I interrupt MIL selfish monologues with yes I know, you told me this before.

Can you not say the “yes you’ve told us before” and then turn your attention to the person she interrupted and say “so, as you were saying” 😜 or ask someone else a question?

and sit your husband opposite her so she can blather at him when none listens ?

@TheRubyPoet

"I don't think she is autistic"

You wouldn't know.

And it wouldn't make any difference. You'd still talk to her like she was shit on your shoe, and feel justified in doing so.

You sound like you hate her.

She'll know that.

So will your DH.

Happy days.

I was with you until she was visibly upset. Yes, it is very annoying, and I don’t think you were wrong to say something, but it sounds like you might have been quite harsh, and you clearly did upset her.

Is there not a gentler way of bringing this back to your son, or whoever’s “day” it is?

You need to tell her to stop relating everything back to herself. Tell her exactly what she's doing, not just that you've heard it before. Explain to her in no uncertain terms that not everything is about her. Tell her straight that she's being rude and dominating the conversation. Perhaps she needs it spelling out to her. Good luck🤞

MIL definitely shouldn’t be dominating and one uping but after a few congratulations and chats about exams/what’s next I think it would be natural for the conversation to move on a bit.

This is very true. I have one friend who just talks at me. Nothing to do with age. ADHD I suspect. I have to keep a mental check on not talking about myself or of my pet topics. Also when someone asks how I am, to reply "good thanks" we can delve if they ask specifically how's dd then I will say her drama.

I suspect I am neuro spicy as all my kids are. It takes a while and self awareness to realise your boring people. Especially when those around you do it all the time ( one friend bursting into tears most days) and everyone outwardly being OK with that non stop drama.

I wish we had socail skill classes!

Also to add that my mother in law has been like this since I met her (when she was around 50).

My mother in law is like this too... First she bombards me with questions but doesn't really listen to the answers. Then she'll go on about people who I don't know - about Mary who's husbands sister who woke up dead, etc, etc. She dominates all conversations. When her husband died I realised I had rarely heard him talk as she talked over him all the time. My sister in law had had lovely chats with him when they had a cigarette outside but I never smoked.

This is my MIL too! Literally can’t finish a story around her, without her taking it over and turning into a memory or story of her own. Or you’ll be telling a story about a conversation you had with someone, and she doesn’t let you finish and starts telling you what you should have said/done, what she would have said/done in that situation, and I just want to scream “maybe if you let me finish this story you’ll find out I DID say that!!!”
As well as this, her preferred chat is to just tell stories, it’s not like a proper conversation it’s just her telling ‘hilarious’ stories from her past, things she got up to on holiday with friends when she was younger, stories of her and her twin brother misbehaving. And I’ve heard AAAALLL of them before. I often say “Oo yes I remember you telling me this” and she just pays no attention and carries on and on. Painful.

If this is something that has developed over time it’s likely to be amoung the first signs of dementia, and if that’s the case I think YABU. If it’s dementia, there’s no point to telling her anything. She’s unable to change, it’s a terrible illness that takes people from us before they’re gone. You need to manage your interactions better. Don’t invite her to events where she will be able to dominate everyone when someone else needs to be centered unless you can mitigate in some way (e.g. take it in turns to “buddy” with her and listen to her stories while everyone gets on with celebrating the real star of the show).

But if, as it sounds, she’s always been like this, then YANBentirelyU. You really don’t have to put up with someone trying to bully everyone like that. Though dealing with it in the moment when it’s so ingrained seems unlikely to be effective. You could try speaking to her after the event. A conversation along the lines of “Lily, you ruined Sam’s graduation party, with the making it all about you. If you do that sort of thing again, I’m not inviting you to more family events.” And then a reminder before the next one that she’s not to dominate. Though, really, it should be your DH that does this.

I know a mother and daughter like that - DP's family. Everything comes back to them. You know you've got a finite amount of time to say your piece before they interrupt to bore the pants off you with their self centeredness.

I don't bother with them anymore & DP is NC for other reasons.

YWNBU. Go NC if you can, to get some peace from her.

I think (where possible of course) helping ND children understand that conversation is meant to be a two-way street is one of the greatest gifts a parent can give them.

I have had more than one relative where not being able to do this has made meaningful interaction very difficult.

Another poster assuming MIL is elderly and that she is lonely.

A lot of information being said with nothing from the OP saying that MIL is elderly, lonely, or both.

I have plenty of family members that are 70+ that don’t behave like OP’s MIL and they are definitely not lonely. Pretty sure if you called them elderly, they’d be setting you straight very sharply. My own MIL isn’t like this and pretty sure she would also give anyone an earful if they dare called her elderly.

OP, this definitely speaks of neurodiversity to me but it absolutely isn't unreasonable of you to remind her she's told you something before/otherwise subtly hint that it might be someone else's turn to speak. A friend of ours does this and it can be absolutely soul-sapping to have to keep hearing the same thing over and over.

Is it reasonable to point out that a significant percentage of women over 50 will have autism and no diagnosis?

My son is autistic and can be very focused on himself in his conversation sometimes. He definitely has diminished awareness of social signals that he's being boring. We gently try to steer him in a different direction if his conversation is inappropriate or too one sided.

Now that's 'gaslighting'.

Reminds me of cunty people who say something fucking horrible to you, and when you respond saying that they've upset you, say 'I'm sorry you feel that way', rather than 'I'm sorry I hurt your feelings'.

I find the best way to manage someone else monologing is to start another quiet private conversation with a person nearby and let them get on with it.

Ask your DH for advice on how to tune her out - sounds like he’s got it down to a fine art!

@butterpuffedwhat does it say?

I visit mum and MIL at least once a week, invite them over or take them out. Over the course of 2-3 hours I say very little but listen to them and encourage them to chat away even though I’ve heard most of it before.

I don’t really enjoy it but it gives them an outlet to express themselves and speak and reminisce etc. Some days I do t want to do it but I recognise it matters to them, so yes, I think if it as a good deed.

I read a phrase in a book the other day that really resonated, having a great deal of experience with this kind of monologue-ist. Something like 'She used her as a kind of reverse radio, switching her on in order to remorselessly transmit'. They don't want to share experiences. Other people are only there to trigger their stream of non-stop blather about themselves.

To patronise someone in company by announcing their stories have been heard before is a form of bullying.

In my experience an awful lot of elderly people are like this. Very self-absorbed. YANBU though.

Ah OP, I do sympathise, my MIL is a bit like this too - she tells the same stories over and over, and goes on and on about her friends (and even their families?!) even though no one else is interested it all, we don't even know these people.

I feel like it's really started grating on me lately in a way it didn't before, I have never (and likely, will never) say anything but I do tend to glaze over now. It's so dull and even if she gets interrupted she'll just go "Anyway, back to my story..." and carry on 😭