Feeling defensive, but is she right that I need a reality check here?

I agree with the point you both make here. However, I don't think he is swanning off as OP states he has to work away alot so it's not really by choice...... also, it would seem this is how it has always been so, OP knew this before she fell pregnant, and they wasn't (still arn't) very committed to one another. It actually sounds like it's OP who won't commit as she states she won't live with him till their married...... erm they have a child??? It wouldn't be as one way if they lived together even with his worktrips I don't believe, as OP's DP actually seems like he is more than happy and willing to spend time as a family/with DC and also provide etc.

@cucy I think if they lived together and he was off doing whatever he wanted then used the holiday or cash to put a plaster over his absence then I would 100% agree with you but I actually think it's OP who is blocking the family set up and commitment and her DP is trying.

I don't actually understand what's enviable about this set up? The partner is away for half the week & then books trips to catch up on family time. I wouldn't want to go away every month & if I did I wouldn't want to work for some of it. Why not book less time off or leave a bigger gap between trips?

I think focussing on looking after dd for 3 days isn't really the issue.

As ever the vipers dive in to put the boot in (thats the one boot on the end of their tail)...

It is hard to say to your DP 'actually these trips away, whilst lovely on paper, are in fact more stress and work for me than they are relaxing/quality time' - because a trip away is broadly a nice thing, spending time with your kid and partner is a lovely thing..

But when it comes with extra life-admin - and any trip away with a 3 year old does - it starts to get less lovely really fast.

I think the trips away also assuage his guilt at being away a lot and it simply hasn't occurred to him that this = more work, more stress for you, rather than less. Speak to him - if you can't talk to him about something like this, your relationship has far more serious issues!

As for all the 'ooh looking after your own child for three days is no hardship' - this isn't just looking after your own child, its looking after your own kid ON HOLIDAY, out of routine, out of familiar spaces - as a quick squizz through any post on holidays with the under 5s will tell you, its NOT relaxing!

When do you think most people get time to themselves? I don't know anyone with kids who gets one day a week entirely to themselves.

You’re not U not to want so many trips away, for any reason. Many parents dislike trips with small DC.

Your boyfriend became a father and retained his working life unchanged with frequent trips etc. it’s good he’s parenting and paying what’s fair, which unfortunately could end at any time.

If he’s not offering marriage, minimise compromises regarding your work and personal finances.

I’m sorry op but i agree eith your sister

I’ve been lucky to get a half day on the odd occasion.

This is what it boils down to.

On the face of it OP has a life that most of us would dream about but actually this is a very unequal relationship and no amount of holidays or money would outweigh that for me.

I'd wouldn't go as far as 'brat' but she is right. You're under stress and it's making you unreasonable. Count your blessings, you're in a pretty fortunate situation when you step back and look at it.

Kindly, you can’t have it both ways. On the one hand you feel like 3 days of parenting solo is a lot because you don’t really do that given your daughter is in nursery and so forth (one of your earlier posts). Then here you’re saying that you feel like it’s a lot because you do it all, all the time.

You’ve got one child who is presumably in good health and isn’t overly challenging (as I’m sure you’d have mentioned it otherwise), no financial worries whatsoever, a man who wants to progress your relationship and be a proper partner (and where you’re the one blocking that happening), and who - despite working away - wants to spend time with you and your shared child on trips away that most people can’t afford in anywhere near that frequency.

You absolutely do need a reality check.

Your life is markedly easier than many, many other people. You need to start looking at your blessings instead of going on about how hard it is when objectively you have it much easier than many parents, and many women.

Of course you can find parts stressful, and parenting is difficult - no one will disagree with that - but you are not hard done by. Not one bit. And the things that you are finding difficult are within your gift to change or influence. Largely because they’re of your making because of choices you made.

If you had harsh responses on here it’s because you seem incredibly tone deaf, and I would imagine your sister is on the end of that regularly and lost her patience with you. I would have done too.

Pretty much!

I'm not sure why people are being dicks either. You're the default parent who also works and your bloke swans off whenever, gets out of the childcare and expects you to pack for regular trips away.

Fuck that for a lark.

Why do you have so many trips?

Why can’t DP just come home and spend quality time together as a family?

Do less trips - you’ll be less stressed because you’re not having to pack etc and you’ll get more ‘you’ time because DP will be home to do more than parenting.

Your life sounds like an absolute dream to most of us and I can see why your sister snapped at you moaning.

But I think you are resentful that your DP gets to basically act childless and single for most of the year, which I get.

I think it’s less about you having to spend 3 days with your child and more about the fact that their dad never has to do this.

Some people may think that he’s the one planning these trips so regularly so he doesn’t have to parent as much.

I would definitely reduce the amount of trips you do right now and see if that helps.

and she should pack for her partner too? Why, exactly?

I’m baffled by your entire setup OP. Having a child together isn’t taking it slow. I’d be stressed out by the confusing all over the place setup that is your life and think maybe you need to figure out if you’re both in or out of this pseudo relationship/marriage. Your sister obviously doesn’t have the financial security, support and free time that you do and got frustrated that you had the nerve to complain when she’d kill for what you have. Don’t be mad just try to be a bit less tone deaf when spending time with her.

I think that this level of stress over what are, objectively speaking, really not big deals is not (or want of a better word) 'normal' and I think you should rule out something else going on.

Packing - not a big deal
Taking care of your child - not a big deal

If normal things in what is actually a very good life - good money, day to yourself every week, lots of breaks and holidays - are big deals to you and stressful to you then I think maybe you should consider whether you have depression or an anxiety issue or similar.

Tbh what you're describing would do my head in.

Why can't you both take the full week off and spend time at home with a couple of outings? Just enjoy the home you both work for and fully with the bairn? Have a laugh and get an ice-cream and a takeaway on an evening or something?

I am confused as in one post you are saying you only do mornings and bedtimes and then another you are saying you do it all so which is it?

You are way out of whack. No, most parents of 3 year olds do not "get time to themselves."

You have only one child, you are in an excellent position financially, you get a dedicated day to yourself each week, you have childcare paid for and you are taken away on trips where you only have to buy the odd coffee.

Most of us would kill for that level of ease.

Looking after your own child for three days is not suffering. I'm honestly gobsmacked you can think it is.

(This isn't a race to the bottom, btw, it's wanting someone to realise how very privileged they are)

Yes, it’s tiring not having much time for yourself, but I think she’s probably getting frustrated with you because so many people have it harder than you, probably including her, and she’s fed up with listening to you complaining about a life that is so much easier than hers. And that doesn’t mean she’s jealous of what you have. It means that she thinks you need to start counting your blessings and being thankful for having a day to yourself each week, and a partner who is financially supportive rather than one who thinks he doesn’t need to contribute because he’s only there 3 days a week.

It’s not a race to the bottom, of course, but whining about only having one free day a week, having to care for one child several days a week and having to go on too many holidays to someone who probably struggles to have a bath in peace, is pretty tone deaf. I’m not surprised she doesn’t want to hear it anymore.

And you can’t have it both ways. If you want your DD to have lovely things and you want regular holidays and you want to buy a house together next year, then someone has to pay for that and you won’t be doing it all on just your salary.

Most people get time to themselves? Which people are these? No parent that I know gets time to themselves regularly. You get a whole day every week!

I can’t believe you’re dreading spending 3 days with your daughter in Norfolk. It sounds brilliant to me. Go to the beach, boat trip to see the seals, fish and chips, ice creams, crabbing. The options are endless. Don’t you like your daughter?

It is hard and I don’t think humans evolved bringing up children this way. We are herd animals and I can totally understand why it feels difficult and maybe lonely for you to be doing most of the child rearing totally on your own. Without idealising any other place or time, I think an isolated woman with an infant (no aunties, grannies, cousins, close neighbours around regularly helping) is a very odd situation in terms of our evolution, though we take it for granted now and accuse women who struggle with this of being somehow lacking.

For now, cut back on the trips to ease the pressure of moving your household twice a month, and maybe suggest you leave your little one with a trusted relative for a few days and go just you and your DP so you can relax and reconnect. It sounds like you need a decent break, a sleep in etc. The change from no children to one is huge and it sounds like you are doing a wonderful job. Yes, your life might be easier in some ways to many of the scolds on here, but we all have our own challenges as mums and I’m sorry that your sister can’t muster any empathy. I don’t think you are being unreasonable. Just that you are weary and a little nostalgic for your pre child life. Your life has been turned upside down while your DPs has hardly changed at all. You deserve some understanding.

Your sister is ridiculous to have fallen out with you over this. But you need to chin-up a bit, and it would be nice if your DP had taken off a couple of extra days. I think a lot of posters are missing that you're on your own four nights a week, and now you're on holiday but your usual routine is different (read: more stressful).

I hope you have a great time. Maybe pack for you and your child, and nothing of your DPs 😆

Who are these 'most people'? 👀

Comparison is the thief of joy, OP. Stop comparing yourself to others and see the positives in your situation.

You feel how you feel and that's ok. That's valid. But hopefully this thread will have demonstrated how privileged you are in your situation. You need to be more mindful when you choose who to vent to, being empathetic of their struggles and stresses (because they will have them, they'll just be different to yours).

It doesn't sound like you and your sister are in similar positions, so it might be a bit tasteless to moan/vent to her about yours. Perhaps money is tight for her, or she is longing for a trip to spend 3 solid days with her kids on a holiday but can't for whatever reason.

Everyone is entitled to feel how they feel.

Who are these 'most people'? 👀

Comparison is the thief of joy, OP. Stop comparing yourself to others and see the positives in your situation.

You feel how you feel and that's ok. That's valid. But hopefully this thread will have demonstrated how privileged you are in your situation. You need to be more mindful when you choose who to vent to, being empathetic of their struggles and stresses (because they will have them, they'll just be different to yours).

It doesn't sound like you and your sister are in similar positions, so it might be a bit tasteless to moan/vent to her about yours. Perhaps money is tight for her, or she is longing for a trip to spend 3 solid days with her kids on a holiday but can't for whatever reason.

Everyone is entitled to feel how they feel.

Sometimes words fail me. You get 1 family day 1 free day and full time nursery fees paid for and you struggle to look after your child for 3 days???
You sound like a spoiled petulant princess