Childless houseguests-AIBU to keep my child quiet and out of the way?

I’ve read your follow up posts op. For gods sake woman! Why didn’t you say “actually I do really mind your bf staying, I don’t know him and I have kids, I don’t want strangers staying in my house”
”actually I did not agree to you staying every weekend. I thought you meant only this one weekend. I have a family and we value our time together at the weekend. I’m sorry, you really will have to arrange other accomodation if you want to stay any other weekends”.
etc etc etc
stop being a doormat.

Time to put to a stop to any other visits NOW! Just say, sorry Sallly, I’m sure you’ve noticed I have a family and we value our family time. Whilst it was nice having you here 1 weekend, I really think it is best if you arrange other accomodation for any other weekends you wish to be here for. We are not a hotel and I don’t appreciate being treated as one”.

They invited themself to stay in a family home, not a hotel. They are not even your friends. Personally I would allow my kids to make all the noise they want with this set up- if they don’t like it they can always book into a hotel (but honestly I would not have accommodated them in the first place).
If they were family or friends I would ensure my kid wasn’t going into their room in the morning, but I would go about my normal day and allow everyone to make the same amount of noise as they usually make.
Honestly op, they’re just using you.

True to an extent I think.

I used to be a people pleaser as i mentioned upthread. But my motivations were different according to context. I used to be a kind, generous and totally taken advantage host for DH's friends. I was trying to please DH by being welcoming to his friends- many of whom were cheeky fuckers.

But I have a 5 decade history of people pleasing. This was very much embedded by a people-pleasing mother who taught me that our needs do not matter. It's rude to not do everything you can for others. I am just a person who is small, and who does not matter very much. My role and job is to smoothe the way for others- all others. The groove she has gotten into over 8 decades is pleasing her intractable, angry, violently abusive mother and oldest sister. That then rippled out to her need to 'prove herself worthy of love' by pleasing everyone around her. Her only way of 'mothering' was to tell me and my sister that we are only valuable when in service to others. Our emotions, our needs and our feelings matter not at all.

I left home at 20. I left my home country at 25. It was not until I was 50 that I have been able to say 'No. This is my line in the sand'. I thank menopause and also MN for that. Funnily enough, when I go to my home country to visit my parents my mother always tries to make me visit her older sister who is a nasty bitch. (She used to beat me up from the age of 8 - which my mother knew about). Last 2 times I have said 'No'. My mother's response is 'you have become so stubborn and uncaring as you get older'. That then feeds into my worries about being nasty, and selfish which was the greatest sin of all according to my mother.

So, in my-personal- experience I think people pleasers are people who tend to have low self esteem and not great boundaries. Where that comes from and originates from can be very deep.

DH is right.
You’d be doing them a favour to wake them up at 6am. 7am slightly more reasonable. They might get all the sightseeing done they want to and not need to come back multiple times!

Lots of posts say it, but your boundaries aren’t where they should be. If you’re not protecting and sticking up for your kids, who is?! For example no one comes into my house unless I love them or they are a health or other professional… and only my mum stays over. Certainly not a complete stranger whilst my child is in the house. I’d let someone stay when we are not there.

Good luck explaining to them that you won’t be pacifying your kid with cookies again so they can stay out to 3am (I’m assuming the reason they need to wake at 10am).

:-)

It's your children's home.

DH is right, you are wrong.

There is a difference between invited guests and self-invited guests - especially the latter who arrive with a plus one unknown to the "host".

OP is letting them stay … so they are guests…
OP needs to grow a backbone and set some boundaries

Came back to say I got it mixed up that the CFs had asked for a key when they hadn’t.

I have had a song going round in my head from the vintage Grange Hill days “Just Say No”.

What has angered me also is the entitled attitude that the CF BF had already booked tickets before the CF mentioned he would be coming along too. Is there no way they could get refunds for tickets they have booked so you can tell them to shove their visits?

This is often very true.

I was going to come along and say... its one night just ask the children to be quieter but carry on as normal as you can with some respect..

However.... then i read the story and no way would I tip toe around someone essentially using my house as a hotel... if they want quiet then then can pay for a hotel or private accommodation

Not saying this applies to the OP but People Pleasers are often more concerned about what people think of them than actually pleasing people. The OP is happy to piss off and inconvenience her husband and to disrupt her kid just so some ex colleague thinks she is kind and generous.

It does come with age, not giving a shit about saying NO and not caring what other people think of you, but it sounds like your ex colleague is already there because she sees you for what you can do for her.
You are perfectly entitled to say no to a 4 day stay, because it just hasn’t worked for you or your family. Their accommodation issues are absolutely not your concern or problem. Plus if DH takes your child away for a weekend or however long, how lovely would it be for you to have an empty house and peace. Instead of hosting two freeloaders.
She is a user, and you are being used. Say no, let them find somewhere else.

They don't even bring guest gifts?!

My brother and his wife plus dog are free to use our house - we live in a lovely seaside town - whenever we're away. They ALWAYS leave a range of gifts (AND leave the house spotless - you cannot tell they've stayed, apart from the gifts).

Having just reread your op, this is actually a former colleague, so not even anyone you work with and see on a daily basis.

FFS op, absolutely stop worrying what she may think of you if you say no. You literally have nothing to do with this person anymore and don't have to be in touch with them foe any reason. If she badmouths you to others in the same industry, then it will reflect badly on her, not you anyway!

You are a people pleaser, OP. I get it. You don't want the fall out and you work together. However, this is at the expense of your own freedom and your family's to be at ease in their own home. You think you're being kind, polite and considerate by working around their schedule and welcoming them into your home, but you may as well lie there at the door when they arrive to wipe their feet all over you.

It is not your responsibility to provide these people anything. They're not visiting you and your family, they are using you as free accommodation. The fall out is going to be tough as you've set a precedent, but itnwill be worth it to get your freedom back.0

August is still enough time for them to book a BnB somewhere. Cancel them and don't look back.

This

I wouldn’t allow a strange man who I have never met before stay in my house with my children. Absolute non negotiable for me. I think YaBVU as you shouldn’t allow them to stay.

Good grief OP. You are very much allowing your whole family to be mugged off.

Why on earth are they coming again? For several days. Saying no is OK. It really is. They're walking all over you.

No, you need to put your children first, have some stronger boundaries and not let random colleagues use your own home as a free holiday house at the expense of your children.

Tell them it doesn't work for you.

If any family or friends stay, they need to fit around your routine as it's your home.

But these guys aren't even your friends.

What?! No. It's your child's home. I'm childfree, and this is bonkers, OP.

These people can get a hotel. I'm actually kind of shocked you'd consider this.

I think today would be a good day for you children to learn to play an instrument or two.

It’s understandable if you want to stick to your agreement. I get it, you may not be someone who is comfortable with appearing flaky or unreliable . That said given their attitude towards your kids, and the whole issue of her inviting not only herself but her boyfriend it would be understandable to cancel.

You know not to host them again after
this summer and in future perhaps you can think about being more assertive. Because I don’t even have kids but there’s NO WAY someone who invited themselves to stay at mine could just bring their boyfriend along.

I am quite hospitable and relaxed about people staying, but I’d have told the colleague straight that it was not possible to stay longer than 2 nights and it would just be the one occasion and no they couldn’t bring their boyfriend - a strange man- along.

@StressedHost I think by sticking to this 'plan' you think you are being assertive - you're not.

They are absolutely taking the piss.

I would put my foot down and reduce or cancel the 4 night stay. You have to start practising saying 'no, that doesn't work for me.'