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AIBU?

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Original poster

Invisible at 60.

160 replies

canyouseemyhousefromhere · 10/07/2025 18:16

Not sure if this is the right place but here goes….
As a 60+ woman I find it sad to think of myself as invisible. When I was in my teens, 20s, 30s, 40s and later I would have lots of attention from men. I am happily married to a lovely attentive man but when I’m out on my own I am completely invisible. Am I the only one who has just realised I’m old and undesirable?

OP posts:
ExercicenformedeZ · 10/07/2025 22:46

Isittimeformynapyet · 10/07/2025 22:38

She kind of did actually.

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Yes, she did. Which means she isn't all that happily married, clearly.

ExercicenformedeZ · 10/07/2025 22:45

DiscoNights · 10/07/2025 22:37

@ExercicenformedeZ

I was waiting for the word “sad” from you, and I believe this is why you are trying to shut other posters down who are offering alternative, deeper, or more complex explanations for the OP’s feelings. So that you can judge the OP for being “sad” and shallow, and judge other women for it too.

You are inventing her 'deeper explanations'. They are in your head, not in her words.

Isittimeformynapyet · 10/07/2025 22:38

CandidFawn · 10/07/2025 18:19

If you were “happily married” you wouldn’t have written this post. Just be honest and say you wish to be desired by men outside of your marriage.

She kind of did actually.

DiscoNights · 10/07/2025 22:37

@ExercicenformedeZ

I was waiting for the word “sad” from you, and I believe this is why you are trying to shut other posters down who are offering alternative, deeper, or more complex explanations for the OP’s feelings. So that you can judge the OP for being “sad” and shallow, and judge other women for it too.

ExercicenformedeZ · 10/07/2025 22:30

Gettingbysomehow · 10/07/2025 22:05

I'm 63, have zero interest in men or sex but I still love to go out feeling and looking great and I'm having a facelift later on this year.
I'm not doing it for men. I'm doing it for me.
Don't we all want to look our best? Or are we supposed to turn into Mrs Doyle once we hit 60?

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That's you, though. The OP framed her post entirely in terms of the male gaze. I'm all for looking your best (whatever you feel that to be) at any age. However, that isn't what the OP was talking about. She was very clearly talking about sexual capital, and I have to say that I find that a little sad.

ExercicenformedeZ · 10/07/2025 22:28

DiscoNights · 10/07/2025 22:09

You seem to be missing my point completely.

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Not really. You seem to be assuming that the OP feels a general 'invisibility' but that is based on what YOU feel, not on what she actually wrote.

cupfinalchaos · 10/07/2025 22:22

Me too.. I’m only a couple of years behind you. It’s a gradual process and not easy.. but at my age I value my health and family above all.

DiscoNights · 10/07/2025 22:09

ExercicenformedeZ · 10/07/2025 21:54

She only mentioned men and male attention. She said nothing about work or life in general.

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You seem to be missing my point completely.

Gettingbysomehow · 10/07/2025 22:05

AramintaBottersnike · 10/07/2025 18:21

Why do you want attention from other men and for them to desire you if you're happily married?

I'm 63, have zero interest in men or sex but I still love to go out feeling and looking great and I'm having a facelift later on this year.
I'm not doing it for men. I'm doing it for me.
Don't we all want to look our best? Or are we supposed to turn into Mrs Doyle once we hit 60?

ExercicenformedeZ · 10/07/2025 21:54

DiscoNights · 10/07/2025 21:52

She didn't specifically mention that, but I think the sadness around becoming invisible is probably more complicated that simply not being noticed by men anymore. Anyway, I will let the OP step in with whatever she has to say as I don't want to put words into her mouth.

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She only mentioned men and male attention. She said nothing about work or life in general.

cardibach · 10/07/2025 21:54

I have no idea what this ‘invisibile’ thing means. People talk to me - even the male ones. Even young male ones. I manage to get served in shops. I can make friends. I perform music and nobody seems confused as to where the sound is coming from.
What isn’t happening for you all?

DiscoNights · 10/07/2025 21:52

KateMiskin · 10/07/2025 21:50

I think ageism in the workplace needs a separate thread but OP is not talking about that.

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She didn't specifically mention that, but I think the sadness around becoming invisible is probably more complicated that simply not being noticed by men anymore. Anyway, I will let the OP step in with whatever she has to say as I don't want to put words into her mouth.

KateMiskin · 10/07/2025 21:50

DiscoNights · 10/07/2025 21:49

Because becoming invisible isn't just about wanting to attract men. It's about other losses, the end of an era in life, less power in a society that still values youth over wisdom and experience, being overlooked at work, even being overlooked by younger women at work or in social settings as a previous poster mentioned.

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I think ageism in the workplace needs a separate thread but OP is not talking about that.

DiscoNights · 10/07/2025 21:49

ExercicenformedeZ · 10/07/2025 21:43

How so? I could actually understand it if the OP was single and looking, but if she is secure and happy in her relationship, then she shouldn't be upset by not being attractive to random men. Of course, it is possible that she isn't all that happy in it. It's something she should ask herself. I can't help thinking how much happier I am now, in my early forties, than I was when I was in my early twenties. I am not 'invisible' now, but I'm not concerned with dating as I am happily married and couldn't care less what some random bloke thinks. If anything, it is annoying if someone tries to chat me up.

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Because becoming invisible isn't just about wanting to attract men. It's about other losses, the end of an era in life, less power in a society that still values youth over wisdom and experience, being overlooked at work, even being overlooked by younger women at work or in social settings as a previous poster mentioned.

ExercicenformedeZ · 10/07/2025 21:43

DiscoNights · 10/07/2025 21:36

I'm not sure that poster had an excellent point. I thought it was a very simplistic way of looking at things.

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How so? I could actually understand it if the OP was single and looking, but if she is secure and happy in her relationship, then she shouldn't be upset by not being attractive to random men. Of course, it is possible that she isn't all that happy in it. It's something she should ask herself. I can't help thinking how much happier I am now, in my early forties, than I was when I was in my early twenties. I am not 'invisible' now, but I'm not concerned with dating as I am happily married and couldn't care less what some random bloke thinks. If anything, it is annoying if someone tries to chat me up.

TheGrimSmile · 10/07/2025 21:41

TheGrimSmile · 10/07/2025 21:39

I feel invisible too now I'm in my fifties but I love it. I hated being constantly harassed by men when i was younger. It's a relief to me now.

When I say invisible, I mean to men.

TheGrimSmile · 10/07/2025 21:39

I feel invisible too now I'm in my fifties but I love it. I hated being constantly harassed by men when i was younger. It's a relief to me now.

DiscoNights · 10/07/2025 21:36

ExercicenformedeZ · 10/07/2025 21:31

Why the frowny face? That poster had an excellent point.

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I'm not sure that poster had an excellent point. I thought it was a very simplistic way of looking at things.

Itiswhysofew · 10/07/2025 21:36

I had lots of attention in my younger years. Now it's gone, so what. That's how it is and I don't give a damn!

ExercicenformedeZ · 10/07/2025 21:31

healthybychristmas · 10/07/2025 21:29

Confused
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Why the frowny face? That poster had an excellent point.

healthybychristmas · 10/07/2025 21:29

CandidFawn · 10/07/2025 18:19

If you were “happily married” you wouldn’t have written this post. Just be honest and say you wish to be desired by men outside of your marriage.

Confused
Dymaxion · 10/07/2025 21:28

What do men need to do in order to navigate this minefield ?

@HangryLikeTheHulk Just be charming to everyone you meet ?

KateMiskin · 10/07/2025 21:21

I guess it's easier for those of us who were only average looking.

DiscoNights · 10/07/2025 21:20

I became invisible a lot younger than 60, and at first I found it really hard because I'd been very good looking when I was younger and I'd attracted a lot of attention. I obviously aged like milk! However, once the initial upset wore off, I realise I am probably more respected by men now. It's actually nicer.

ExercicenformedeZ · 10/07/2025 21:06

Barney16 · 10/07/2025 21:02

Interesting. I haven't ever felt the need to be validated by men but that's because perhaps I think most of them are tossers. I'm sure they aren't, sweeping generalisation, but when I see the things that some men do, particularly those in positions of great power I shudder.

I don't think that men are 'tossers' but I also don't understand why women live their life in thrall to the male gaze. Those women often also then blame men for their own insecurities. A prime example is diet culture: I have heard far more snide comments about women gaining weight/not looking like Kate Moss than women than from men. Men are far less particular about women's looks than women themselves are.