When the inlaws move away...

I think you just need to let them get on with it. Do they expect you to come visit them?
I think they’ll find GC get less excited to see them as they get older too and you’ll have less time as well.

We lived the same time away from in-laws (DH moved at 18) that amount of driving in a day is insane. I’m sure they’ve probably realised it’s not as doable as they imagined when they moved.
we visited a lot but increasingly got pissed off with the drive (and lack of interest/hospitality). I’m sure in a few years they won’t want to do it at all/much. You can’t change it now.

Whilst it’s sad they have made their decision and it sounds like they have always been like this since you DHs childhood so they won’t change. You have one involved loving family so I would try and be more detached from your image of how you would like the relationship to be. Sadly they understandably might not have the love and support as they get older because they haven’t shown it to your family

Do you think your dh is still stuck in ‘child’ mode with them? It’s difficult to transition to an adult-adult relationship with parents, but sounds like they have managed it, by being pleased to see you all when they do, but getting on with their own lives when they don’t. But your dh still needs reassurance from them which is a childlike emotion.

I am 60. I’m exhausted. I have 3 adult children, 2 at University and all living at home. I have a busy job that I have to keep doing because I can’t downsize yet because the kids still need a home. I have an elderly and infirm mother who needs care. Honestly, I just want a life of my own. I want to see friends, do some hobbies, enjoy my garden. IF my kids have children I will love them and try to offer help if needed, but honestly- when is it my turn to do what I want? The last 25 years have been dedicated to doing everything to help my kids. I expect the next 5 to revolve around my mothers needs …
kindly - your child is the centre of YOUR world - others may have different priorities …

I think you have to manage your expectations. Yes, it's disappointing, and I think you're entirely reasonable to feel upset. But it sounds like they've got no desire to change.
Has your DH used his words to tell his parents, "we wish we saw you more", or is it just a thought in his head? If he did tell them that, how would you like them to respond?
What was your DH's own experiences of grandparents? I don't know about you, but mine were entirely "nice old people who I saw for a day once or twice a year." I didn't feel any great attachment to them, didn't miss them between visits, and wasn't even especially sad when they died (2 died while I was a child, and the last two I was about 20 and 22).
Perhaps your DHs parents envisioned a similar role? Just that of benevolent friendly old people. Who enjoy an occasional visit, but are very much of the view that their "little kid" era is well and truly done, and want to give their last years to the life they've built where they are now.

But it goes both ways. If they've made the decision to live far away, and have a very hands-off attitude to family, then they can't reasonably expect a lot of practical help in later years. Yes, you can organise a Tesco delivery for them, but you can't come and help them take a bath or drive them to their doctors appointments.

My own DHs dad and step-mum are very similar. Moving from the south of England to the Scottish Highlands. 6 kids between them, and the furthest north kid is only Nottinghamshire!
We've just had to all shrug and say, "on your head be it."

That's a shame. I'm in my 70s and love being with my GC, 8 of them from a toddler to 20 ear old so all different and at different stages. Keeps me young and very active.

I was exhausted in my late 40s, it was an underactive thyroid and the med made such a difference. I'm fitter and more active now than I was then.

I'm surprised to see so many say you're unreasonable. Yes it's a long drive, but to fail to send a birthday card? Not to react to photos of the grandkids? It's shitty behaviour. People like this treat kids like a toy - just to 'play' with when suits them, then forget about them the rest of the time.

Stop sending them birthday cards for a start.

That they enjoy their grandchildren when they see them should be enough. They haven't turned their backs on you completely

Exactly

They seem to want the nice, fun bits of seeing us on the odd weekend but show no interest at any other time

Childcare I suppose you mean. People are always annoyed at grandparents who aren't keen on providing childcare. It's like they feel entitled to it.

My DH and I are in our early 60s and fairly newly retired. We have both said we are glad there are no grandchildren on the scene because we are now enjoying the lack of restrictions having no job and no children brings. My DM is the only parent still alive and she is very independent so we don't need to do much for her either. Your PIL are just at that stage of life when they want to enjoy freedom. That they enjoy their grandchildren when they see them should be enough. They haven't turned their backs on you completely.

I don’t think people appreciate though how you feel when you get a bit older. I’m only in my 50s and feel totally exhausted after a weekend watching my granddaughter. Should I just have to live a life of exhaustion rather than the one I want? Going on holidays is nothing like the intensity of being with a small child, and no I don’t want care when I’m old - can’t think of anything worse than my kids taking on that role!!

Of course they are free to enjoy their retirement. I’d want it made clear very soon what their plans for care and support are as they grow older, honestly I’d be less inclined to help.

They seem to want the nice fun bits but nothing else

Realistically what else do you think they should do?

Honestly, there isn't anything that you can do. They seem detached from their son and his family and you have said that they did this when he was a child. They weren't great parents and they aren't great grandparents. That is just who they are.

Luckily, you and your family have got your parents who are engaged and loving. It's a shame for your DH to see the contrast between the two sets of grandparents, but there isn't anything you can do.

At least there won't be any expectation of care and support from you and your DH as they age as they have set the boundaries themselves. If they feel differently in that situation, you have every right to be as distant with them as they are with you.

If their move causes them issues when they are older that's really tough shit on them in that case. Cant have it both ways..

On the plus side, in twenty years time, when your kids have flown the nest and you have time to do things child-free, you will not feel obliged to make regular four-hour journeys to offer care to your in-laws. They've chosen to distance themselves, physically and emotionally so won't be dependent on you in their old age. Read some of the elderly parents threads on here to understand what a blessing that will be.

That’s pretty much our situation. There is a 15 year age gap between our DS and the next youngest GC. Both sets of GP openly stated they felt they’d already done their bit as GP and didn’t want to go through it all again.

There was a poster the other day saying that they don't want grandchildren, as they’ve done their parenting and they have seen their friends’ lives taken over with grandchildren. They are entitled to feel that way, but I understand it is not what your DH and you would have wanted. Just try to be glad that you have your parents involvement.

OP, gently, who is interested in a child’s birthday party apart from that child and their parents? The birthday thing is poor, granted.
Did they ever say why they moved? Is it a part of the country they’ve always loved?

If they are 60, they might have 25 yrs to live a life they really enjoy.

People have their own lives to lead. Our DS’s GP all live nearby but have very little to do with him because they feel they are too old to have as much of an active involvement as they did with their other GC who are all much older than my DS.

They offered full childcare for free for the other GC to allow the parents to work yet we have paid around £50k in nursery fees as they didn’t want to help us. It’s not fair in terms of equal support but neither are their circumstances the same as they were 15+ years ago when they helped with their other GC.It’s just something we have got used to. I’d never want to force someone into doing something against their will.

One inevitable outcome though is that my DS is nowhere near as close to his GP as the other GC are. He’s never been on a day out with them or stopped overnight at their house so they are not really a big part of his life at all. They don’t attend his parties or anything like that. In many ways it feels like they have resigned their roles as GP where our DS is concerned. They still do plenty for the other GC who are now all adults.

It sounds like even living locally they'd disappoint you OP. I get it, my in laws blow hot and cold with us too. I find I fluctuate between resentment and acceptance.

This really sounds quite normal to me. They are independent but make a fus of the grandchildren when they see them.
The birthday card is a bit crap but far too far to drive there and back in a day. Did you offer for them to stay with you?

My two cents here are that long distance family relationships can still be fulfilling and meaningful but I think it's a big adjustment the first time this happens in a family.

If they are making the time for you to meet up regularly throughout the year that's positive. I think you need to let go of the idea that they'll come all the way to you for a day trip.

Would they be open to video calls with you and the kids? Are there any nice spots you could meet midway?

Finally if close knit family is your normal then there's no shame in struggling to process this change in circumstances. It is a massive adjustment and I get grieving what's been lost.