AIBU to wonder my manager lied about her daughter’s school?

I am aware
Its NOT a Grammar school though

Maybe the daughter is at private school maybe she isn't brilliant academically and she felt comfortable sharing that with you but not the other person.
I wouldn't over think it.

I would agree that a London grammar place is harder than a selective private school place to get but it doesn't mean some privates don't require above average intelligence.

I think you're overthinking it. It doesn't sound like she "lied", rather that these sort of conversations are often quite nuanced by choice of words.

Most people are proud of their children and anxious that they do well at school, whether that's academically, socially, in the mental wellbeing sense, by getting the benefit of certain opportunities that suit them or a combination of all those and more.

Parents who are worried about how their children are performing or settling at school will tend to talk about them in a way that manages expectations without getting into detail. For example my husband and I both passed the 11+ and people would assume our son was taking it. In fact he was struggling massively at school due to (then undiagnosed) ADHD and we were very worried. But rather than bang on about that we'd say "oh he's not very academic, we don't think grammar would suit him".

Our youngest did take 11+ and has got a grammar place but the schools here are super selective so we didn't want to assume she would get a place and make her feel under pressure. Also a lot of people disapprove of the grammar system and I didn't want to get into all that. So we didn't talk about it much to others and only if they asked we'd say nonchalantly "oh yes we'll let her have a go".

We considered private for both ours at different times when it seemed like the best option. I actually felt quite awkward about it as we're quite lefty and initially said we didn't believe in it but that came a point where we thought "but we can afford it so if it's the best option why would we not do the best for our child". But I wouldn't have wanted to discuss it openly for exactly the above reasons, unless it was right in a "read the room" sense.

"Ordinary school" can mean a range of things. If she said "state school" when her kids were at private that would be untruthful but ordinary school just seems vague.

"Private grammar school" is not the same as Grammar School. If it's a private school with grammar in the name she was correct to describe it as such.

Private schools may or may not have entrance exams but they aren't usually the same as the 11+ and could be harder or easier. So her daughter probably didn't take the 11+ as you know it.

I can't see why you are so convinced she "lied".

You've lost me that she is telling you that her daughter doesn't like studying, and no point in getting her a tutor but also saying her daughter is excelling at school?

Perhaps you gave to much information to her that she didn't know how to get out of the conversation, then talking to someone else it was a different conversation and she felt she could say more.

Sometime people can come across in such a way the conversation is shut down with a couple of reasons - but with someone else they feel more comfortable and will say more.

Possibly its you? Have a think about how you come across to other people? It maybe that you just don't gel with this person, but its understandable you feel they have held back on information - but they don't have to gibe you everything

You are coming across as a sticky beak who is far too invested in your bosses child.
often people with clever children don’t feel the need to brag.

That’s a bit reductive. Some private schools do. Some private schools don’t. They aren’t a monolith.

There are some incredibly selective private schools where half the kids get straight 9s at GCSE and all A*s at A-level. There are also private schools which have no entrance exams - that are simply first come, first served - as well as schools which do set entrance tests but basically let in anyone who can write their own name.

It’s just a private school that any kid can go to if you’ve got the funds. It’s not private “grammar”. Grammar schools require you to be of above average intelligence. Private schools do not.

@Cattery that is true for many privates but not all. Some are very selective

Well that’ll be because it’s fee paying

So many replies like this!

Of course it’s good to get the measure of someone you work closely with. Especially if they are prone to telling pointless lies. Working out why she lied may help OP guide future conversations (e.g she’s massively protective of her family and doesn’t want anyone knowing where they go to school)

@TheignT where did I say it wasn't possible? I was referring to people who down play...

It is pointles getting a tutor at many provate schools, a, because they prep the kids for the format of the 11 plus whereas state schools do not and b because their entrance tests , especially for internal candidates are often based on CAT like computer tests (the ones my son did were called INCAS & CEM or something ike that.

My son is not at all academic but he excelled at college in a particular area.

that is has grammar in the name does not mean it is a grammar school.

She may also have been ‘playing down’ because some people have strong reactions to private schooling/children doing well at private school (‘only doing well because they’re spoon fed spoilt brats!’), and doesn’t want to risk it causing bad feeling amongst her colleagues.

Could be that’s she’s happy to be frank and open with you, but feels less comfortable and like she has to impress the other person she spoke to?

My 4 all passed the 11+ and never had tutors. It is possible. I feel sorry for the kids who have years of tutoring to get into a school where they are likely to struggle.

But you didn't hear her say something completely different unless you are going to tell us she has got a tutor for her. She was being polite listening to your tales of 11*.

Did you just assume the child was at a state primary because she asked about SATs? Quite a lot of private schools don't bother with them so I would tend to assume the same if someone was chatting about them.

I can also easily see how someone who sat an entrance exam for 7+ for an independent school could be excelling, but not be particularly academic or enjoy studying and getting a tutor to sit the 11+ for a state grammar would be a waste of everyone's time.

Honestly, I think you are reading far too much into this and I would probably have thought 'that's a bit odd, that wasn't the impression I got' when you overheard her talking to your colleague, and then not given it another thought. I don't think she has gone out of her way to mislead you - I think you made an assumption which was incorrect and now feel a bit put out about that.

My DCs non selective private school has the word Grammar in the title
Neither did the 11+ to get in

Maybe she doesn't agree with tutoring kids through the 11+ but didn't want to be rude and say so.

What do you mean you’re ‘not going to pretend it didn’t happen’?

Just leaving it would be fine!

It was conversations at work about personal matters that you’ve interpreted involved her lying about her DC. Most posters disagree with your interpretation and/or think it understandable and not a big deal. You otherwise get on well with her.

doing / saying anything would be making a mountain out of a molehill.

It’s just a private school that any kid can go to if you’ve got the funds. It’s not private “grammar”. Grammar schools require you to be of above average intelligence. Private schools do not.

Private junior grammar school is not a thing

Op, above you say that she directly said -

my child goes to a regular school.

Did she say my child does not go to a private school? If she did then yes that is a lie, but it seems she didn’t.

You assumed a regular school was not private, but it might be for her depending on her own education.

As you then also say -

What I am saying is that the way she spoke to me gave a very clear impression that her daughter was not in any kind of selective environment

If you had an impression, then it seems clear to me she didn’t lie & you made an assumption.

I really think it doesn’t matter. Is there more background/context to your relationship?

You obviously don’t like her as you’re looking for a lie that isn’t there.