When the inlaws move away...

We live 4/5 hours from our granddaughter, sorry there is no way we would travel there and back for one day for a birthday party no matter how much we adore her.

We would though send a card, present and FaceTime and take her out the next time we see her.

We don’t communicate a lot in between visits because neither of us have that kind of relationship with my stepson’s girlfriend- she doesn’t messsge us either though so it’s two way. In face we realised she doesn’t even know what jobs we do as never asks about us, whereas when we meet up we get on great and we chat about all aspects of her life.

My stepson isn’t a chatty person so he only sends his dad the odd text, my DH texts him more.

None of this means though we don’t love them & think about them. We have a fantastic relationship with our granddaughter when we see her and via FaceTime.

Anytime I’ve tried texting - how are you all, I just get “we are good, you?” so it’s hard.

I’m approaching retirement age. We’re burned out. We have elderly parents, adult children and work full time. We feel very squeezed- though the kids are no bother, bless them.
Energy levels are low. We haven’t had a holiday in ages because organising it seems overwhelming.

Dreaming of quiet and freedom from responsibilities. Taking up a hobby. I always wanted to be fully present and involved with any grandchildren, as we managed mainly alone when we had dc. But my kids are leaving it late, so by the time it happens I don’t know what energy we’ll have left 🤣

At the moment I just want to be somewhere quiet…

8 hours of driving to attend a childs party? Come on op even you know that’s unrealistic.
maybe they moved away so they wouldnt get pulled into doing childcare.

As a grandmother I love living close by and having constant contact, but everyone is different. It may well be hurtful that your in-laws have detached, but I’d say acceptance of the situation is the best thing. Accept that you have a wonderful family and they want to be on the outside

when they age and need help, that detachment maybe a blessing as 8 hours return trip isn’t going to be possible to help out.

I wouldn’t travel 8 hours to attend a child’s party, even if it was a GC.

Let them enjoy their retirement - if they kept coming around to your house, no doubt you’d be moaning you wanted a break from them.🤷‍♀️

They're enjoying their retirement as they see fit. Maybe they felt if they were in closer proximity they'd be asked to do lots of childcare, which evidently they don't want to do.

I'd rather have in laws like that than overly involved ones who live round the corner

They sound pleasant, just not overly involved and living their own lives. Dream in laws in my view!

So I suppose the issue is with your own expectations, and maybe you had an idea of them that wasn't the reality. You may need to let go of the expectations and accept who they actually are

Been there - slightly different circumstances but it was so hurtful and upsetting. I still haven’t got over it tbh even though they’ve been gone years. YANBU to be upset.

It's wrong that they forgot to send a card, but travelling 8 hours in a day is a lot to expect. Did you offer to host them in your house?

My in laws live a similar distance (which in my view is no bad thing). They will generally see the grandchildren if they visit while they come down on holiday (which they usually book Mon - Fri when the kids are at school) and because of the clubs the kids attend (and the in laws wanting to be in different places) we only usually see them briefly one evening. We will go visit them a couple of times a year, again as it is not something you can do in a day and trying to find a suitable time (for us all) limits the options.

You shouldn’t be expecting them to drive 8hrs in a day for a child’s party. Can they not stay overnight? They see you every few months which is normal for GP who live a distance away. What more are you expecting?

I wouldn’t expect that to drive that far for a day. Forgetting a birthday is poor though. Did they help out a lot when they lived closer? They may feel they want to enjoy their grandchildren but not be directly involved in raising them which is fair. The only issue may be in another 15 years or so they may find Thry would benefit from support and have no one close by to help.

YABU

Eight hours driving in a day, just to attend a child's party where they probably wouldn’t get to spend much time with him or other family anyway, is ridiculous.
You should be glad they are independent people not centring their lives round your family (though I agree the lack of birthday card is poor).

Whether their move will still seem like a good decision when they get older and possibly their health starts failing is a different matter.

Their model of grandparenting is what I’m used to. None of my dc’s grandparents lived nearby and we’d visit every few months, or they’d visit us, and when we’d see each other, we’d be pleased to see them,

Four hours each way is definantly too far to visit in a day.

I don’t think it’s personal. They’re just enjoying their retirement.

what was their relationship with you before they moved?

I don't blame your DH for feeling hurt.
I don't think there is much you can do about it. 3/4 hour drive and back again in the same day is a lot of driving. And I get they wouldn't want to do that.

I think you can only manage your own expectations so don't expect much from them. And likewise I wouldn't be bending over backwards to help them nor would I be trying to visit them that often either.

Its that old thing you reep what you sow, and they can't expect a close relationship with their DGC if they aren't putting in much effort.