A photo of my son sent to Dad I've no contact with

Don’t apologise, I’m just checking.

I’m glad there are no safety concerns (at all? Or is there a concern if your dad does get your address? If you have any safety concerns around your dad please disregard the rest of this post, it’s not appropriate.)

I would suggest you take your time to let things sit for a while and see how you feel after the shock has worn off. If there are no safety concerns, him having a photo is irrelevant to you really, you know his email address and can block it. You can make him irrelevant again. The lack of control you feel about the photo being shared is not a nice feeling, but it isn’t necessarily something you have to let affect you going forward.

I don’t think this negates the betrayal from your relative. I just think these are two separate things. Work out how to get yourself back to a state of equilibrium over your dad. Separately consider if this is a serious betrayal from your relative, or just a misunderstanding/mismatch on how you view the situation and the relative’s intent is still good/on your side enough. People have very different ideas about the appropriate use of photos. The concern over sharing images is fairly recent and not universal. Men and women, for example, tend to have very different attitudes as do different generations.

If you think your relative is well intentioned and will be upset that they did something that upset you, then you probably have a good chance of getting back to a god place with them, if you want to. Just be very clear with them that you don’t want anything at all sharing with your Dad. It’s probably worth asking them if they have mentioned anything else to him. But if you think you just can’t trust them to respect you in this, I would put them on the back burner and, obviously, not give them access to anything your don’t want your dad to know.

I think it depends on your relationship with this person. Are you upset enough to break down the relationship over this (which is fine) or could explain that in future you don’t want them to relay any information about yourself or your child to your father which includes photos?

Playing devils advocate, the mutual relative might have seen no harm in sharing a photo of your son because a still image is just that, it isn’t having “contact”.

If you are otherwise enjoying having a relationship with this person and want to keep that going, you should perhaps have a conversation to make your boundaries clear.

I appreciate it’s difficult though, as she may well continue sharing photos behind your back and you’ll never know. If it was me in your situation, I’m not sure I could find it in me to trust her.

I'd reply to say that I was disappointed as you didn't want him seeing your DC.
He is a stranger who has no right to contact you.
He has once again displayed selfish behaviour.
I hope you are okay.
I wouldn't be speaking to the relative again either. Sly fox.

You shouldn't have had contact with the relative, sorry

They were probably easily manipulated and thought they were helping. Or they were being fucking cruel to start drama. Either way, cut the relative off, and anymore of his relatives.

Yanbu x

@ZingyKoala

I don't blame you for being shaken. But I think I'd probably not be angry at them unless you've specifically said that you actually want NC with your birth father rather than just "I haven't heard from him in years".

If you have specifically told them you want NC, I'd probably tear a strip off them be less than polite in telling them that they have way overstepped the mark in sending him a picture that had your DC in it.

Otherwise I'd probably say "You sent my father a picture of my DC. He has contacted me and it was a bit upsetting as I do not wish to hear from him. I know we didn't specifically discuss it, but in future please do not send photos of my DC to or discuss us with my father. I am no contact with him and wish it to stay that way".

OP, I know you’re feeling shaken and betrayed, but what are you fearing are going to be the negative outcomes of this? Is there a safety worry?

All that will do, is make a foolish old man realize the consequences of his behaviour.

I’d never see them again if someone sent pictures of my boys to my dad! What an awful thing to do. I completely understand how odd you must feel right now.

Did the relative share the photo with a family group or just send it to your father? If it was with a group they may not have thought closely about who all was in the group and may have been looking at it as a nice picture of their DC. Regardless, I would contact them and make it very clear you do not want any photos or information being shared about you or your son.

My daughter is no contact with her birth father. She was meeting with a member of his family who had become friendly, didn’t push any agenda and made no attempt to talk about her dad on their meetings. However, he was feeding everything back to her father and he turned up at a public event daughter was going to (she mentioned it to the other family member)

Daughter was really shaken when he approached her and he said he did it in a public place so she wouldn’t be cross! She was gutted because she trusted the family members. She felt duped. I imagine you do too op.

I would message relative asking if they sent the photo onto your dad

they might be mortified and say no, I sent to my mum she must of passed it on.

do you know 100% it was this 40 year old woman

Sorry I haven’t read the whole thread but

Is there a chance your relative sent the photo to someone else who has then sent to your dad?

This 40yo might think they are some sort of hero for supplying your dad with this photo. I would 100% drop them. You don’t need disloyal or poisonous (or completely stupid) people in your life

I’d ignore your dad’s email entirely.

And I would drop the relative by ghosting them. They are either a bit thick if they don’t realise that sending a photo of your ds to a man who’s treated you like that is well out of order - or they are a complete manipulator. Shit people can appear very nice at first. Either option would cause me to immediately bin this person.

IF you could give your dad the benefit of doubt, could it be that it’s his way of reaching out to reconcile with you? Not knowing the circumstances, how would that be for you?

Alternatively, it’s a shame to jettison the relationship you’re now building with Dad’s family. If and when you meet again, could you explain that you don’t want anymore photos sent to your dad? Additionally, dont allow pics of your interactions to be taken in the first place. Would they be sensitive enough to accept that?

I suppose you might have to accept that overall your dad’s relative will likely share info’ about your life with your dad. You can only ask and hope that they will be economical with information.

Finally, if none of us come up with a solution you can live with, I guess that yes, you’ll just have to cut the relationship adrift.

What an odd thing for them to have done.

Tell them to delete the photo and ask why they sent it to him. It's not very encouraging for you to keep contact with them. Wonder what else they imparted to your father?

Email your dad back telling him he wasn't supposed to be shown the photo and not to contact you again.

That's what I'd do.

How old is the person from your dad’s family who did this? I ask because a lot of older people (and I mean young older peoples eg from 50 or so up) just don’t understand today’s views about sharing this sort of info. You say the relative is a nice, genuine person - if so, it seems highly unlikely they would have shared the photo of they had understood that this would upset you so much and that these days it’s not ok to share photos of kids without an ok from the parents. Even if you dad was absent and rubbish, he may now be regretting that as he ages and relative may feel sorry for him.

in my wider family, a relative gave some info he thought was totally unimportant to his DIL’s father, without realising the depth of ill felling that she had towards her father. He thought he was helpfully answering an innocuous request from a member of her family, she thought it was a massive breach of trust and has refused to allow him contact with his grandchildren for ten years. It’s an awful situation.

I am NC with my Dad and would absolutely seethe if this happened to me. YANBU

It Sounds like your dad has deployed this person as a flying monkey to soften you up for contact.

I would contact this person and tell them how deeply disappointed you are. Then keep your distance from them.

They violated your boundaries with no regard to how it would affect you.