AIBU to wonder my manager lied about her daughter’s school?

Two children? Incidentally, there’s no such thing as a private grammar. Some private schools are called Something Grammar School-but they aren’t grammars.

I don't understand the issue. Her dd is at a private primary and isn't old enough to have sat the 11+ yet. Your boss said dd isn't going to be tutored for the 11+. No lies so far? Presumably her dd will continue in private school for secondary or just take the 11+ with no tutoring.

Can I add,

if her daughter isn’t very academic. She might not do very good in it… BUT if she gets on, that would be great as smaller class and a lot of personal development so in comparison to state school. MUCH better. It will cost you two arms and one leg each year though

Private, so with fees…
grammar school as for what age they take in normally

and they just started to take a few years back. Generally from Year 3. Age 8

a few do that. Maybe many?

@temptemp2 If you’re absolutely certain that she lied, then I think a lot of the issues have come from your posts not giving enough information to support this. The only thing that possibly suggests that she misled you is the comment that her child goes to an ‘ordinary school’, which you only shared much later. On that basis, I understand why other posters are confused. Also, she could genuinely believe that some private schools are ‘ordinary’. I don’t myself, but perspectives do differ - e.g. it’s the local private school not Eton or Cheltenham Ladies’. And/or she was playing it down a bit and wanted to talk to you about SATs without getting into details about paying for private education, which lots of people disagree with.

Like other posters, however, I would likely read some of the things she said differently to you.

‘I mentioned the 11+ because it came up naturally, and she responded in a way that strongly implied selective schools weren’t even a consideration. Then later she told someone else that her daughter is already at a private grammar school.’

And…

‘She told me directly that her daughter isn’t academic, doesn’t enjoy studying, and there was no point getting a tutor. That gave a very clear impression that selective schools weren’t part of the picture at all.’

I want to emphasise that some ‘selective’ private schools are, relatively speaking, not all that selective and the entrance tests are manageable for many, many children (more than would pass the 11+). For those schools, they are happy to take children with a reasonable level of knowledge/skill/literacy but some of those children would still score below average in SATs standardised scoring. What they can’t often manage and/or don’t want is the academically weakest children or those with complex needs. So, it’s quite possibly a false equivalence between the selective school her daughter is already in and being able to pass the 11+.

Why are you even bothered?
"Not my clowns, not my circus!"

Indeed! I’ve never known an op be so steadfast in their opinion in the face of overwhelming disagreement.

Oh my god this thread was painful.

You are changing what you say a lot and adding bits, including the little girls age. Yes, it’s possible to remember things but also people are extremely unreliable witnesses as our brains do tend to fill in the blanks to fit the story we’re telling- i.e. you’re convinced your narrative is right, people are disagreeing, so you’re brain is convincing you you remember new details that support your story - if you don’t believe me try looking up research on testimonies.
You stated at length yourself that it would be highly unusual (though your take made it sound like impossible) for a parent in a state school to be unaware of SATS…so when she asked you about them as someone who had no idea- surely that should be a clue that her child is not at a state school?
it is also possible that with the new VAT her family needs to reconsider if they can keep paying the fees - hence practical interest in SATs. Or she just wanted to be nice and make conversation about how well your son is doing.
Finally, her daughter could be gifted - not academic, not someone who can work with tutors, just gifted. The private school environment and individual attention could allow her to excel without doing homework and while constantly playing. Then, for a parent facing shift from private to state, it could be difficult knowing that their child will not excel in a competitive environment with next to no support but that is the only way, at least in her head, to obtain comparable education.
You’ll say, but she didn’t say any of that, and I well could be wrong, it’s only one possibility, but she doesn’t owe you saying any of that. She asked you some simple questions about exams, she’s your manager not a friend and you inferred an awful lot and are now annoyed at her.

She’s had a birthday since you wrote your op then?

Op you are utterly convinced there is some kind of sinister motive for this woman asking you about SATs. I don’t think anyone but you can fathom why that might be. It was utterly pointless posting because you have decided your colleague is a liar and won’t be dissuaded by the enormous number of posters telling you you’re being unreasonable.

Our ‘local’ grammar school went private after ‘direct grant’. It retained the name ‘grammar’ for at least 2 decades after it was necessary to pass the 11+ to get in; yes, an entrance test to screen out SEND… but £ is what mattered.

Even they've now dispensed with the ‘grammar’ subterfuge.

Is her daughter 8 or is she in year 5? You seem to be muddling up what you’ve told people, op 🤔

If her dd is 8, she’s in y3 unless she’s very young in the year in which case she’d be y4. So that makes the theoretical she wouldn’t do well rather than she won’t do well make more sense. In any case it’s not like kids in state can opt out so I think it makes sense she was just imagining.

Sigh. This woman doesn’t have a child in state school though. So she’d have no idea SATs are discussed at length. She may have been under the impression the school would discuss it with parents when their child reached year 6.

Yes, seriously.
If I was guessing, it would be because they aren’t a big deal in private schools because the government doesn’t play a role in private schools’ performance, so even if they are done they’re not the all-encompassing insanity that I’ve read about them being in state schools. I genuinely didn’t know if they were doing them. It made no difference to me, but I am curious about them because it just all sounds completely crazy. I’d have probably asked you about them too.

FWIW they also do this ‘really big deal’ entrance exam for senior school, which is the test that the children entering at year 7 do. Apparently it is the 11+. I only know this now because I asked off the back of this thread. Again, it wasn’t treated as any big deal at all and we weren’t aware of when it was taking place or anything. So the hysteria is not universal over tests and exams for 11 year olds, I can assure you! For the children already in the school (my child) it’s just used to put them into sets, as their place is guaranteed anyway.

How would you know if you’d never experienced SATs in a state school? How would you know they’re discussed a lot? Why would you expect to hear anything about SATs when your child isn’t anywhere near year 6.

Your thought processes are bizarre.

What people are really struggling with here, op, is why it matters? Who cares? She’s a work colleague. You’re free to discuss or withhold whatever personal information you choose with her and she’s free to do the same. Whether or not she lied to you purposely is completely irrelevant and I’m at a loss to understand why you care so much.

Honestly, I didn’t know if either of my children were going to sit SATs until they left year 6 and hadn’t sat them.

I would absolutely describe my child as excelling at school, she’s well settled and loves it. She still (probably) wouldn’t get into a state grammar. She’s on sports teams, does her homework without a fuss and enjoys almost every minute of school. To me, she is amazing and she’s doing amazingly. But that doesn’t mean she’s particularly academic.