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Original poster

Ex being difficult about me seeing our child when he is in work

65 replies

Doolallyally · 10/07/2025 10:36

Ex works long hours, he will be remaining in the family home and I’ll be living a few miles away. Ex has a bee in his bonnet about the fact that I’m claiming child benefit for our oldest. He now has an issue with me seeing DS when he’s in work (DS coming to me) He says I’m trying to deceive him and taking his son away from him by him being with me when he’s in work??
He was so reasonable in the beginning but the mask is now slipping. He knows he can use our son against me as our son loves the family home. He’s asked our son what it is that he wants but where does that leave me?
The agreement was 50/50 and obviously when one is working and the other off then DS would be with the other parent. Now he’s got an issue with me seeing DS when he’s working! WTF!
He says he’s old enough to sit in the house on his own after school until 8pm. (He’s 13) Yes he is occasionally but I’ll need to see him too. Hes being very difficult already and it gives me a bad feeling.

Reposted here for more traffic.

OP posts:
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AndSoFinally · 10/07/2025 16:49

Are you sure you’d lose the whole amount. I think you need to go back into the benefits calculator and work it all out based on what you’ve put above

Yes of course she would. Only the primary carer can claim and only one parent can be primary carer

Zempy · 10/07/2025 16:31

He’s not putting DS first.

My DSIS and her XH did “week about” 50/50. On the weeks her DD was sleeping/living at her dads, she would often pop into her wfh mums house on the way home from school for a couple of hours. Her father was cool with this as he just wanted my DN to be happy.

OohhhhhBigStretch · 10/07/2025 16:28

Doolallyally · 10/07/2025 15:55

So I listed myself as primary carer of both children as one I’ll have 60-70%of the time and teen 50% of the time. I have always claimed the child benefit and if ex had primary carer status I would lose £400 per month in universal credit. Who should claim PC status of our oldest?

Are you sure you’d lose the whole amount. I think you need to go back into the benefits calculator and work it all out based on what you’ve put above.

Original poster
Doolallyally · 10/07/2025 15:55

So I listed myself as primary carer of both children as one I’ll have 60-70%of the time and teen 50% of the time. I have always claimed the child benefit and if ex had primary carer status I would lose £400 per month in universal credit. Who should claim PC status of our oldest?

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 10/07/2025 13:37

It doesnt sound like dad can offer 50 50.

Especially not to the youngest. Why have you agreed to it?

He needs to change his work so he can make clear arrangements if he wants to put 50 50 in place. That will be difficult of course. But divorce is difficult.

Original poster
Doolallyally · 10/07/2025 13:34

Suednymph · 10/07/2025 13:18

Ok so hold on you have current 'custody' of one child each? You moved out with the 9 yr old and your ex stayed in the family home with the 13 year old? And you do not work, your ex does and somehow you are doing some weird 50/50 custody stuff?

We have shared custody of both children, I will end up having our youngest child more (60/70) primarily because he cannot be left alone and because of Ex’s shift work - oldest could have the option to say overnight with Dad and get himself ready for school in the morning if he wants to. Youngest needs constant supervision.

OP posts:
EggnogNoggin · 10/07/2025 13:18

Doolallyally · 10/07/2025 12:38

Why?

Show quote history

Because there can't have been any abuse or violence or you wouldn't have left DC there so why would you move away from DC? You'd be seeing more of DC if you lived there and now you're presumably crashing somewhere until a council place comes up, which is presumably less favourable.

Suednymph · 10/07/2025 13:18

Ok so hold on you have current 'custody' of one child each? You moved out with the 9 yr old and your ex stayed in the family home with the 13 year old? And you do not work, your ex does and somehow you are doing some weird 50/50 custody stuff?

QforCucumber · 10/07/2025 13:11

this gets even worse, why does he want 50/50 care of the 13 year old, but not the 9 year old?

No if your ex is at work it doesn't 'automatically' become your day. You agree set days and those are the days.

DeathNote11 · 10/07/2025 13:03

I feel so sorry for children caught up in these awful 50/50 situations. It's imposing a transient lifestyle on the child, & the effects of that can be very damaging.

CinnamonBuns67 · 10/07/2025 12:48

If you have 50/50 nobody is making it difficult to see your son. I could understand if you only saw your son every other weekend and he wouldn't let you see him a bit extra but this is the reality of being split from the other parent, on his 50% he gets to decide childcare arrangements and on your 50% you get to decide.

Mrsttcno1 · 10/07/2025 12:42

Just because one of you is at work doesn’t mean that is a day for the other one. You allocate/decide which days are which and on your days if you are working then you sort out your own childcare arrangements.

So for example if dad’s days are agreed to be Mon Tues Wed and he is working those days that’s for him to figure out childcare- although at 13 he doesn’t need childcare and can just stay home alone.

Original poster
Doolallyally · 10/07/2025 12:39

SallyDraperGetInHere · 10/07/2025 12:13

How many children and what age range?

2 children-one 13 year old and one 9 year old.

OP posts:
Original poster
Doolallyally · 10/07/2025 12:38

EggnogNoggin · 10/07/2025 12:12

I ds is in the family home and that's where dad is, then he is primary carer and has higher expenses e.g. costs of running a 2 bed home and should get the child benefit.

I'm astonished you let the family home.

Why?

OP posts:
Thatsrhesummeroverthen · 10/07/2025 12:25

I don't think I'd picked up there was a younger dc as well. This is all very complicated

EggnogNoggin · 10/07/2025 12:14

And you need set days because how else will you both work? You're separated with a 13 year old, you don't need to get a job around his shifts. You allocate fixed days and dh finds care (if needed) for his shifts and you find care (if needed) on your days.

SallyDraperGetInHere · 10/07/2025 12:13

How many children and what age range?

Rainbowqueeen · 10/07/2025 12:12

OP you will get much better advice if you post the whole factual situation.

What I believe from all your posts is that you have 2 shared children. Oldest is 13. Youngest unknown age. You currently don’t work but are looking for work. Ex works but shift work which constantly changes. He wants 50-50 but you and the DC will have to fit in with his work pattern which will constantly change to make this work.

Child benefit - if you are doing 50-50 then it’s probably fairest that you each claim
child benefit for one child. But is 50-50 the right thing if it’s going to change every week??? How will you work if you have to accommodate your ex? Will the DC cope with that? Stability and consistency are usually recommended for kids. He needs to change his work to accomodate them not the other way round.

I would think carefully about that. It sounds like he is only wanting it to avoid paying child maintenance. But the primary factor is what is in the best interests of the DC. Start with that.

EggnogNoggin · 10/07/2025 12:12

I ds is in the family home and that's where dad is, then he is primary carer and has higher expenses e.g. costs of running a 2 bed home and should get the child benefit.

I'm astonished you let the family home.

Opaldiamonds · 10/07/2025 12:09

Doolallyally · 10/07/2025 12:04

I think the confusion lies with which days are which so I assumed that if ex is on a 12 hour shift that would automatically mean it is my day? Or when I’m in work it would be his turn? It’s very difficult to have set days with his shits and we will both have to chat to DS too,

Show quote history

I’d say you and ex need to forget about the days for now and speak to your son and come up with plan, the 3 for you

Thatsrhesummeroverthen · 10/07/2025 12:07

your working life will end up revolving around his shifts.

Original poster
Doolallyally · 10/07/2025 12:04

Collaborate · 10/07/2025 11:46

I've responded based on your OP in which it seems clear that you want your son on the father's day if the father is in work. YABU. It's not for you to interfere with the childcare decisions taken by father on his days. At 13 anyway he is old enought to be left on his own.

Your later posts seem to suggest that it's not that at all and that he is objecting to your son being with you on your days. Which doesn't make any sense so I'm sticking with my original view.

I think the confusion lies with which days are which so I assumed that if ex is on a 12 hour shift that would automatically mean it is my day? Or when I’m in work it would be his turn? It’s very difficult to have set days with his shits and we will both have to chat to DS too,

OP posts:
Original poster
Doolallyally · 10/07/2025 12:02

Thatsrhesummeroverthen · 10/07/2025 11:49

You said the agreement was 50/50 in your OP
I believe that usually means no money paid by either side. How are you dividing property? (Assuming married)

Show quote history

We’ve got no assets. We both rent.

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 10/07/2025 11:54

And what happens to her younger child if she is having him 70% of the time? That means 20% of the time she is working she will have to find childcare for 1 child whilst the other is with his Dad.

Mrsttcno1 · 10/07/2025 11:54

At 13 he can stay home alone if he wants to. At 13 in court he is old enough to be listened to himself anyway, if he says he wants to be with dad or you, that’s what will be done. He gets to decide.

Whoever is primary carer will be able to claim the child benefit.

At £47k he’s getting nothing from UC.

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