shock and my therapy bill is astronomical but it gets easier each day. Our life experiences change us, I will never get over it in the sense that I will never work so hard for a man again. Mentally, I must carry on for my children. They need me much more than I need to be reminded of being discarded.

I hope everyone who needs it finds the peace and strength to get through being cheated on. I have never experienced pain like it, I hope never to again.

To anyone dealing with this, chumplady.com can help tremendously.
You'll find support, great advice and lots of laughs. Chump Lady deals with the topic in a unique and hilarious way and it's the best place to talk trash about a cheater ever. There are fun activities such as the annual Valentine's Day cheater poetry contest, there's also a book and a podcast. They even had a conference last fall.

I think it depends on the person, how resilient they are in general. Some people go through horrific trauma and come out the other side healed and some don't. This also applies to being left for OW.

Music helps start with Eamon fuck it on repeat.
Love your self even when you dont want to.
Feel what you feel and allow it.
Remind yourself they are just feelings and one day he will become unimportant to you.
Your worth more and no matter what you will not have him back.

❤️

I don't think it costs you to carry hate. That idea comes from the Christian notion that forgiveness is good for the soul. Why forgive somebody who isn't even sorry? What's good for the soul is getting rid of the scumbag in the first place. I'll never forgive my ex, but I'm indifferent to him, which of course is the opposite of love. To either hate him or forgive him would be using emotional energy that he's not worth.
But I always say go ahead and hate the bastard if it works for you. It's satisfying for a lot of people to hate those who mistreated them.

I know someone 20 plus years after, still not over it, still on ADs and therapy and even married again to someone else.

What a waste. She was still young in her 30s and could have moved in and had a life with someone else.

This is partly why I’ve never believed in marriage. I don’t think that you can promise to love someone forever. People grow and change so much throughout their lives, virtually everyone I know who married young, divorced in their 40s. People who get married expecting to be with the same person forever are usually setting themselves up for disappointment. It rarely seems to work out that way these days.

Clearly not huh!

No I don't think you do unless something happens like him and OH don't work out and he ends up alone with nothing, OW cheats on him, he cheats on her etc. If all seems all happy happy then you'd feel left behind questioning what's wrong with you and why you were cast aside.

She laughed at how quickly SHE 'got over it' NOT at the OP being cheated on.

🙄

The best revenge is to thrive. That is all .

I have two failed marriages due to 2 x EXHs infidelities 27 years and 6 years ago. I have got over both and I'm not bitter as time has given me perspective and I can reflect on why they went so wrong. But it changed me. I have no faith in my own judgement, a worry that I was not good enough and financially less secure. What I have gained is peace but that is at the expense of coming to terms with not being able to invest in another relationship and I do feel sad about that.

I was suddenly left for another six months ago. She knew he was with someone so I don't think much of either of them although I got told she has dumped him already. Lol.
I felt awful, but now feel bloody great, I have lost weight, am sleeping much better and socialising more, finding me again.
It must be worse if married or have kids together which thankfully we didn't. You do get over it because it just shows how weak minded he is and how much better you are then him.

8 years later and I still have crying fits and bouts of despair. No kids involved. Not met anyone else.

@Startoftheyear2025 I plan to hate my ex forever, if it helps. I've also moved on with my life and I'm very happy etc. but I've no plans to forgive him. People say it costs you to carry hate but I feel fine about it, he deserves it.

Has it happened to you? It doesn't sound like it?

I don't think you ever properly get over being cheated on in a long marriage or relationship. You move on of course but the scar is there and you don't trust in the same way ever again.

You clearly haven’t walked a mile in my shoes.