AIBU to wonder my manager lied about her daughter’s school?

That might well be the case and if she had said something along those lines, it would have made perfect sense. But she did not.

So when I later heard her say her daughter is at a private grammar school (her words) and excelling, it was not just a confusing detail. It was a completely different version of the situation.

I do not think she needed to tell me everything, but she went beyond being vague or private. She told me something that just was not true and that is what changed how I see her.

That is how she described it when she was talking to someone else.

I just don't understand why she lied.

That is fine if she wants to keep things to herself, but the thing is, she has told me quite a lot about herself in the past. This was not a one off chat. We have had plenty of conversations where she has shared personal details, including about her daughter.

So it is not that she is just private across the board. It is that she gave me one version of events and then gave someone else a completely different one. Yes, maybe now she does not want me to know anything but she has told me a lot already.

That is possible but she has described how her daughter does not want to do any homework and just wants to play games. She won't sit still so there is no point her trying to go to a grammar.

I think of an ordinary school as a typical local state primary. She said her daughter was not clever enough for a grammar school and that she would go to an ordinary school.

At no point did she say her daughter was in a private school, and given the way she described her daughter’s academic ability and school situation, it definitely did not come across as fee-paying.

So when I later heard her saying her daughter is at a private grammar school with entrance assessments and is excelling, it felt like a totally different story. This is not just about definitions, it is about the fact that what she said to me and what she said to someone else were completely different.

She actually used the words ordinary school herself. That was not something I read into. She also said her daughter is not academic, does not enjoy studying, would not be sitting the 11+, and that there is no point in getting a tutor. When someone says all that and describes the school as ordinary, the natural impression is that their child is at a typical non-selective state primary.

So yes, I was surprised to hear her later telling someone else that her daughter is at a private grammar school with entrance assessments and is excelling. I understand that children can do well in different ways and that a school with a 7+ assessment is not the same as passing the 11+. But this is not just about technicalities. It is the fact that she gave two very different versions of her daughter's situation depending on who she was speaking to. That is what does not sit right.

She did lie. This is not just about how someone defines excelling or whether they feel comfortable talking about private school.

She told me directly that her daughter is not academic, not interested in studying, and that there is no point getting a tutor. She also said her daughter is in an ordinary school and would not be doing the 11+. That is a very specific statement and gave a clear picture.

Later, she told someone else her daughter is at a private grammar school with entrance assessments and is excelling. That is not just a matter of keeping quiet about private school. It is two completely different stories.

You can choose not to share something and that is fine. But when you actively give a version of events that is false or misleading, that is lying.

I understand that those things are not always mutually exclusive, and I agree that different people have different priorities. But this is not just a case of different outlooks.

She told me directly that her daughter is not academic, not into studying, and that there is no point getting a tutor. She also said she is in an ordinary school and would not be doing the 11+. She said there was no point her trying to get into a grammar. That gave me a very clear impression of their situation.

Then I hear her telling someone else that her daughter is doing really well at a private grammar school with entry assessments. That is not just a different priority or perspective. It is a completely different version. It is not just a matter of how you define academic success. It is that she told me one thing and told someone else something totally different.

I agree that excelling can mean different things depending on context. But in this case, it was not vague or open to interpretation.

She told me her daughter is not academic, does not enjoy studying, and is in an ordinary school where there is no point getting a tutor and no plan to do the 11+. That gave a very clear picture.

Then she told someone else her daughter is excelling at a private grammar school with entrance assessments. Given the way she completely dismissed any form of her daughter excelling when speaking to me, it felt like a totally different story.

So yes, I do think she was being misleading. It is not just a matter of different definitions of excelling. It is about presenting two very different versions of the situation.