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Original poster

AIBU to wonder my manager lied about her daughter’s school?

392 replies

temptemp2 · 11/07/2025 11:28

Not sure if I’m overthinking this or if something odd is going on.

A while ago, my manager and I were chatting about our kids. She was asking about SATs for her 8-year-old DD. I explained what I knew and also mentioned the 11+ since my DS (14) is at a grammar school and went through the process.
She said her daughter isn’t really into study so there is no point getting a tutor. She made it sound like school isn’t really her thing.

Then just the other day, I overheard her telling someone else at work that her daughter is at a private grammar school. That really threw me, especially after our earlier conversation. I did not say anything, but I felt a bit taken aback.

I get that people do not always share everything, and maybe she didn’t want to go into it before, but it felt like a lie especially after she asked me for info and gave the impression her daughter wouldn’t be doing anything like the 11+. Why say all that if her daughter is already at a private grammar?

AIBU to feel confused and like she was being a bit dishonest?

OP posts:
MikeRafone · 12/07/2025 08:24

temptemp2 · 12/07/2025 08:03

Yes life is fluid and changes but this is in a matter of weeks not years.

Show quote history

Its not black and white

sometimes thing change in a very short space of time

Original poster
temptemp2 · 12/07/2025 08:23

JMSA · 12/07/2025 08:21

I don’t understand. Do you mean to say that she was copying you? If so, that’s some creepy Walter Mitty type behaviour!

No, I am not saying she was copying me. I am saying she gave me one version of her daughter’s situation that turned out not to be true. She asked about SATs, said her daughter would not do well in them, that she was not academic, and there was no point trying for a grammar school.

Then she told someone else her daughter is at a private grammar school and excelling. That is not copying but it is two completely different stories.

OP posts:
Original poster
temptemp2 · 12/07/2025 08:22

Bonsaibaby · 12/07/2025 08:14

Maybe she meant if her daughter had to do SATS she wouldn’t do well in them. Or did she say when my daughter does SATS she will probably not do well?
she may have been looking for reassurance that she’s done the right thing for her daughter paying for private school. And excelling might mean feels happy, my daughter is 8 and excelling doesn’t really mean anything at that age, the more important thing is they’re happy and fulfilled at school.

She said she did not know about SATs and asked me to explain them to her. After I explained how they work, she said, when her daughter does the SATs, she will not do well in them. She also said that is why there is no point doing the 11+ for a grammar school. She said her daughter does not want to study and just wants to play games.

So it was not a hypothetical comment. She spoke as if her daughter would be doing SATs, even though she is in a private school that does not do them.

She went from painting a picture to me of a child who is not interested in school work, with no plans to apply to a grammar school to then telling someone else that her daughter is excelling at a private school. That school also matches up with her daughter’s term having already ended, so it all lines up.

OP posts:
JMSA · 12/07/2025 08:21

I don’t understand. Do you mean to say that she was copying you? If so, that’s some creepy Walter Mitty type behaviour!

Bonsaibaby · 12/07/2025 08:14

Maybe she meant if her daughter had to do SATS she wouldn’t do well in them. Or did she say when my daughter does SATS she will probably not do well?
she may have been looking for reassurance that she’s done the right thing for her daughter paying for private school. And excelling might mean feels happy, my daughter is 8 and excelling doesn’t really mean anything at that age, the more important thing is they’re happy and fulfilled at school.

Original poster
temptemp2 · 12/07/2025 08:07

HeyThereDelila · 12/07/2025 07:37

There’s no such thing as private grammars. There are private schools which are selective and need to pass entrance tests, but grammars are state schools for which you must pass the 11+.

If it was years ago maybe she’s paid for her DD to go private since or she wasn’t being truthful.

It was just a few weeks between the conversations. She said her daughter is happy and well settled at the school.

OP posts:
Original poster
temptemp2 · 12/07/2025 08:06

SwingTheMonkey · 12/07/2025 02:04

How on earth is it unlikely that she doesn’t know her daughter won’t have to sit SATs? She clearly doesn’t have any prior experience having only one child so it’s entirely possible she has heard talk of SATs and thinks her daughter will be doing them when she’s in year 6.

In addition, it’s also entirely possible she played down her daughter’s school and academic achievements because she doesn’t want to come across as bragging to you. I intentionally withhold information on my kids’ school to some people I talk to.

Honestly, I imagine she’d bitterly regret the insignificant office chit chat she engaged in with you if she knew you were obsessing about it like this.

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It is very unlikely that she did not know her daughter would not be sitting SATs. Her daughter is at a private school that does not do them and those schools are very clear with parents about what assessments are or are not part of the curriculum.

On top of that, she is heavily involved in the school, regularly goes to events, and talks about her daughter’s schooling in detail. This is not someone who is disconnected or unaware of what is going on.

So when she said she was worried her daughter might not do well in SATs because she does not enjoy studying and just wants to play games, it came across as completely false because SATs do not even apply to her daughter.

That is not just a case of being vague or avoiding bragging. That is actively presenting a version of things that is not true.

I am not obsessing. I brought it here because the conversation stuck in my mind and I wanted to get outside perspectives. That is the whole point of posting on a mumsnet.

OP posts:
Original poster
temptemp2 · 12/07/2025 08:03

MikeRafone · 12/07/2025 06:53

so it is possible

and again you refer back to a previous comment

you can’t seem to grasp life is fluid and changes.

its beginning to look as if you might only want things in black and white, with grey areas becoming instant lies

Show quote history

Yes life is fluid and changes but this is in a matter of weeks not years.

OP posts:
Original poster
temptemp2 · 12/07/2025 08:02

pharmer · 12/07/2025 07:34

How has she lied??? Her dd is at a private school which has the word 'grammar' in its name. There is no such thing as a junior grammar s hool, nor a private grammar school.

That is the words she used.

OP posts:
HeyThereDelila · 12/07/2025 07:37

There’s no such thing as private grammars. There are private schools which are selective and need to pass entrance tests, but grammars are state schools for which you must pass the 11+.

If it was years ago maybe she’s paid for her DD to go private since or she wasn’t being truthful.

pharmer · 12/07/2025 07:34

How has she lied??? Her dd is at a private school which has the word 'grammar' in its name. There is no such thing as a junior grammar s hool, nor a private grammar school.

MikeRafone · 12/07/2025 06:53

temptemp2 · 11/07/2025 16:57

That is possible but she has described how her daughter does not want to do any homework and just wants to play games. She won't sit still so there is no point her trying to go to a grammar.

Show quote history

so it is possible

and again you refer back to a previous comment

you can’t seem to grasp life is fluid and changes.

its beginning to look as if you might only want things in black and white, with grey areas becoming instant lies

SwingTheMonkey · 12/07/2025 02:04

temptemp2 · 11/07/2025 20:58

All of those are possibilities even if they do seem unlikely.

Show quote history

How on earth is it unlikely that she doesn’t know her daughter won’t have to sit SATs? She clearly doesn’t have any prior experience having only one child so it’s entirely possible she has heard talk of SATs and thinks her daughter will be doing them when she’s in year 6.

In addition, it’s also entirely possible she played down her daughter’s school and academic achievements because she doesn’t want to come across as bragging to you. I intentionally withhold information on my kids’ school to some people I talk to.

Honestly, I imagine she’d bitterly regret the insignificant office chit chat she engaged in with you if she knew you were obsessing about it like this.

SwingTheMonkey · 12/07/2025 01:30

Tillow4ever · 11/07/2025 13:32

I don’t see how this could be oneupmanship as the manager gave op the impression their child was doing worse than her son.

Are you sure you haven’t got your wires crossed in the effort you made to break your neck to shoehorn in how your son is at a grammar school after passing the 11+ when the manager specifically asked you about SAT’s? I’m failing to understand why you brought that up. It sounds more like YOU were bragging and now feel your nose is out of joint thinking her child is at a better school than your DS. Maybe she knows you’re a bit like that and couldn’t be arsed to make it a competition with you.

Edited

Exactly. How is downplaying one’s child’s achievements and the school they attend, an attempt of ‘one upmanship’?

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 11/07/2025 22:15

Three pages of OP's own posts = overly invested.

Hoppinggreen · 11/07/2025 21:50

DrPrunesqualer · 11/07/2025 14:37

It’s not a State Grammar but the word Grammar was incorporated into many private schools. It’s not exclusive to state.

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Yes I know, hence me exactly that upthread

Original poster
temptemp2 · 11/07/2025 20:58

KrisAkabusi · 11/07/2025 20:35

Maybe she doesn't realise she doesn't have to do SATs. Maybe her daughter is planning on changes schools. Maybe she catastrophises about hypothetical situations where her daughter might suddenly have to do them. Maybe the school is doing mock SATs as an experience or an experiment. There are lots of possibilities that do not mean she was lying.

All of those are possibilities even if they do seem unlikely.

OP posts:
Original poster
temptemp2 · 11/07/2025 20:57

DrowningInSyrup · 11/07/2025 20:52

Does anyone else find these threads where the OP won't even consider a different viewpoint utterly infuriating? Why bother posting at all if you can't take anyone else's opinions into account. 10 pages of the OP saying the same thing over and over again.

I’ve repeated myself because I kept getting the same questions and assumptions again and again. I was just clarifying my point each time, not trying to go in circles for the sake of it. If it’s not for you, that’s fine. No one is being forced to read or reply.

OP posts:
DrowningInSyrup · 11/07/2025 20:52

Does anyone else find these threads where the OP won't even consider a different viewpoint utterly infuriating? Why bother posting at all if you can't take anyone else's opinions into account. 10 pages of the OP saying the same thing over and over again.

KrisAkabusi · 11/07/2025 20:35

Maybe she doesn't realise she doesn't have to do SATs. Maybe her daughter is planning on changes schools. Maybe she catastrophises about hypothetical situations where her daughter might suddenly have to do them. Maybe the school is doing mock SATs as an experience or an experiment. There are lots of possibilities that do not mean she was lying.

Original poster
temptemp2 · 11/07/2025 20:25

KrisAkabusi · 11/07/2025 20:17

There is nothing contradictory in this at all, and you just dont get it! It is possible to be at private school and not be academic. And it is a fact that she doesn't have to do SATs. Isn't it more likely that because her daughter doesn't have to do them that the mother might not know much about them? And therefore ask questions of someone who might know something about them?

There are now hundreds of votes and dozens and dozens of posts explaining why your manager can be telling the truth in both conversations, but you seem willfull in your refusal to accept that this is a valid explanation.

Show quote history

What stood out to me was not just that she asked about SATs, but that she said she was worried her daughter would not pass them because she does not like studying and just wants to play games. That is quite a specific concern to raise.

But her daughter is in a private school that does not even do SATs so the whole conversation was a lie. If she knew her daughter would not be sitting them, why act like she was concerned about how she would perform? That is not just asking out of curiosity, that is being untruthful.

OP posts:
DrowningInSyrup · 11/07/2025 20:24

temptemp2 · 11/07/2025 20:11

How does it not appear that she lied?

I will sleep anyway 😂

Edited
Show quote history

How does it not appear that she lied?

Just read all the responses you've had. Glad you'll sleep though. This thread might just ruin my night's shut eye 🤣

KrisAkabusi · 11/07/2025 20:17

temptemp2 · 11/07/2025 19:53

How does it sound consistent and truthful? She asked about SATs saying her daughter would not do well in them because she is not academic while her daughter is in a private school and does not have to sit them.

Show quote history

There is nothing contradictory in this at all, and you just dont get it! It is possible to be at private school and not be academic. And it is a fact that she doesn't have to do SATs. Isn't it more likely that because her daughter doesn't have to do them that the mother might not know much about them? And therefore ask questions of someone who might know something about them?

There are now hundreds of votes and dozens and dozens of posts explaining why your manager can be telling the truth in both conversations, but you seem willfull in your refusal to accept that this is a valid explanation.

Original poster
temptemp2 · 11/07/2025 20:11

DrowningInSyrup · 11/07/2025 20:10

Is that all you took from what I said? I don't think most people would have given this a second thought. You seem to be intent in proving that your boss is a lying arsehole. It doesn't appear that she is, in the main we all agree that she isn't, yet you are getting all worked up about it, so here you go....

Your boss is a massive lying arsehole!! 🙄

Now hopefully you can get some sleep tonight.

Show quote history

How does it not appear that she lied?

I will sleep anyway 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
temptemp2 · 11/07/2025 20:10

UpToonGirl · 11/07/2025 20:04

Even if she did lie and say her daughter was at a state primary, couldn't pass 11+ and that she won't study but you find it's the opposite I don't really understand why you would be that bothered? I'm genuinely asking because I don't think it would register to me more than a brief thinking I'd got the wrong end of the stick somewhere. Or I might think she's having issues with her daughter and didn't want to go into it with a colleague so bent the truth.

Fwiw sometimes I'm a bit vague when talking about DC schools as a lot of people have certain issues with private. I don't lie but I sometimes am a bit vague, someone mentioned SATs the other day and I didn't, for example, jump in that our primary doesn't do them.

I get that not everyone would be bothered by this, and if it were just a small white lie or a vague comment, I probably wouldn’t have thought twice either. But this wasn’t that. It was a longer conversation where she asked me about SATs, said she didn’t understand them, said her daughter would not do well in them while being in a private school and not having to do the SATs. That was quite a detailed picture not just a passing comment.

I don’t care that her daughter is at a private school or how well she is doing. It bothered me because she asked me for advice, I responded openly and what she said in return was a lie.

OP posts: