AIBU to wonder my manager lied about her daughter’s school?

I think you and she just have different outlooks/different priorities. It is entirely possible for a child to be not academic, not interested in studying and not benefit from a tutor, and yet still be doing really well at a private school that has entry requirements. Those things are not at all mutually exclusive.

I think you are interpreting wrongly

excelling doesn’t mean being academic or interested in studying

my daughter is not academic but she is excelling in her current school in terms of her own advances.

There’s no such thing as a “private grammar” so I suspect we are in a “recollections may vary” scenario

You've changed your wording throughout this post. It starts of that he daughter isn't in to study so there's no point in getting a tutor, then she made it sound like she weren't academic, then she actually said she wasn't academic.
Either you are now lying because you are on the defensive or you don't actually remember what she said.

There’s a private grammar in my nearby city called “city name grammar school”.

It takes pupils from nursery age.

It has its own entrance exams and criteria and is selective at secondary .

So both things she said could equally be true.

Oh dear. She told a slightly different version of her life to you when she wanted advice than to others when she was making small talk.

You have now written her off as dishonest.

does this black and white thinking and obsessive ruminating impact on any other aspects of your life? I don’t know anyone who would give this a second thought. Well that’s wrong - I do. A neighbor who is extremely competitive when it comes to children and school and results and adults and salary levels. If this happened to her she might actually call the police😂🫣😂

If it's private, it's not a grammar school

Oh heavens is this all you want😂.

Sometimes OP people are in different moods which can mean they focus on positives and negatives. So my youngest for example has recently moved schools and he's doing really well and I would give that impression in general chit chat. However I have a friend who has a DS at his previous school, she is not overly happy with things so while I wouldn't lie I might be more likely to mention my DS hates me helping with his homework because I'm not going to brag about a school I know isn't an option for her. Also if DS has just been a bugger I might say something different to if he's been his usual self.

Tbh you seem fairly worked up about something that's really nothing to do with you. Maybe you got the wrong end of the stick when you were talking to your manager and rather than correct you she just went along with what she thought was easier. Would you say you often have these 'issues' with others?

I've also got another child who excels at maths and science but struggles with English (dyslexic) so you can big excel and struggle.

Are you quite competitive? If you are, maybe she doesn’t want to engage with it so plays it down. I do this. I hate other people competing with me.

I never tell anyone at work that I went to private school as it creates a weird reaction in some people. They seem to want to prove a point and start competing against you.

one of my sons

• was not academic,
• did not enjoy studying,
• and there would have been no point getting a tutor.
• (English style) selective grammar schools would not have been on the table at all.
• but he also excelled at a private school that has entrance assessments
• and I would have referred to his school as a “regular school” if asked, although that’s seems an odd turn of phrase. (What is “regular”?)

Exactly which aspects of that came through in discussions with fellow parents at work would have depended entirely on the context of the conversation, what was on my mind at the time, common ground between me and the other parent, previous evenings dinner table discussions at home.

I would have been entirely truthful, but all of it is true (even though it seems contradictory to you) and I wouldn’t have thought to subject someone to a half hour monologue on the exact circumstances of my child’s education.

From the conversation you had you know the child attends a private school and isn’t academically driven at this stage/age.
Early entry tests assessments are really not a good gauge of future educational success, especially those that test at age 4-7-8, most parents will agree that testing at 10-11 still isn’t a great indicator of how clever a child will be in later life.
So a child can easily be at a selective school and not absolutely brilliant years on or simply struggling with the more complex maths and writing requirements.
As time passes you will “learn more”.

We have lots of independent schools locally, that have an exam that y7 need to pass to get a place. So they are technically ‘selective’ but not until y7.
I have never heard of a school that has an exam for children who are in y3 or younger.
Independent schools at prep are not selective and are much cheaper than at secondary.

This is what you don’t seem to understand.

Her daughter could currently be at a great private prep school with ‘grammar’ in the title that is selective at y7. But is also not academic and would not have a chance at the 11plus. And they wouldn’t invest in a tutor.

As private schools don’t always do SATs she may genuinely been interested and many don’t bother with the 11plus as they can afford school fees. She may genuinely have been interested in how the ‘state’ system works.

You have made assumptions. She asked direct questions. You should have asked more questions rather than just assumed.

The most obvious answer here is that you got the wrong end of the stick and seem to have blaming her!

I would assume that her DD is at a fee-paying prep school which is the feeder school for a selective secondary school with its own entrance exam, for which she is being crammed. She doesn't need a tutor and she might not be up to the 11+.

I went to such a secondary school on a direct grant from the lea in the sixties. The pupils from the prep school were as thick as mince, and of course the average IQ plummeted once direct grants were abolished.

It’s not a State Grammar but the word Grammar was incorporated into many private schools. It’s not exclusive to state.

Your boss asked you about SATs and you went on to talk about the 11plus and your dc at Grammar. which is irrelevant. I don’t see the relevance of the 11plus and sats and I think perhaps your boss thought you were bragging. So Gave you minimal information about her kid and moved on. Think that’s how I’d play it.

I don't see any lies? What I see is you creating your own narrative rather than taking her at her word.
Saying your child isn't into school and there's no point in getting a tutor doesn't mean they are at a state school and struggling academically.
I wouldn't get my son a tutor, he doesn't like school. However, he is very intelligent and prefers to learn independently in his own time.
You need to stop making up stories in your head, it could get you in trouble. If you make an assumption based on someone's word you should ask for clarification before deciding what you think is what they actually said.

@Hoppinggreen Ok