Feeling defensive, but is she right that I need a reality check here?

No, of course it's not the OP's fault. But presumably she decided she wanted to keep the baby she'd conceived only a couple of months after she'd met DP. We don't know how he felt about that but an awful lot of men, sadly, would have cut and run and done the minimum they could get away with. I'm saying not that she should be grateful, but that in context he sounds quite supportive.

It's three years on now and they're making it work — and good for them, sounds as if they're both committed to creating a stable life for their daughter. I've no idea how much the CMS would have expected DP to pay, but it sounds as if he's approached this generously, funding childcare so that OP can continue to work FT and maintain her own earning-power, pension and career and also, from the sound of it, offering money to cover expenses when he's away working, and offering. breaks for them to spend some quality time together. And he seems to look after DD one day a week. That package is one that several married mums of my acquaintance, let alone single mothers trying to wring some money out of their exes, would regard as pretty good.

This is my situation: Husband lives here 9 days then away for 12. I work full time (barrister) mostly from home but also in Chambers and courts. We have a nanny live-in from 9 am Monday to the school drop off on Fridays. I have 3 aged 8, 6 and 4. This has always been our situation.

It is hard, of course it is. I do all nights (nanny there but not “at work”) though these obviously reduce over time, weekends and school runs by myself when nanny’s not “on”. I do get resentful that my husband doesn’t seem to know what I do, but it’s what I signed up for. I hoped it would change but I knew the risk that it wouldn’t. It hasn’t. How is that different to you?

You have parents where one or both work shifts, single parents, forces parents, two parents at home but with loopy schedules. Most families both parents work at least a bit. Most people don’t view work as “me time”. So what sounds silly is that you think you have it worse than others.

As they get older time with them does become more “family time” and less “second job”. I have learnt to like cooking. It makes some of the grind less. But bottom line, you’re no worse off or “on your own” than many others. You’ve got to dig in and look for the silver linings. Good luck.

😆😆

If your sister has dcs too what is her set up?

Someone contributing £1000 a month and paying nursery fees and you having one full day all to yourself every single week doesn't sound too bad to me tbh.

I suspect your sister's situation seems crap in comparison and she is annoyed at you moaning all the time.

Do you have many friends who are parents op?

Well, I have all of that plus a dodgy knee.

so better luck next time! 🤣

She’s right.

Everything we do involves stress of some kind - even the nice things. I am sure your dh is stressed with his working pattern yet he has the wherewithal to think about you and your needs - pays for nursery, gives you 1k spending money. In fact as I write this it makes me wonder if this is real. If it is I advise you to stop being self centred and think about someone else for a change.

I don’t understand. You have to look after her for 3 days but are also working 3 days yourself so presumably he will have her on his own those days? One child, with no work or timetable to stick to, enough money to go out for the day it’ll be fine!

Yep - I am in the "brat" camp. I guess you could just leave him and do it all on your own. From experience, I can tell you that is so much easier than having even a part time dad around to help 🙄 Perhaps stay at home and don't go on so many holidays. Then you won't be so resentful.

I think a lot of the posters are missing the fact that OP has said she finds it stressful looking after her daughter for 3 full days because she doesn't normally do that.

It'll be good practise then.

You need to reframe those 3 days.

You are not "looking after" your child like a nursery, you are on holiday with them and have a chance to go out and enjoy time together. Have some fun fgs - seaside, playparks, waterparks, woodlands, zoos - the list is endless. No need to sit around feeling sorry for yourself. At 3, your daughter can begin to join in and you will form a decent bond beyond that of caregiver.

Your not being unreasonable. Everyone has struggles, just because yours is different doesn't make it any less valid. But you do need to decide is the stress worth it or would be better alone?

@aperolspritzbasicbitch but I have 10 dc to look after and a sick parent whilst working 2 jobs!

Yeeeesss... working either full-time or part-time and then coming home to look after the DC...

Don't know where I implied full time only?

If you're p/t with dc in nursery or school you are getting a break from dc. It's not the same as f/t but perhaps I am wrong on that.

Ah, well don’t use the fact that you are spending the whole summer with your children in an attempt to get one up on OP….I’ll be juggling looking after my children AND working all summer. Only 3 days a week though, so surely someone who works full time will come along soon to grump me there.

see how silly this is?

But for what its worth, I'm full time with young DC so cheers for the judgey

What was judgy about what I wrote? Are facts judgy?

Yeeeesss... working either full-time or part-time and then coming home to look after the DC...

Don't know where I implied full time only?

But for what its worth, I'm full time with young DC so cheers for the judgey 👍

I don't think you are being a brat. I think you are trying to work out where you are in this relationship and family.

Your DP spends 4 out of 7 days on his own, with only himself to think about (plus the stress of his job and travel)... On the face of it.. he enjoys this nomadic lifestyle and sees taking you and DD away as something good.. you see it as another chore that does not give you a break from the 24/6.5 of parenting responsibility.

He pays for childcare, contributes towards your housing costs and pays for trips away.

However your life is, there are always compromises, work, leisure time, family time, housing costs, disposable income, saving for the future.. it is challenging when you find yourself in an unplanned situation, without having grown together, had fantasy life chats, worked out what makes each person happy...

Both of you have had to make major changes to your lives, perhaps you see that he gets more of what males him haopy, than you do, maybe he sees that he is giving you what he thinks you need... time away from the hum drum of life, whereas what you crave is more time alone.

How would you like this to work? That he takes your daughter away for a few days on his own, that he stays in your house, works from home, looks after your daughter while you go away on your own, that he spends more time with the three of you as a family in your home, would you rather he had his own place and your DD split her time between you or maybe here is another option.

You are in a good postion, that your finances are stable and that your partner contributes to your joint life, that does not mean that your should put up with a situation that does not make you feel happy.

If he didn't work away... how do you picture ypur lives? More equal share of household tasks, breakfast and dinner together, shared nursery drop offs, one evening per week of personal hobby time, some individual time at the weekends each while the other person is with your daughter..

What would make you feel happier, acknowledging that life is not perfect? Would personal and then couples counselling help you to understand how to improve your life?

Have you talked to him about how you feel? How does he feel? What I don't get from your post is joy... life is too short not to have some joy and love... find a way to build that in.. then the humdrum / life load / difficult moments... take up less space and are less heavy.

oh stop it then. FGS you are a grown woman with a child and a job.

Just. Say. No. Or let him take DD away alone for a while. Does your sister get lots of lovely trips away? she probably thinks your next moan will be how your diamond shoes are too tight.

Moaning about looking after your own child for 3 days, get a grip.

I think a lot of the posters are missing the fact that OP has said she finds it stressful looking after her daughter for 3 full days because she doesn't normally do that. Not because she has to do all the care. She basically does the morning and bedtime and other times DP is there or child is in nursery. Even this holiday which is 8 days she has only taken 3 days leave as she can work remotely so presumably whilst she is working DP will have child and they will spend some time together. If the time away is to stressful then she needs to say let's stay at home. But let's not pretend she is home alone all the time and DP is never there.

This is one of the most tone-deaf posts I've ever seen on here.

Just a little reality check. No most people absolutely do not get time to themselves every week if they have young children.

many men do but that’s because their wives don’t get any

i have two young kids, we both work, we have nanny/nursery but I don’t get a whole day to myself every week (nor does my husband). Not even occasionally unless my mom comes over to take one child and my husband gets another

I think the day you gave birth was the day you stopped 'taking it slowly'!

You need to toughen up. I am a teacher so now spending the full summer holiday with my children with 0 family nearby. It made me laugh that you're stressed about 3 days with one child. It's ridiculously easy to entertain a child when you have no money worries - especially for only 3 days!

Not sure how the father paying for his child is relevant. He should be. That's basic stuff

I would think so but apparently not @4naans!

Please tell me some of these replies are just contrary because people can't really think like this?