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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling defensive, but is she right that I need a reality check here?

484 replies

T1002 · 11/07/2025 09:49

Something has been playing on my mind for a few weeks now and I feel I need to put it to mumsnetters for some brutal opinions! So here we go…

Me and DD’s dad had her within a year of meeting. It was not a great time and it took us a while to come to terms with it but we succeeded. She’s now 3.

I have a decent job with decent pay. Dp out earns me by quite a bit and as he has to travel a lot for his job he sends me extra spending money each month in the region of 1k. He also covers nursery costs. I wasn’t willing to give up my home and combine assets until we are married so he rents his home out (but he travels so much he’s only really here with us 3 nights a week).

I am giving background for context.

Anyway, DP is keen to go on trips with us and take annual leave for this so he can spend more time with us. Every 4-8 weeks we do a trip and he’s now booked a trip to Norfolk in a week, during which time he will have to work 3 of the 8 days we are away. I can work remotely so I have taken off 3 days to look after Dd. DP pays for 90% of these trips and I get a few coffees or whatever.

A couple of weeks ago I was explaining to my sister that I feel stressed about having to look after dd alone for 3 days in Norfolk and I wasn’t looking forward to it as I felt DP should have taken off the whole week. I was just having a moan, I feel like most care of dd falls on me. My sister was uncharacteristically direct and said I was being a brat, I needed a reality check, she couldn’t listen to this nonsense… comments like this. She fell out with me and said I needed to look at my life compared to others and stop being so negative.

I am really hurt by these comments and feel it’s incredibly unfair after the way I had dd and the unsettled initial months. It wasn’t the easiest time. Yes I work from home and have flexibility and nursery paid for but it’s still me doing most care outside these hours and realistically nothing can make up for that. Going on trips every few weeks is still sometimes as stressful as being at home as I have to pack and get ready for it. I have only one day a week to do my own thing (when.dp takes dd out on a Saturday) then Sunday is a family day which is nice. But I don’t feel this is free time when I work full time! I feel like I can’t share frustrations with my sister anymore. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
T1002 · 11/07/2025 10:05

Careeringallovertheplace · 11/07/2025 10:02

Not only do you not have money worries but you also get a full day to yourself every week. Your sister was totally right to say something.
You seem to lack control over your life though which might be why you're whingeing.

@Careeringallovertheplace i don’t know why I feel like this. No money problems is good but it doesn’t make me feel less stressed. Most people get time to themselves so I don’t think that’s unusual, it’s only one day and I’m usually clearing up from the week

OP posts:
Original poster
T1002 · 11/07/2025 10:04

MidnightPatrol · 11/07/2025 09:59

Why are you feeling stressed about having to look after your daughter for three days on your own, when it sounds like you’re on your own with her most of the week anyway?

Also - you are going to be working remotely for some of the trip, so why is it a problem for him to do it?

I can see it’s frustrating being the default parent all the time, but given he sounds like a boyfriend who pops over to stay a few nights a week… that’s the arrangement you’ve got.

I know many couples where one travels a lot and the other has to pick up all the kid tasks in the week - it’s hard on them, but I think tolerates because they are looking at the bigger picture ie affording the nice house, school fees etc. In your scenario there is no greater good life plan because you basically still live separate lives - just with you getting a stipend.

@MidnightPatrol because I never have three full days like that, it’s broken up by nursery or DP being here. I only really do mornings and bedtimes and some days if I take holiday and take her out. Three days feels like a lot in one go.

DP wants to progress the relationship but I am taking it slow as technically we have been together only 3 ish years. I think in the next year we will focus on buying somewhere together

OP posts:
Careeringallovertheplace · 11/07/2025 10:02

Not only do you not have money worries but you also get a full day to yourself every week. Your sister was totally right to say something.
You seem to lack control over your life though which might be why you're whingeing.

Original poster
T1002 · 11/07/2025 10:02

Goldengirl123 · 11/07/2025 09:55

Sorry but you are being an absolute brat

@Goldengirl123 i did post in AIBU so expected some direct responses! I don’t feel like a brat but maybe I haven’t considered others’ situations and have been a bit blinded by my own struggles

OP posts:
MidnightPatrol · 11/07/2025 09:59

Why are you feeling stressed about having to look after your daughter for three days on your own, when it sounds like you’re on your own with her most of the week anyway?

Also - you are going to be working remotely for some of the trip, so why is it a problem for him to do it?

I can see it’s frustrating being the default parent all the time, but given he sounds like a boyfriend who pops over to stay a few nights a week… that’s the arrangement you’ve got.

I know many couples where one travels a lot and the other has to pick up all the kid tasks in the week - it’s hard on them, but I think tolerates because they are looking at the bigger picture ie affording the nice house, school fees etc. In your scenario there is no greater good life plan because you basically still live separate lives - just with you getting a stipend.

Snoopysimaginaryfriend · 11/07/2025 09:55

Simple, stop adding stress to your life by going on so many trips you don’t enjoy.

In the nicest possible way how much ‘me’ time do you think other parents get? You have a whole day every week and none of the worry of paying for childcare whilst you work.

Goldengirl123 · 11/07/2025 09:55

Sorry but you are being an absolute brat

Original poster
T1002 · 11/07/2025 09:54

@Commonsense22 yeah exactly! We have been away 4 times already this year and it’s on me to pack etc

OP posts:
Commonsense22 · 11/07/2025 09:51

She's right although to be fair the frequency of these trips sounds a little stressful.
One can have too much of a giid thing. I'd go less often and ensure bith of you have the time off.